Thursday, June 12, 2008

Kanab, Utah = Hell

You're not going to want to hear this, but there is a place in America where bikinis have been banned.

A ban on bikinis at the city pool is expected to be revised, ending a short-lived prohibition on the popular two-piece pool attire. But that does not mean that lifting the G-rating is going to lead to poolside G-strings.

"My recommendation is going to be no thongs or string bikinis," said City Councilwoman Nina Laycook, who called the original dress code an oversight.

Anyone care to explain how this oversight happened? I mean, a ban on G-strings is obviously well intentioned, versus the much more modest bikini bottoms, in which you can see someones entire ass, only yellow. Or blue. Or striped. Or whatever. But seriously, how'd it happen?

"We were so engrossed with safety and health issues we overlooked the wording," Laycook said. "We are addressing that now by amending the policy."

Oh. Fair enough. The health and safety issues of banning G-strings. According to studies I'm just now making up, 2500 people were hospitalized last year with the G-string flu. Not to mention all the G-stringed driving related deaths.

What kind of brilliant scientific paradise is this place, where they understand the dangers of women being scantily clad and whorish?

The restrictions were not popular, even in the community where the council passed a resolution in 2006 to favor the "natural family" consisting of a working husband, a stay-at-home wife and a "full quiver of children."

That's right, the type of place that passes a resolution to favor a certain family structure. What does a "council" like this do otherwise? It's like getting together with friends and voting on shit you like. Next they will be trying to get a resolution in place to favor ordering the whopper whilst at Burger King.

The question remains though, how do all the whores and sluts and harlots feel about this decision?

Victor Cooper, owner of the Rocking-V Cafe, said customers in the restaurant joked about the ban and expected them to be glad when it was lifted.

"They reacted to the (ban) with comical disbelief more than anything," Cooper said

Cooper was later tried and hanged and then shot for treason when Kanab passed a resolution banning all things "Rocking."

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