Here are a series of abandoned "how-to"s and blog entries on the subject of "tying a bow-tie."
1) As I’ve always said, if it’s good enough for the Deep South’s landed gentry, it’s good enough for me. If you want proof, simply look to my fields of cotton, my closet stuffed with linen suits, and my centuries-long tradition of institutionalized racism. And my mint tea. And my bow-ties, oh, my bow-ties.
2) Unless you’re of the Deep South’s landed gentry, a university professor, or a hobo clown, it’s unlikely you have extensive experience wearing a bowtie. Luckily, experience is not required: all you need is the will (also, a bowtie). Follow these simple steps, and you’ll have yourself a bow-tie worthy of adorning the necks of such signature bow-tie wearers as Tucker Carlson, Bill Nye, or Mark Twain!
3) Who is your favorite bow-tie-clad hunk?
Pee Wee Herman
4) So you want to tie a bow-tie. Smart move: by widening your skill-set, you’ll make yourself more desirable as a man and more convincing as a Gina Gershon impersonator. You just need to keep in mind these few simple steps:
A) If you imagine the bowtie as a strip of fabric, with one end considered “A” and the opposite end considered “B,” lash that fucker to your throat with an overhand knot.
B) Forget about one end for a moment, and fold the remaining end, we’ll call this end “C,” onto itself, as in a dying star or half a bowtie.
C) Hold end “C” in place, then vertically drape the other end, end “D,” over the dark matter you created in Step B.
D) Fold end “D” in half as you did the dying star. Should you have trouble recognizing how to accomplish this, consider end “C” existing in universe “A” and end “D” existing in universe “B,” a parallel universe in which everything perfectly mirrors universe “A” but occurs moments later and exists in the form of a bowtie.
E) Bring your initial dark matter under and behind the second universe. You will notice that, as your knot begins to take shape, the metaphor begins to break down. This process is known as “science,” and is considered highly theoretical.
F) Tighten the knot you have created and straighten both ends. Make things as even as possible before completely abandoning the metaphor.
Congratulations, you have what it takes to tie a bow-tie, and are now well on your way to a successful future as a hobo, southern gentleman, university professor, or some permutation of these career inevitabilities.
5) The Boy Scouts of America have a motto: Be Prepared. While it’s likely they were referring to a general readiness for life’s unpredictable possibilities – stranded in the woods without a match, stranded in the woods without potable water, stranded in the woods being chased down by a hungry bear – it’s also likely they were referring to some of life’s more endemic and less stranding-related downturns. Would that we’d been better prepared for tsunamis, SARS, and the slow migration of killer bees (they’re coming!). We only have so long to heed nature’s subtle warnings of impending global disaster, and none of the world’s most disastrous disasters have captured our attention quite like the threat of a global climate shift.
Before we begin, consider the following Global Warming Warning Sign Checklist (adumbrated for patience and presented in the form of leading questions for easier consumption):
1) Holy crap it’s hot as balls out here, isn’t it?
a) You can say that again!
b) I know, right?
c) Not as hot as it was yesterday, but certainly warm, yes!
d) It is December, skip to the next question.
2) Isn’t it hotter out today than it was a couple month ago?
a) Way hotter! It’s like the sun up in this bitch!
b) At least as hot! In fact, twice the hotness!
c) That makes sense, because it’s July! And a hot one, at that!
d) I never considered, but for the sake of argument, yes!
3) Isn’t that glacier smaller than it was the other day?
a) What glacier? Where’d it go?
b) You mean that puddle of water over there, in front of the DESERT?
c) I can’t see it – my eyes have turned to dust!
d) I never even got a chance to say goodbye.
Therefore, in light of the impending climate shift, I think it’s wise we all keep an eye toward preparation for the future’s balmy clime. Blahblahblah the south has a history of many things, farming, racism, heat, dress like southerners, wear bowties. Here’s how to wear one. The end.