God has come back to earth, and his destination of choice is: Tampa Florida. Makes sense, nice and warm, pretty big party scene. Sounds like a good time. But it sounds like God maybe got a little carried away... and it wasn't even His first time..
Seems like a weird choice for God. You'd think he's maybe do something more charitable to get his name back in the papers and the mouths of the people. Like give cocaine away for free. God knows you cant take your money into heaven.
...I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. Matthew 19:24
See? Now give me some nose candy! I need some kizzy up my nizzy! I need to get high like a motherfucker.
Authorities began investigating God Lucky Howard in April, and he was arrested on Saturday.
I didn't even realize dude had a last name! Let alone a middle name. So I guess the H in Jesus H Christ is like, his maiden name? For Howard? But he took his mom's last name (Christ) when he came to earth? Speaking of Mary Christ, I should visit God in jail and ask him the significance of the appearance of his mother on my toast!
Police said he sold the cocaine to undercover detectives in his neighborhood. When officers searched his home, they reported finding 22 grams more of cocaine and a scale.
When interviewed from prison, God spaketh: I was testing these officers, testing them to see if they were truly dedicated to the police force. Dedicated enough to turn in God himself. I then also tested them on their math, focusing on the metric system using grams as opposed to ounces and pounds. They passed both tests with flying colors. I am currently in the process of testing the worthiness of my cellmate. His afterlife shall be determined by the quality of the Jenkem we are in the process of making.
He was being held on a bond of $86,500.
Awful and obvious God jokes aside, what I've always wondered is this: Let's say you are arrested for selling cocaine to undercover cops. They take you to jail and you are held on a bond of let's say $86,500. If you have like, 200 grand on your person when you are arrested, can you use that money to pay your bail? Or is that money taken away since it was probably ill-gotten to begin with, or is it put in an envelope with ones other possessions. I also have no idea how I might find out the answer to this question, since I know no one who is either has that much money or is a felon.