You Know What This Presidential Campaign is Missing? RACISM. Oh wait, I know...

Everyone, meet Diane Fidele, leader of the Chaffey Community Republican Women...um...Club (or "DumbCunts," for short).

As John McCain's last attempt at making a "game-changer" (whatever the fuck that means) fell short at the final Presidential Debate, his campaign looks to be hanging on by a thread in the polls.

Connection to fuckwits at McCain/Palin rallies (the most notable fuckwit: Palin) have tarnished the GOP candidate's reputation, and at times have caused him to rip the mic away from idiots before they drop the N-bomb and look to him for a high-five. Let's watch!

What can McCain supporters like Diane do in their candidate's time of need? What can be done to show that McCain, that Republicans in general, are not the close minded racist assholes they are depicted to be?

Oh I know! Let's make an Obama food stamp and circulate it around town!

A local [Californian...WTF?!?!?!? -Ed] Republican group has distributed a newsletter picturing Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama on a fake $10 bill adorned with a watermelon, ribs and a bucket of fried chicken.

W fucking OW. Way to go, GOP. John McCain's newest campaign slogan: "Hey guys...really...you need to shut the fuck up now."

But why Diane, why??? Do you really have that much hate in your heart toward black people? And, um....WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LIVING IN CALIFORNIA? Don't racists usually heart Alabama or Montana or something?

Diane Fedele, president of the group, said she had no racist intent.

OoooOOOooOOOoOOooOOOoooh now I get it! She didn't mean it to be racist, she did it because...um...she did it to prove that...uh...mind fielding this one Diane?

Fedele said she had received the illustration in e-mails and decided to reprint it to poke fun at a remark by Obama that he doesn't look like other presidents.

OooooooOooooOOOOOooooOOOoOoOOOOoOooooooooooOOoooooh now I see.

...

Nope, still don't.

"It was strictly an attempt to point out the outrageousness of his statement."

Well Diane does have a point there. It's pretty ridiculous for a man who may become the first black president in the history of the United States of America to say that he doesn't look like other presidents. I mean if you're going to say outlandish things like that, brilliant satirists like Diane have no choice but to PhotoShop you next to fried chicken and Kool-Aid. And she probably didn't even make the connection to racism!

"I never connected," she told the newspaper.

SEE? Fuckin' told you!

"It was just food to me. It didn't mean anything else."

Ok. All sarcastic bumpkin-thumping aside, THIS is the picture this brainless cunt decided to circulate to 200 people through her newsletter:



"Obama bucks." This is a photo of a black man on the front of a food stamp surrounded by pictures of Kool-Aid, watermelon, and BBQ ribs. In any and all scenarios, both in this plane of existence and any alternate universes there may be, THIS IS RACIST.

"We'd also like to point out" continued Diane, "that we were only giving a shout out to the African nation of 'Niger,' which I learned only after we sent the newsletter out is spelled with only one 'g.'"

Interested readers (read: fuckwit conservative Australian commenters) claimed that Obama was no better, due to the fact that he went to church when he was a kid and his pastor has said some pretty mean things about white folks.

THIS TYPE OF SHIT IS WHY HE SAYS MEAN THINGS ABOUT WHITE FOLKS. OH, AND, UH SLAVERY.

STOP PRETENDING LIKE WHITE PEOPLE HAVE IT WORSE THAN MINORITIES. THEY DON'T. PERIOD. END. OF. FUCKING. SENTENCE. MORONS.

Here's one of the comments...and don't give this bitch benefit of the doubt because she's from Australia...it still sounds like a 105 year old Klan member dictating to his 4 year old grandon with Parkinson's.

And let us all not forget [sic] the Racism [sic] Barack Hussein Obama [way to bring up the fact that his middle name's 'Hussein' cuz fuckwit racists NEVER do that -Ed] and his spouse listened to year after year for 20 years from Farrakhan [???] and Jeremiah Wright - the hate that spewed forth about the white man. And the US chickens coming home to roost after the murder of innocent civllians[sic and ?!?!???]........anti white rhetoric[**shoots self in face**]. If you think racism is just a GOP trait then your [sic] a bigger idiot than I first thought. PS: Hi Dazza :P

I felt it my civic duty to respond.

Hi Patricia! Do me a favor, mkay? Die in a fire.

PS Hi Dazza!!!:)))ZOMG:P LOLCATZ

Point: me.

Alright FINE I'll Go to Rehab, but I STILL Don't Think I Have a Problem...

