Quit "Monkeying" Arou--AHHHH GOD MY TESTICLES AND BUTTOCKS

My good buddy/blogospherical arch-nemisis Pemulis (oooh, that rhymed!) sent me an interesting little ditty from MSNBC.com this morning. It reads:

LOS ANGELES - A 42-year-old chimpanzee who is toilet-trained and can eat with a knife and fork is believed to be at large in a Southern California forest after escaping his cage.

Ok, so this story would be interesting enough if that was it. A big trained monkey running wild somewhere around Los Angeles...But that's not even, like, .000001% of this story. God, where to begin...

The chimp in question's name is Moe, and he was discovered in 1967 by some douche named St. James Davis.

Yeah, his first name is "St. James," and yeah, that's an actual pic of him. I thought it'd be funny to just Google image-search "huge fucking douchebag loser-ass honkey" and just post whatever the first pic was...this was the pic came up...but upon further investigation it turns out this is actually St. James Davis.

So anyhoo, this stock-car driver (I'll believe that when I see his fat doughy ass successfully jammed through the window of one of those things) finds this orphaned chimpanzee in Tanzania, and thinks "hey! I'ma take him home and have me a ad-venshur jus' like Ev'ry Which Way But Loose!

Ku-hyulk!!!

Hilarity (and horrifying disfigurement) ensued.

Well, St. James's girlfriend, LaDonna (get it? like, MA-donna, but...y'know...not.) must be his perfect match, because he returns back from a trip to Africa with a baby chimp, and asks "Cud we keep 'im???"

And she's like, "cool."

So LaDonna's womb is barren so they start treating Lil' Moe (not to be confused with Lil' Mo) like a "surrogate son, toilet-training him, teaching him to eat with a knife and fork and letting him sleep in their bed and watch TV."

Ok, so not bad...they teach a chimp to surpass Courtney Love in terms of domestication and-- Hold up. Sleep with them? Yeaaaaaa, I don't know about that. Can you imagine getting a reach-around in the middle of the night and not even know if it's human!?!?

(Feel free to add your own Paris Hilton joke here.)

So, here they are, this uuber fucked up family of St. James Davis and LaDonna Davis (apparently they were both Davis's before they got married...I don't know about you, but I would be kinda hesistant to marry someone who already had my last name...like, altogether possible this chick is my relative...of course, my last name's Berberich, so maybe it's just me), and their "son" Moe, who is slowly growing from a cute little beanie baby lookin turd of a primate into a ticking time bomb of a killing machine (I don't usually do this, but click the link if you didn't. Soooooo worth it.), living the American (acid-induced) Dream and then things start to go wrong.

First, this adorable little stinker bites some lady's fucking finger off. The Davis'ses's claimed that Moe thought that the lady's bright red fingernail was a licorice - his favorite candy!

awwwww...

Somehow, this failed to calm down the finger-capitated lady, and the Fucking Crazies, er, Davis's settled out of court. All was well again...for about 10, maybe 15 minutes.

Moe's next delightful little romp ended in the chimp mauling a fucking cop's hand. The Davis's once again came to Moe's defense with an explanation:

"...um...he just thought...it was his, um....his toy...severed hand...that he likes to...you know...maul."

Unfortunately for the Davis family, their whimsical 30 year run of endangering the lives of themselves and anyone within a mile radius of their home had come to an end. Moe was taken to an animal sanctuary. The Davis'sess'ss fought and fought, but were unable to bring Moe home.

The couple, who have no children, broke down in tears at a press conference in Los Angeles.

"What am I going to do?" sobbed LaDonna Davis.

"He meant the world to us," said St. James Davis. "He was the best man at my wedding."

Our tale of funny chimp pictures and merciless carnage doesn't end there, though, as several years later-- wait, HE WAS THE BEST MAN AT YOUR WEDDING?!? Are you for fucking serious?!?

This is the extent of your friendless existence, when you can't manage get a fucking Homo Sapien to be the best man at your wedding??? What did the bachelor party consist of, gang-raping an injured cat or some shit??? How about the fucking toast? TELL me that chimp didn't throw his own shit at that wedding, or at least--

"Oh . . . well . . ." says Davis, with well-practiced delicacy: "Moe . . . peed on a woman." All the excitement of the reception, maybe too much punch.

HAH! I fucking KNEW it! Now, where was I...

Oh yes, the funniest (and by funniest, of course, I mean most grotesque) part of the story...

Well, it was Moe's birthday, and Mom and Dad packed up their car (which I can only imagine they fashioned into a giant banana for their "son's" (shudder) enjoyment) and headed to the Jungle Exotics animal sanctuary.

Now, Moe was not the only chimp on the premises. The Washington Post describes his neighbors with hilarious gravity:

In a cage nearby were four other chimps, veterans of somewhat rougher environments: Susie, 59, was a former breeder chimp who had lost an arm in an accident. Bones, 40, had been rescued from an abusive home. The other two were young males, 16-year-old Buddy and 13-year-old Ollie, who had worked for a Hollywood animal trainer until they grew too strong and aggressive.

