Monday, January 5, 2009

Wherever You Go, Never Order 'The Squeeze'

Happy New Year Everyone! Welcome back for another year of stupid crap, obvious jokes, and horrifying news related to genitals.

Today I'd like to you to take away at least two lessons from this post. You can consider them things you can try to do this year to make it better than '08. First, never ask for 'the squeeze'. Secondly, and perhaps most important in your endeavors - as a way to avoid 'the squeeze' in the first place - if you are going to rob an old lady, remember to wear clothes.

Woman, 88, gives naked intruder the ‘squeeze’

The Multnomah County Sheriff's Office said an 88-year-old woman fended off a naked intruder by grabbing the man's crotch and squeezing. Deputy Paul McRedmond said the man got into the house Tuesday through a sliding door. He backed the woman into her living room and pushed her face down onto a chair.

Ok. So is there anything more humiliating than getting your robbery plot foiled by a geriatric woman? Oh right, getting your plot foiled by a geriatric woman who squeezes the shit out of your cock and nuts to do so. Also, was anyone else wondering how long it had been since she had someones dongle in her hand? I would say at least 2.5 decades. Does it make me fucked up that that was the first thing I wondered? No? Phew.

Let me at those nuts!!

That's when the woman reached behind and squeezed. The man tore free and fled.

Did you really have to say "tore" free? If you had just said "freed himself" or something, we would have gotten the same idea. You didn't have to write this such that anyone with meat and 'taters would cross their legs and cringe whilst reading, did you?

McRedmond said a county code enforcement officer who heard the police call on his radio spotted a car near the woman's house and passed on the license information to authorities.

They also then had the woman describe what he looked like, and the approximate size and shape of his penis and testicles.

Troutdale police arrested a 46-year-old man. He has been jailed on accusations of burglary, harassment and private indecency. Bail was set at $110,000.

...And fin. Nowhere does it explain why this man went into this old woman's house. So i suppose burglary is a safe assumption...BUT WHY THE FUCK WAS HE NAKED?! Maybe he thought the sight of a live penis would give the old bird a heart attack and he could rob her without having to worry about getting 'the squeeze'. Maybe she was a GGILF? Maybe he was robbed and was just looking for some kind soul to lend him some pants, and accidentally knocked her down. I am going to break this case wide open if it's the last thing I do! I'm going to put the system on trial!

UPDATE: Now with creepy video!

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