Gets taped to one of these:
And then chokes to death. I admit it, it's awful. You win, jerk. And seriously, who tapes a dog to a tree? The same type of person who would break into your house and beat you about the face with a dildo, apparently.
Mackay Magistrates Court was told that Shaun Michael Burke, 38, from Mount Pleasant near Mackay, and a 21-year-old woman broke into a Mackay home at 3am on Monday.
Alright, so far so expected, this is Australia after all. Founded by criminals and etc. ad hilarium. Please continue...
The court was told Burke wore a black leather mask and was armed with a large rubber dildo wrapped in duct tape, which he used to assault the 49-year-old female occupant of the house.
So basically, the gimp broke into a middle aged woman's house and beat her with a dildo. Now I'm sure you are wondering why someone would do this, or perhaps you are wondering: But so then what happened? Well, half of you are in luck.
Burke then allegedly assaulted the woman about the face and head with the dildo leaving her with bruising and small bumps to the face.
So apparently, in case you wanted to know, the guy assaulting this woman was a huge wimp, because he beat her about the face and left her with... bruising and small bumps. I'm sure you've noticed that thus far there's been no mention of robbery or anything like that, even though I've mentioned it a few times now. Please know that at no point does the article even mention it, except to say that they were charged with it.
The mother, together with her 19-year-old son, who witnessed the event, then escaped the home. Burke and his female co-accused then allegedly took the family dog, a Lahsa Apso, to a nearby park where they taped the animal to a tree, causing it to choke to death.
So they beat this lady in front of her kid... then left to... kill their dog? Is it me or does it seem like maybe there's some important info missing in this whole article. Did the 19 year old just kind of sit there? Any particular reason they up and left with the dog? Did they steal anything? What the hell, article?
Police have charged the pair with robbery with violence, wilful killing of an animal and entering a dwelling with intent. Burke was remanded in custody to reappear in Mackay Magistrates Court on Wednesday, while his co-accused was released on bail to appear in the same court on January 29.
So... How did they get caught?! God, I hate articles like this. They tell you everything except what you want to know. Did they go to a 7/11 with dildo and gimp mask still on and get ID'd or something? Did they give themselves up? Did they steal a giant billboard or something else easily visible? And seriously... INTENT TO WHAT?!?!!? The burglary thing is covered, so it can't be that right? The animal killing is covered so it can't be that right? Intent to use a dildo? And back to the main thing that struck me (no pun intended I promise) as odd about this article is: Why use a dildo? Couldn't you have just as easily used a stick from a tree right outside the house or something? Unless you're trying to create a name for yourselves a la the Wet/Sticky Bandits. I don't know. Could work I suppose. What do you think, The Cocky Bandits?