Listen, I know I ain't yer "typical 'Merican citizen." I'm a bit of a "loose cannon." I "play by my own rules." I "sometimes show up to court and give 'em the old 'Kentucky Death Stare,' like this:"

I may do things "a little differently." I don't "bathe." I defecate "in public."

I've been "arrested over a thousand fucking times...really...no, really."

Like...300 times over a thousand times.

LEXINGTON, Ky. -- A Lexington man arrested more than 1,000 times in 16 years says he wants to go to rehab.

Horse pucky!!! My exact quote was "judge, 'r ye gonna stop ridin' m'nuts if'n I go t'rehab? Then'll fuckin' go." I didn't want to! Shit I'd just as soon go back t'prison. Ain't seen m'mama in bout a fortnight.

A Fayette District Court Judge gave Henry Earl an ultimatum: accept probation and treatment or spend the next 90 days behind bars for alcohol intoxication.

Judge GodWhyDoTheyGiveMeAllTheRetards: Sir, you have a choice...you can go back to jail, for like, the billionth time, or you can go to rehab and try and turn your life around.

Wiley Hick: Turn m'life 'round?

Judge: Unlikely but possible, yes.

Wiley Hick: What if'n I jist promise ta never git arrested agin til next month?

(Judge stares at W.H.)

Wiley Hick: Ok FINE, I know I prob'ly couldn't hold up m'end of the bargain there...

Judge: Prison or rehab?

Wiley Hick: What's the toilet moonshine situation in rehab?

Judge: There isn't one.

Wiley Hick: Well damn, that's a easy choice then. I'll take the 90 da-- say, what's the shower room rape situation in rehab?

Judge: There isn't one.

Wiley Hick: Jail cell rape?

Judge: Um...no.

Wiley Hick: Laundry room rape?

Judge: No!

Wiley Hick: Face-in-poop-filled-toilet-community-bathroom rape?

Judge: No, th-- ew, are you fucking serious?!?

Wiley Hick: Rehab it is!

In court Thursday, Earl told the judge

HAHAHAHAHAH YES! His fucking name is EARL!! Is this the guy that show's based on?

In court Thursday, Earl told the judge he's willing to go to rehab if the treatment center will take him.

BIG fuckin' if there, Cleetus. Although something tells me even if he screws up his rehab entrance interview (read: poops on the carpet in the waiting room), 90 days of jail isn't going to be the end of the world for him.

Earl has spent an average of nearly 250 days in jail each year since 1992.

250 days...for 16 years. 250. 16.

That's roughly 4000 days this bumpkin has spent behind bars.

Roughly 11 out of the past 16 years have been spent by Earl in incarceration.

I am 100% serious, if Earl was black he'd have probably been killed on Kentucky principal. Nothing against Kentucky or its citizens. You're just all racist ignorant homophobic idiotic simple minded cousin fucking mouth breathing trailer owning beer belly showing pieces of shit, is all.

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm a Ground-Dwelling Herbivore!

You can't arrest me! I'm a ground-dwelling herbivore!

A man who went to buy cigarettes in a gorilla suit to win a bet with his girlfriend is now being accused of receiving stolen property. Altoona police said they noticed a 20-year-old man walking down the city's Sixth Avenue just after midnight on Wednesday dressed as an ape.

Whoa whoa whoa... back that shit up mon frair. I am not a man in a gorilla suit. I am a gorilla. I used to roam the forests of Africa until I was brought over to America to be put in a zoo. I escaped, and have had to fend for myself ever since that fateful day 12 some odd years ago.

[masturbates, throws semen on you]

Since I've been on the lam, I've had to try my best to be a model citizen and yes, I've taken up smoking. People used to make me and my friends smoke at the zoo for their amusement, and now I'm the asshole for getting hooked? Look, I've been a stand-up character since I took up residency in Altoona. I even got a job in insurance. Here's me at the office!

[defecates, throws turds at you]

So you see, you can't arrest me. receiving stolen property? I don't even know from stolen property! Most I ever stole was a banana.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go rock the fuck out. PEACE.

God DAMNIT Germany, ENOUGH Already!

Well, if some of your countrymen are going to marry food items, I guess some others should eat humans. You know, just to provide balance and order to everything. Otherwise it'd just be crazy.

Currently the European media is full of reports about a grotesque case of cannibalism in Germany. Some call him the real life Hannibal Lecter. Others call him Germany's very own Jeffrey Dahmer.

Still OTHERS call him the Takeru Kobayashi of human flesh. Others STILL are calling him the German dude who ate another German dude (y'know if you're into that whole "literal" thing).

