Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Best Idea We Ever Just Had

So as you are no doubt aware, the Mets are severely underachieving at present. I believe PECOTA has them slated to win around 93 games, so I'm still holding out hope that they start playing up to their computed expectation and telling myself that to win 93 games you still have to lose 69, and those need to happen some time anyway.

ANYWAY... Recently their manager has come under severe scrutiny as the team continues to play sub .500 baseball. I believe this to be lazy scape-goating by a New York media to driven to find a story. Retarded sports radio hosts are not helping the situation either (I'm looking at your stupid face, Craig Carton). Gary Carter, Hall of Fame catcher from the championship team in '86 - when he heard that Willie Randolph's job might be in jeopardy - called up the Mets to inquire about the position. What.a.dick. Keith Hernandez, who is probably the most ridiculous and best color commentator to ever exist in the history of anything ever, took exception.

"...I've kept quiet for such a long time, but for the people out there listening, just go in the dictionary and look up 'unconscious' and you'll find a picture of Gary Carter. I know that's strong, but it just happens too many times and it's just, you're walking around unconscious."

I explained this situation to a friend, when we hatched what is probably the greatest idea that any two people have ever idea'd in the history of idea-ing.

Keith Hernandez should become the new manager of the New York Mets. How has this not been thought up yet? Could there be a better solution (that doesn't involve space travel and wet t-shirt contests and Boiler Room references) ? I highly doubt it. So we discussed the important specifics that need to happen, should he become the manager:

-Cooler full of beverage of a cool and refreshing (and alcoholic) nature, present at all times to help provide manager brain juice.

-A Segway at the top of the dugout stairs. This will be used in lieu of walking out to argue calls with umpires. This segway will be equipped with a bull horn, to make his arguments more authoritative sounding.

-Before I get to the next and probably most important point, we need to establish that instead of a baseball uniform, Keith will be dressed as a Roman Gladiator. His helmet will be a gladiator helmet/pimp hat. And yes, he will have a sword.

-Two barely legal ladies, serving as concubines. They will serve a number of purposes beyond the obvious. They are as follows: Perky breasts used not only for fondling but also as tables for blowing copious amounts of cocaine. Instead of kicking dirt on umpire or throwing hat to ground, Keith may and shall beat the ever-living shit out of one or both concubines to express rage and fury. Instead of Keith being ejected from the game, one or both of the concubines may be ejected in his place. Should he choose, instead of throwing water cooler or trash onto field during fits of rage, concubine shall be tossed in an effort to keep Mets dugout property undamaged.

-Keith will be ushered into the dugout from the bullpen at the start of every game in his own pope mobile type vehicle.

-Every promotional day for the mets will become "Keith Hernandez Day" and during the 7th inning stretch, two barely legal, scantily clad babes make their way to center field and fight to the death for the right to be an honorary concubine for the rest of the game. Fans are encouraged to throw trash at them, as the concubines then have 5 minutes to clean up the field or they are also executed. There will still be bobble head promotional days, but only Ryan Church bobbleheads, and only accompanied by mean spirited concussion jokes.

The way I see it, this solves every problem. If the Mets win: hey awesome, the Mets win. But even if they lose you just got to throw shit at two babes fighting to the death after a man dressed like a gladiator rode around Shea Stadium on a segway shouting shit in a bullhorn! Who cares about baseball?

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