Friday, June 27, 2008

Point/Counterpoint: A Berbalerbs/Pemulis Collabo

Latest Updates 6/29

In the spirit of Mya, Blackstreet Ma$e and some other black dude coming together to create something magical, "Terrible" Pemulis and I "Soon to be edited by him into something really insulting" Mike Berbles are teaming up to give YOU, our loyal fans (which, come to think of it consist of Pem and myself) a little Collabo of our own: "POINT/COUNTERPOINT" or "A More Creative Title That I Was Too Lazy To Come Up With"

I shall begin as such:
Berbalerbs: POINT - The New York Baseball Metropolitans should, I repeat SHOULD sign Barry "I have the greatest disparity in head size/balls size in the history of humanity" Bonds to play for the rest of the 2008 season.

Let me begin by saying if Barry Bonds fell down the stairs and I was there to witness it, I'd high-five whoever was standing next to me and start laughing uncontrollably. I don't like him. I don't like his "shit don't stink" attitude. I don't like his little "Dat Wudn't Nuttin" look he gives after hitting a homerun. I don't like the fact that he has the GAYEST voice in professional sports and still makes me look like a little girl. Ok, second gayest voice...

All that being said, I don't like Scott Schoeneweis. I don't like his face. Really, that's the reason I don't like him. His face looks like a dickhead. I mean, not literally like a dickhead, but...actually, yea, his face does kinda look like the tip of a penis.

Regardless, I like it when he comes into a game and pitches a 1-2-3 inning. Just like every single Mets fan would love the shit out of that "Dat Wudn't Nuttin" look if Barry were giving it after launching one out of Shea off some nameless Nationals starter.

I don't care if he hobbles his ass around Shea like an autistic car victim. I don't care if he's quoted every morning in the Post saying "New York is like, 1000% gayer than San Francisco." THE GUY CAN STILL HIT. Hate him from now until Judgement Day, the dude can see the ball better than almost anyone in the history of the game. Oh, and let's see here...where's a position that doesn't require a whole lot of movement that is currently manned by a useless piece of shit...hmmmmmm....I wonder....

Go 'head, Penisless. Hit me with your best shot, y'lil BITCH.

COUNTERPOINT: The Mets should under no circumstances sign Barold J Bonds.

This is actually a tough call, because I do understand that his OPS last season was like, over 1. I also understand that his agent has been saying he'd play for the league minimum so there's no huge financial risk. Ha! actually, it's not a tough call at all. In fact, it's so obvious that they shouldn't sign him, I just gave you two great arguments, fuck-o! That's how in the bag I've got this shit.

First though, before I argue my case, I want to go back to what berbles said about Scotty Big Show. While you read berbles arguments, please note that the real reason he dislikes Schoeneweis is because berbles is an anti semite and hates anyone with more balls than him (Scott's only got the one).

Moving right along. I'm not sure if you folks are aware of this. But Barshall K. Bondsworth is a bit of a distraction. He tends to bring a media circus with him wherever he goes. Here in New York, the media can be a little brutal. I'll bring your attention to a little known episode that happened here recently when our manager, William Rutherford Randolph, was rumoured to be losing his job. If you recall, it was borderline manic. Media saturation wise. Now, try and imagine the biggest, most devisive player in the history of sports playing with that media. No thanks!

Reason number the 2, and this goes pretty well hand in hand with my first point: The fans would hate the shit out of him. Can you imagine how unbearable Mets game will be if he's on that team? It's brutal enough now will everyone booing everything that happens, and let's face it: most Met fans are turning into the type of asshole Yankee fans I hate, in terms of insufferability.

Next: We already have a decrepit left fielder over the age of forty who definitely. took. steroids.
(something tells me B-Bo would refuse to move to first base. And that something rhymes with Menormous Mego)

This brings me to my next point: this team needs to get older like I need another herpes outbreak. Wright and Reyes are the only guys starting who are under the age of 30. Their median age has to be like, 34. The Mets are almost old enough to start Lemon Partying.