Jesus Christ, you left out the part about Buddy's crippling addiction to meth and the love-child to whom Bones has never sent a dime of child support. I guess this was the Oakland side of the animal sanctuary. Also, I love how the post reports that Buddy and Ollie "worked for a Hollywood animal trainer," like they filled out fucking applications and took pee tests before they could star in the straight-to-DVD thriller Congo 5: More Fuckin' Gorrillas.

To all my loyal readers (how are ya, Tim?), who've stayed with me so far due to the promise of damage to both the testicles and buttocks promised in the title, here's the payoff:

As LaDonna moved to cut her own piece (of the chimp's birthday cake...God these are sad people), she glimpsed something to her left. It was one of the teenage male chimps. He was out of his cage.

Ooooooooooooooh schnapps!

He slammed into her backside, knocking her into St. James. She thinks she must have thrown her arm around her husband's neck, and just like that, the chimp "just chomped off my thumb."

DAAAAAAAAAAAAYUM! By the way, for those readers who have testicles, read the following at your own peril:

The 62-year-old man was conscious but near death. He had lost his nose, an eye, most of his fingers, both testicles and much of the flesh from his buttocks and face and left foot, but the chimp was not done with him yet.

Ok, all douche-bashing aside, NO ONE deserves that. Chirst, can you FUCKING imagine having your testicles RIPPED OFF by a God-damned chimp?!? "Take your stinking paws off me you damned dirty AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-m'NUTS!"

Ollie and Buddy were eventually both capped in their respecitve dome-pieces, and as far as I know, St. James is still in a life-sustaining coma. According to reports by the thumbless Mrs. Davis, Moe just "stood there, frozen." I'm just sayin, if I saw my pops get his sack ripped off in front of me, I'd be FUCKED up. And now, this chimp with a penchant for hand/finger-mauling is loose in SoCal. Let's hope they find him before he winds up in Compton...

When I Agreed To Donate My Body To Science, This Isn't Quite What I Had In Mind

Or is it?

Pushing the boundaries of science, researchers injected dye and latex into 14 cadavers to find the boundaries of four deeply seated facial fat compartments. All in the interest of making you more beautiful, of course.

Seriously? Isn't there cancer to be cured? This is what scientists are doing? You go to med school for 8 years so you can fuck around with dead bodies to make peoples cheeks fatter? This is why other countries hate us.

The research revealed that volume loss in those fat compartments results in the hollow look of aging, the researchers say.

Hey fat face! You look so young!

So, could pumping up those compartments make you look like, say, Angelina Jolie?

OOOOOOOOOOhhhh, I don't know could it?! Tell me more about your experiments on dead people's faces How pretty will it make me?!!!!!!

"Cheeks are vital to what we consider beautiful — from chubby-cheeked infants to Hollywood stars like Angelina Jolie," said study co-author Joel Pessa of University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center. "This research breaks new ground by identifying the boundaries of specific fat compartments that are key to facial rejuvenation involving the cheeks, and as a consequence, the overall look of the face."

Oooooooh! Make me look like a chubby faced infant! God forbid I look my age! Thanks science! I'm Angelina Jolie! OUTTA MY WAY!!!!!

But wait! There's more.

But wait, there's more.

"Restoring these compartments also improves volume loss under the eyes, helps eliminate lines around the nose and mouth and gives more curve to the upper lip, all of which restore a more youthful appearance to the face," according to a statement from the center.

Thank Christ for the Texas Southwestern Medical Center, which is I believe the sister center to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College. These nice men are here to help you, liney face.

By now, you're either looking for a place to sign up or you are chuckling at the cheekiness of it all.

CHEEKINESS!!! YOU FUCKING GENIUS WORDSMITH YOU!!

But the study is part of a booming business in "injectable fillers," the artificial and sometimes natural stuff that "can plump thin lips, enhance shallow contours, soften facial creases and wrinkles, or improve the appearance of recessed scars," according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS).

Note to self: get into the injectable fillers business. Injectable Fillers: The new pogs? Ron Popeil was so ahead of his time.

Fat is big these days, and getting bigger. Plastic surgeons did 47,000 fat injections in 2007 and 1.1 million injections with "hyaluronic acid," which the ASPS says is "a natural substance found in our bodies that is well suited to plump thin lips and fill facial creases." It's in skin, cartilage and other tissue, and the FDA approves it as an injectable filler.

"You look so youthful, is that fat and hyaluronic acid?" Doesn't the FDA have more important shit to do than determine whether the shit you're injecting into your face is safe? It would be awesome if they were just like, "Fuck it; If you're dumb enough to get fat and acid injected into your face, who are we to tell you whether or not it's safe."

Among the targets for all this plumping are men, who, according to a December 2007 study in the journal Dermatologic Therapy, are "more timid" about procedures for facial rejuvenation. "Only with the advent of minimally invasive procedures such as Botox and fillers have men begun to participate in cosmetic treatments," the researchers of that study wrote. What do men want with injectable fillers? Wrinkle ablation, volumization and sculpting facial contours.

Oh, men are dabbling in idiocy as well? You don't say.