Sunday, June 8, 2008

You May Very Well Be A Complete Moron: Pasta Edition! - UPDATE

Last night, I was home alone for a fairly long while, which means I was not going to make any sort of elaborate dinner. A simple pasta dish, I figured, would be nice and easy and quick and painless. It's strange to think one will use "painless" in addition to those other adjectives while describing a cooking experience. Strange, until you consider that you may end up with your foot in a puddle of boiling water, if you're a complete moron.

There are a few things, cooking wise, you should be able to do without any sort of problem, regardless of how stupid you are: make toast, peanut butter sandwiches, grilled cheese, scrambled eggs, and pasta. If any of these are a problem for you, your last name might as well be
Gump(timely, no?).

For a long while, I have considered the purchase of a pot that has a
lid with holes in it, specifically made for draining pasta. Every time I have decided against, however, because I always end up thinking to myself "Why would I spend the extra money for something that makes it slightly easier to drain pasta just so that there isn't this minute chance something awful happens". I no longer feel this way. Even as I was putting the strainer in the sink I clearly recall the thought "seriously, if you're not a complete fucking imbecile those pots are a waste of money". Those pots are clearly not a waste of money for me.

So, pasta
al dente, sauce ready and waiting, I begin to pour the water out into the sink. What always happens when I do this is a large splash of steam flies out of the sink, fogging my glasses ever so briefly. I then move my head back slightly, so my glasses will clear up. What happened this particular time though, is that I somehow moved my entire body back, so, right in time for my glasses to clear up, I can see that the boiling water is no longer pouring into the sink, but directly onto my left foot. I then try to step forward to pour the rest of the water into the sink, only to find the tile floor surprisingly slippery, causing me to almost fall and pour even more water all over myself. Now, because I am a complete moron lucky enough to have a fairly high threshold for pain, as all this is happening, all that is running through my mind is to not lose the pasta. So I finagle my way back to the sink and drain the pasta.

I then have to carefully navigate the kitchen, as the floor is drenched. I also have to figure out exactly how bad the
burn on my foot/ankle/leg is(not my actual foot). I decide its not that bad, only to later find myself unable to think about anything other than the pain in my foot unless there is an ice pack on my foot. This made walking awful and sleeping next to impossible.

The moral of the story is to never try to do any thing since you probably suck at it anyway. You'll probably just hurt yourself because you're an idiot, and trying is just the first step towards failure.


Now with a little something for the ladies:

is he missing his toenails?