Lastly, would you want to win the world series with him on this team? Wouldn't that make you feel dirty? But not in the good way, obvi. Seeing him on the field would sully the championship for me. Maybe not as bad as this:

but it would still be a let down.

Your move, shitfuck.

COUNTER-ER POINT: It is generally a good thing to score runs, as a baseball team. Barry Bonds has been known to score said runs. The 2008 Mets have not. And Pemulis looks like he got face-fucked by the ugly dildo. By Berbalerbs

Ok, let's get one thing straight: I didn't write disparaging remarks about Scott Schoeneweis because he's a Jew. I didn't even know he was Jewish (although in retrospect it's kinda a "duh" moment for me...I mean, Scott is totally a JewMonicker). I really stand by my comment that his face belongs on this poster:

Ok, on to putting the smack down on PemuBITCH (hah! cuz, see, it's like his blog name, but instead of "is" I put "bitch" cuz they sorta rhyme and bitch is insulting)...

While I'll concede that Barry "Flack Seed DEEZ NUTS" Bonds would create the possibility for a HUGE distraction, let me tell you what quells crises created by the shitstain tabloids in New York: winning. One popular method of winning? Scoring more runs than the opposing team.

Had the 2008 Mets not crashed and burned so often and in such delightfully terrible ways, there would've been no nit-picking of Willie's coaching methods or favoritism, and he could've held a press conference and said, "I bet the Wilpons say the word n***** like, ALL THE TIME" and he'd still be the coach for the Mets. He wouldn't have had to do a DAMNED thing differently and he'd be the Met's "strong stoic leader" instead of "a dude who looks like perfected sleeping standing up."

Honestly I'd fucking love a NY Post Headline that reads "Mets Think Bonds is an Asshole, Win 7th Straight."

Much like Pem's Reason #2 goes hand in hand (like 2 gayboys prancing) with his Reason #1, my second rebuttal double-teams 'Ulis like this one video I saw on RedTube.

Yea, the fans would be out of fucking control if Barry joined the team. They'd boo, they'd make really unclever signs, they'd do all kinds of other douchebag things...

Until he started driving in runs. And the Mets started winning more games.

New York fans don't care about anything more than winning. Michael Strahan says he doesn't need to show up for Pre-Season? Fuck him, that no-good fucking Prick. Oh, wait, the Giants won the Superbowl in part because Strahan put Tom Brady's face in his taint? Give that prick a key to the city!

And honestly, what's the alternative? If they stay on the course they're on right now, the booing will increase and increase until it starts to get quieter...the reason it will start to get quieter? Fans will stop giving a shit either way about this team.

And yes, let's talk about Moises "he still plays baseball? for what team?" Alou.

Pem, you're talking about him like he's actually on the team, like he'd platoon with Bonds and make the people in the left field bleachers think every day was Old Timer's Day. I'll even agree with you...we DON'T need another decrepit left fielder who juiced...however...we DO need a left fielder who at least contributes to the team's offense in any way at all. On today (dude must've known I was going to be smackin you around like you owe me money), there is an article on the Met's complete lack of offensive production. Here's a nice little tidbit to suck on, COCKFACE:

Meanwhile, Damion Easley, Marlon Anderson, Endy Chavez, Trot Nixon, Fernando Tatis, Moises Alou and Angel Pagan have all played left field for the Mets this season.
Together, making one left fielder, they have hit .184 with two home runs and 30 RBI, good for worst in the National League.

EAT IT!!! Bonds could have the worst season of his career and still end with a better line than the Transformer-with-down-syndrome of a left fielder we've had so far this year.

And let me clue our readers who may not know you personally (aka no one) on a little something:

Michael Allouicious Buttsuck Pemulis is the type of crotchety Mets fan that would rather see the team lose playing how he sees fit than win playing contrary to some of his baseball beliefs.

Would I really want to win the World Series with Bonds on my team? Would I really like to see the Mets make a near-miraculous turn-around from being an underperforming team without any spark to being the 2008 World Champions of Baseball if it meant Barry "I actually had another kid but I ate his marrow to give me more power to right field" Bonds would be part of the team?


