Monday, June 30, 2008

Will the Real Oliver Perez Please Stand Up?


It's been said that Oliver Perez is eratic. That you never know which Ollie is going to show up to the ball park the night he's pitching: Good Ollie or fucking awful Ollie. Last night he pitched a gem of a game in which he allowed only 3 hits to a stacked Yankees lineup. His start before that we lost 11 - 0 to the worst team in the Majors. That's been his stigma since he was a young kid on the Pirates. Oliver was nice enough to sit down with me to try and clear the air. What follows is the actual transcription of the interview.

Pemulis: Hi Oliver, nice of you to sit with me.

Oliver Perez: Thang ju mang, eets gootu bee heer. I'm glat tu be hable to comb heer and cleer thee air.

P: Well that's great Ollie. What would you say to these critics who say your performance has been eratic at best - was last night's Oliver Perez the real one?

OP: Ay chingada! Hoos been talking that at me mang. Fuck theese maricons. Ollie don' leesten to this bushleague sheet. I will cut any of ju n*****s says sheet to me, ju stoopid fahcking deek.

P: [takes step back] Well put Ollie. Now of what would you say has been the area you've most needed to improve since having a great '07 season?

OP: Well, da's a goo queshun a'cuz songtines my arm hangle dropes down a leel too moch ang de heeters get thee heets off my bowl. Eeet makes me feel baid and I ham workeeng beary har with de peetching coach to make me throw thee bowl better.

P: Well that's reasonable. What was your take on the Willie Randolph firing? Do you think now that the cloud of his job status is gone, the team can focus more easily on just playing and winning?

OP: Weelie was a no good comb guzzleeng sheet for brains n***** mang! Foke dat stupit mothafucka in the eye mang. Jayry - he my guy mang. Ang no more Peterlicker neither. Dat one one foking crazy caballero. And why dih no half side burnce? What a crasey louking cabron. Juan time I went to heece houce ang heed under his bed ang when he wake up to go tage a shit I cut dey foke out his hankles. Slit those fucks from heer to heer. Zen yoself up some stitches, cholo. Don't you know I'm LOCO esse?

P: [nervously] I do now, Ollie! So what else do you want people out there to know about you that makes you the wonderful person we all know and love?

OP: Da's a beary nice theeng hof ju to say mang. Ollie ees just like to throw thee ball, ang songtines heet thee ball when he come to plate. Ollie half 3 cats he like to pet ang take care of. Theys names Stoncipher, Jufos, ang Wrestlemaneea. I loaf those cats mang.

P: That sounds lovely! As a blogger, I have to ask: any websites out there you really like, or any blogs or internet phenomena you really enjoy?

OP: N******* foke jo eenternet. I play bowl to ween the woral series. I don half tine to look at the internet for sheet ju fokesheet. One tyng Ramon Castro try to have me watch 2 girls juan cope but I shoafed a broomhandle down hees throat ang he shat wood cheeps for week ang landed on the disables leest.

P: Well, that's great Oliver! Thanks so much for taking the time!

OP: I halso greatly henjoy kids in the sandbox. Thank ju beary much for hintairviewink me.


  1. a big thanks to berbles for editing the spanish accent so as to make it phonetically accurate. I couldnt have been offensive without his help.

  2. OP is one of the better video game pitchers in any video game in the last 5 years though. You can't underestimate that value.