Thursday, June 26, 2008

When I Agreed To Donate My Body To Science, This Isn't Quite What I Had In Mind

Or is it?

Pushing the boundaries of science, researchers injected dye and latex into 14 cadavers to find the boundaries of four deeply seated facial fat compartments. All in the interest of making you more beautiful, of course.

Seriously? Isn't there cancer to be cured? This is what scientists are doing? You go to med school for 8 years so you can fuck around with dead bodies to make peoples cheeks fatter? This is why other countries hate us.

The research revealed that volume loss in those fat compartments results in the hollow
look of aging, the researchers say.

Hey fat face! You look so young!

So, could pumping up those compartments make you look like, say, Angelina Jolie?

OOOOOOOOOOhhhh, I don't know could it?! Tell me more about your experiments on dead people's faces How pretty will it make me?!!!!!!

"Cheeks are vital to what
we consider beautiful — from chubby-cheeked infants to Hollywood stars like Angelina Jolie," said study co-author Joel Pessa of University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center. "This research breaks new ground by identifying the boundaries of specific fat compartments that are key to facial rejuvenation involving the cheeks, and as a consequence, the overall look of the face."

Oooooooh! Make me look like a chubby faced infant! God forbid I look my age! Thanks science! I'm Angelina Jolie! OUTTA MY WAY!!!!!

But wait! There's more.

But wait, there's more.

"Restoring these compartments also improves volume loss under the eyes, helps eliminate lines around the nose and mouth and gives more curve to the upper lip, all of which restore a more youthful appearance to the face," according to a statement from the center.

Thank Christ for the Texas Southwestern Medical Center, which is I believe the sister center to
Hollywood Upstairs Medical College. These nice men are here to help you, liney face.

By now, you're either looking for a place to sign up or you are chuckling at the cheekiness of it all.


But the study is part of a booming business in "injectable fillers," the artificial and sometimes natural stuff that "can plump thin lips, enhance shallow contours, soften facial creases and wrinkles, or improve the appearance of recessed scars," according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS).

Note to self: get into the injectable fillers business. Injectable Fillers: The new pogs? Ron Popeil was so ahead of his time.

Fat is big these days, and
getting bigger. Plastic surgeons did 47,000 fat injections in 2007 and 1.1 million injections with "hyaluronic acid," which the ASPS says is "a natural substance found in our bodies that is well suited to plump thin lips and fill facial creases." It's in skin, cartilage and other tissue, and the FDA approves it as an injectable filler.

"You look so youthful, is that fat and hyaluronic acid?" Doesn't the FDA have more important shit to do than determine whether the shit you're injecting into your face is safe? It would be awesome if they were just like, "Fuck it; If you're dumb enough to get fat and acid injected into your face, who are we to tell you whether or not it's safe."

Among the targets for all this plumping are men, who, according to a December 2007 study in the journal Dermatologic Therapy, are "more timid" about procedures for facial rejuvenation. "Only with the advent of minimally invasive procedures such as Botox and fillers have men begun to participate in cosmetic treatments," the researchers of that study wrote. What do men want with injectable fillers? Wrinkle ablation, volumization and sculpting facial contours.

Oh, men are dabbling in idiocy as well? You don't say.

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