And although you'd never admit it, Pem, you fucking would too.

And yea, the team's old as fuck. I might be able to make an eensy weensy exception for the All Time Home Run King.

Put that in your syringe and stick it, bitch.

COUNTER-EST POINT: If you think Barry Bonds presence would solve all the Mets problems and he would triumphantly lead the team to several game winning streaks, you are retarded.

So Mr. Outie Belly Button Looking Weiner decides to attack my arguments by saying that somehow, placing an oft hurt, much maligned, 'roided up egomaniac will save the Mets. Here's why Goblin boy is wrong.

Things Bartholorry Q. Bondington cannot do:

Prevent Johan Santana from giving up homeruns.

Make Carlos Delgado not be old and sucky.

Make Luis Castillo not slap the ball to a middle infielder.

Make Ryan Church not hit his head too hard.

Make the team bench OPS above like, 500.

Make the bullpen's VORP positive rather then negative (save for b wags, natch).

Make Beralerbs remotely fuckable to anyone with half an eye.

So in closing. Yes, Barry Bonds would be a good offensive addition to the team for the remainder of this season. Would he be able to get them into the playoffs and win a championship? Highly doubtful. If we make the playoffs this season its going to be a "wow it's nice to be here" type run and this team is going to be imploded in the off season if not before the trading deadline. We're going to be rebuilding, and bringing Grampa 'Roidy McCircus Sideshow will do nothing but bring unwanted annoyances. We just signed Andy Fucking Phillips for fucks sake. You're telling me a part time outfielder who will get a lot of walks and hit pretty well is going to solve all our problems? You're as dumb as you are ugly.

In closing: the end.

I win. Slather that on my dong and eat it, choda boy.

CUNT-ER-POINT: The Concession  

The point of this post is both to apologize and concede to an individual superior to me in every conceivable way. The blogger known worldwide only as Pemulis, or, in some circles, Pem "tell your girl to stop calling me" ulis has beaten me. 

My claim that if the Mets signed Barry Bonds, they would immediately improve in every aspect of their play and eventually go on to win the World Series without a shadow of a doubt has been proved incorrect. Now, I present my official concession and apology...









I was doing something something referred to in matters of discourse as "answering a fucking question, you Gaylord."

Let's take a look at where the words "world" and "series" were first used consecutively in this post...

Lastly, would you want to win the World Series with him (Barry) on your team?

You asked me if I’d really want to see the Mets win a World Series if Barry was on the team. I said yes, I’d have no problem with a World Championship Team with Barry “My balls are still bigger than Pem’s” Bonds on the roster. 

What a clever little trick, Pem (I’m hoping it’s a trick, because if you really remember this debate being whether or not Barry is a cureall ticket to the World Series, the cancer has spread from your asshole to your brain quicker than the doctors thought). 

You brilliantly setup a semantic trap... “Would you want the Mets to win the World Series with Bonds on the roster?” “Why yes, yes I would.” “What, you think Bonds would single-handedly bring the Mets to a World Championship? That’s stupid. I win!”r>iv>

Maybe you'd fool this guy, but I ain't him.

The question of this point/counterpoint, to remind you Pem, was should the Mets sign Barry Bonds for the rest of the 2008 season. 

That’s it. Not “will Barry bring the Mets to the postseason on a golden Chariot pulled by strippers amid a money rainstorm created by Pac Man Jones.” Not “is signing Barry Bonds the only thing the Mets need to do to make the team a championship contender,” just should the Mets sign Barry.

Yes, yes they should sign Barry. We don’t have a left fielder who can provide ANY offense. At all. We need one. 

What we DON’T need to do is give up prospects for one. Or shell out a shitload of money for one. I’m not saying Barry would be the greatest LF in the National League, but I AM saying that he is an ideal, no risk solution to one of the Mets' MAJOR problems.

