Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Goodness, Gracious, Etc.

Just like that, except way, way worse.

An Australian woman accused of setting her husband's genitals on fire because she thought he was having an affair has been charged with murder.

That's right. She lit his nuts on fire... and it killed him. Now, far be it from me to claim to be any sort of detective-y type guy, but this seems a tad drastic, even if you've got indisputable evidence. She thought he was cheating? Because lighting his dongle on fire seems like a knee-jerk reaction to maybe catching him in the act while he's cheating on you with your mom and doing it on your kid's bed or something... so what did this guy do, exactly?

Prosecutors said 44-year-old Rajini Narayan confessed to neighbors that she set her husband on fire on Dec. 8, 2008, after she saw him hug another woman.


He hugged a woman. Is that even grounds for suspicion? Couldn't you have just said "Who was that woman you were hugging?" As opposed to the usual "Give me your dick so I can set it ablaze!" Granted, I don't like people squeezing me with their bodies, so I'm no hugspert, but isn't that pretty innocuous? Maybe the woman saved him from a burning building, or returned a missing wallet or something. Of course, as always, this story gets better, so buckle up and keep all appendages inside the blogicle... or whatever. Shut up.

She was initially charged with endangering life and arson but the charges were upgraded to murder after her 47-year-old husband, Satish Narayan, died from his injuries last week.

So this guy gets his penis burned so badly that he's in the hospital for multiple weeks... Then dies from the injuries. And you wonder why people hate the Australians. Or maybe you don't. Do people hate Australians? Anyway, how'd she pull this off ?

Prosecutor Lucy Boord said Narayan told neighbors she was a "jealous wife" but she hadn't meant to kill him when she doused the sleeping man's genitals with an alcohol-based solvent and then set him on fire.

Well, no of course not. Why else would you light a sleeping man on fire, starting with the genital region?

Boord quoted Narayan allegedly saying: "I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else. ... I didn't mean this to happen."

Oh... I... see? So if you severely burn his dick, no one else will want it... except... you? The ol' light his dick on fire to spite others vaginas... or something. At what point does logic just stop occurring in people's brains? Shit like this will never make sense to me. But so anyway how the hell did this end up killing this poor bastard?

The husband jumped out of bed and knocked over the bottle of alcohol, causing the fire to spread and resulting in 1 million Australian dollars ($711,000) of damage to their town house and an adjacent property, the Adelaide Advertiser reported.

So it's his own fucking fault! Obviously don't knock over a bottle of alcohol when you're on fire mate! Did a dingo eat your brainby?[note to self: delete that, it's fucking awful] Seriously though, what the fucking fuck.

Narayan was remanded in custody for psychological assessment and will reappear in court Friday. She has been charged with murder, arson and three counts of endangering life, as the couple's three children were at home during the incident.

Whoa. Way to drop a bombshell there at the end, buck-o. They had three kids? Note to crazies: don't light shit in your house on fire when you have several sleeping children in said house. Also, I wonder how her psych evaluation will turn up. You think she'll be found to be fucking crackers? Also, this article never really gets to the most important aspect of this whole ordeal. Was the guy cheating on her or what?! Because if he was, he totally deserves that shit.

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