I made the claim that if Bonds were on the team, the Mets would win more games. I made that claim because I believe it. The 2008 Mets haven’t been getting blown out all that often. It’s been a lot of acceptable pitching performances combined with shitty, Little League style offensive showings. As of 1:00 PM on June 29th the Mets have scored 375 runs, while allowing 378. That’s why they’re a mediocre team, not a basement-bottom terrible team.

Based on Barry’s 2007 numbers, he would’ve hypothetically had about 37 runs scored, 33 RBIs and 14 home runs and an average around .275. Oh, yeah, and over 60 walks. If you really don’t think plugging him in this roster would’ve helped us win some of the 1-run games we lost this season (our record is 7-11 in those games) you’re a mental invalid. 

And some games is the difference between us being in third place and first place. I mean, after a quick start, the Phillies haven’t exactly been making us put together 10 game winning streaks to stay in this race.

Ok, now that I've smacked Pem in the face with my dick so many times that both my dick and his face are numb, let's revisit a few of those "gems" that Barry Bonds wouldn't be able to help if he joined the team...

Prevent Johan Santana from giving up homeruns.

Wow, Pem, I think you nailed it, here. I completely agree that one of the MAJOR problems on the Mets is Johan Santana's pitching performance. I mean, his the homers he's given up has put his ERA to a STAGGERINGLY TERRIBLE 3.01, which is, by the bye the best ERA for a Mets starting pitcher so far this year. Sorry he hasn't pitched the 5 no-hitters that you apparently expected from him in this first 1/2 of a season with the Mets. 

Make Carlos Delgado not be old and sucky.
Make Luis Castillo not slap the ball to the middle infielder.

What're those two things detrimental to...hmmm, let me think...oh yeah, the OFFENSE. Which is EXACTLY what Barry would help to improve.

Make Ryan Church not hit his head too hard.
Make the bullpen's VORP positive rather than negative.

GREAT arguments. Signing a power-hitting left fielder WON'T undo injuries or improve our bullpen. You REALLY got me there. 

Make Berbalerbs remotely fuckable to anyone with half an eye.

...ok, granted. 

Oh and by the way, while they are probably going to undergo a big ole’ re-haul in the off-season, the Mets aren’t going to be “imploded” by the trade deadline, you fucking simpleton. Yea, they’re playing shitty…but they’re playing shitty in a shitty fucking division. They are 4 games behind 1st place with a HALF OF A FUCKING SEASON LEFT TO PLAY.

I’m glad you’re ready to call it quits and cry into your beer, but me personally, I think it’s quite possible to make a comeback from a MONSTEROUS 4 game deficit, even though we only have, like 80 FUCKING GAMES LEFT TO PLAY. 

I swear, Pem, I think you like the off-season and spring training better so that you can make speculations and bitch about trade moves without having to deal with actual baseball. That is what being a baseball fan is about, right?

In closing, Barry Bonds wouldn't guarantee a World Championship. He wouldn't fix everything wrong with the '08 Mets. He WOULD, however be a SHITLOAD of potential plus and almost NO negative. Oh, wait, he'd be what Pem said was an "annoyance." And we wouldn't want a bunch of guys getting paid millions of dollars to play a children's game to be annoyed. God forbid. 

That's all. Oh, wait one last thing: Tell yo mamma to stop calling me. The panties she left here are mines. She ain't getting them back.

COUNTRAPOINT: So regardless of our postseason chances, we should sign Barry Bonds.  Brilliant (said like the Guiness guys).

So I somehow semantically trapped berbles into seeming to say that Barry Bonds would fly in on Feathers or Cadillac or Tom Cruise and lead the team singlehandedly to the 2008 World Series Championship.  

This is inaccurate to say the least

So, let's peep what you "wrote" (if that is your real name):

The question of this point/counterpoint, to remind you Pem, was should the Mets sign Barry Bonds for the rest of the 2008 season.

That’s it. Not “will Barry bring the Mets to the postseason on a golden Chariot pulled by strippers amid a money rainstorm created by Pac Man Jones.” Not “is signing Barry Bonds the only thing the Mets need to do to make the team a championship contender,” just should the Mets sign Barry.

So, we should sign Barry because he will undoubtedly (even though he hasn't played in a year, even though he's 45, even though for some reason no team is even entertaining the idea of signing him) help the team offensively.  Great.  So what?  If we're not signing him because we think he would help get us over an edge to World Series contenders, there's no point.  We're not going to sign him to a 3 year deal.  His trial for perjury (which would also I'm sure be little more than an annoyance to both the players of kid's games and FANS) starts in March.  He's a rental.  That's why I listed the things he can't do (aside from getting you laid by something other than Gilbert Grapes  He's not going to do anything but provide a little bit of extra offense to a team that has no idea what it wants to be and that isn't going anywhere but sellersville.  Please, beerballs, go on:

Oh and by the way, while they are probably going to undergo a big ole’ re-haul in the off-season, the Mets aren’t going to be “imploded” by the trade deadline, you fucking simpleton. Yea, they’re playing shitty…but they’re playing shitty in a shitty fucking division. They are 4 games behind 1st place with a HALF OF A FUCKING SEASON LEFT TO PLAY.

I’m glad you’re ready to call it quits and cry into your beer, but me personally, I think it’s quite possible to make a comeback from a MONSTEROUS 4 game deficit, even though we only have, like 80 FUCKING GAMES LEFT TO PLAY.

You see, to those of us who were Mets fans since before 2004 or 2005, we know better.  This is like when hearing that Victor Zambrano is going to come around or something (Zambrano was the pitcher we got for Scott Kazmir - during the Steve Phillips Era.  He used to be GM of the Mets, which means there's obviously a quota of retards MLB needs to hire as GM, which means you've got a shot!).  Us actual Met fans are not so naive.  The Ace up Minaya's sleeve is probably signing some journeyman Latin player who is going to suck.  Not that that's Minaya's thing or anything.  Seriously, Wright and Church are the token white guys on Los Mets.  How did that happen?

Look. You being cocksnot and idiotic aside.  Here's why people are generally so torn on this issue:  Barry Bonds is like Hitler's Black Cousin.  There. I said it.  Sure maybe he'd help you win a mission or two, but eventually he's going to fuck himself over in Russia.

Check. Mate.

Honestly,  after having read Game of Shadows, and having read Love Me Hate Me: The Making of an Anti-Hero, there is just no way I could ever bring myself to root for Barry Bonds.  I don't know if maybe I hadn't read those books and found out what a completely awful person he was, I would have it in me to want him on my team.  As it stands right now, I am so happy that he has never won a world series, I wouldn't know what to do if he were up with the chance to win the world series for the Mets.  It would be such a weird, shitty feeling to be torn about my team winning the world series (which by the way is the point of bringing people on to your team, which would be why one would be asked whether one should sign a person, dickshit) where I'm genuinely sickened by a persons presence.  

Naturally my counter debater here hasn't read either book since neither one is in the Monster at the end of this book series,  but I won't fault him for that.  Those books are fucking DOPE.

I think that's really the heart of this argument and why it will never be resolved.  I'm like Israel to your Palestine. (Israel's the awesome one, right?)  Though I am going to lend you "Love Me Hate Me" and will then follow up and see if your tune has changed.  Because the depth of his cockgoblin-ness knows no bounds - I'm sure you can relate.

So there's my half assed attempt to bring this shit show to a close without having declared anyone winner.  Yes he could help the team but I don't think its worth it for reasons x and y.  Yes he would help the team and you do think its worth is for reasons crap and shit.  In the end, the only real winner here is testicular cancer awareness (and me - though my victory is unrelated to the nut cancer thing).  Please, give generously.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. I personally LOVE the Monster at the End of This Book.

    So eat shit.

  3. I'd also like to point out that I hate blogspot sometimes. Mostly when it decides to randomly assign bold fonts and font sizes to paragraphs. And like, I even took a goddamn college course on html, but come on, if you're going to make html obsolete, do it right, bitch!

  4. I'm...I'm glad we could kinda come together in the end...y'know...cuz....cuz....and I know I don't say this enough, it's just...

    I love ya Pem. I love ya real hard.