I should let you know, the "lead" where I originally found this story is "CrazyNews.Net," which is a site sorta like ours here at The 'Mauf, except...y'know...our posts are occaisionally funny. Anyhoo, this site's core readership seems to be 6 year olds with Down Syndrome because they supply an easy-to-follow collage of pictures of all the people they're going to write about.


Well sheeeeeit, I'm glad they showed me the grill, or I'd have NEVER been able to comprehend the cannibalistic slaughter that took place!

German police routinely investigate Internet chat rooms for sex crimes and child pornography.

To ensure there's enough of it to go around, of course. This is Germany after all...

They found posts from a man trying to find voluntary victims for a cannibalistic slaughter romp.

Obviously, no one was going to respond to such a gruesome ad (I mean there aren't even CRAZY people out there who'd sign up for this) and in time, Armin M. (last name not given to protect the...homicidally insane?) had to go out and forcefully kidnap someone, chain them up and slaughter them against there will.

I'm sorry, what?

He did? He found someone who--

Oh. Well, ok. He found someone who was game...

Allegedly, Bernd volunteered to be slaughtered and eaten by Armin. After making contact over the Internet, Bernd visited Armin in Rotenburg. They bought a large supply of painkillers and got to work.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? I can't even find someone to TOLERATE me on Craigslist, and this fuckstick finds someone who let's him KILL AND EAT HIM?!?

It's official world: I hate you.

But to make me feel better, I'm going to go ahead and say this dude, Bernd Jürgen B (who sounds like the town Drew Barrymore's character was from in Wayne's World) is literally the craziest motherfucker ever birthed. I mean, once you agree to let someone else brutally murder you then eat you, you literally hit the celing on crazy. There's nothing--

They cut off Bernd's erected penis, and ate it together.

Welp, I think I speak for all of us when I say I just vomited up my soul. And yes, the "they" that they're talking about is Armin, the killer, and Bernd, the guy being killed. This dude's last moments on earth were spent eating his own dick.

I guess, if Bernd Jürgen B ever wronged you...um...time to pop champagne?

So the trial comes and there's kind of a problem: ok so what Armin did is completely horrid and terrible and crimes against humanity and all that jazz and whatnot. Only problem is: there's like, several mountains of evidence that clearly show that Jurgen Byurgen D-D-Durgen wanted to be castrated, have a little taste of his own wee wee, and then be murdered to death and eventually included in a delicious German stew.

A. Jurgen Shmergen responded to an ad with the subject: 'Gay male seeks hunks 18-30 to slaughter.'

B. The video evidence...yea...they made a little keepsake vid to commemorate the moment...

"The victim appeared to be fully aware of the situation," an investigator said. "Videotape material definitely shows both him and the suspect engaged in eating his own flesh prior to his death."

Christ why am I still writing about this??? And finally,

C. The crazy motherfucker (lemme be more specific, the crazy, dickless, dead, and currently being digested motherfucker) MADE A GODDAMN WILL PRIOR TO HIS CONSUMPTION. How can you be equal parts batshit crazy and extremely foresightful? Maybe it's best this dude went the way he did...he'd have probably ended up a supervillain. I mean, look at him:
You dump a little bio chemical cocktail on that and add a cape...fuckin evil fuckin genius. Maybe it's best that this is the end of the story for Jurgen Gurgen Racial Slurgen Kitty Purrrgen Bergen (County) Consented to his own Murgen Byurgen Say No to Furgen Computer Nergen Hot in Hurrgen.

Zeke the Plumber Wants his Say

Hi. I'm Zeke the Plumber. You may remember me from my brief stint haunting Camp Anawana. Anyway, Last night's final presidential debate featured Joe the plumber pretty prominently. I'm on to you, Wurzelbacher. You don't speak for us undead zombie plumbers. When are they going to talk about our issues?

Why wasn't any candidate asked about his stance on murdering campers in the woods?

Why wasn't either candidate asked about touching people with plungers and haunting their dreams?

John McCain talks a lot about his time in a POW camp in Vietnam, but no one talks about the plight of the man who gets his nose bitten off by a parrot in the Philippines!

Sure you both want to cut taxes for the American families, but what about Ghost plumbers who haunt Camp grounds? What are you going to do for me?!

Wait... can I even vote?

Young Powelleezy Baby

Not PhotoShopped. I swear. Really. See?

To y'all out there, my name is Colin Powell,
Once upon a time I was wise as an Owl,
Then I got a new crew, and the shit turned foul,
Now I'm a puppet for Bush like his hand's up in m'bowels,

No WMD's, didn't know what to do,
Put dat money in my hand I'll say I saw dat shit too,
My rep was ruined, no one believed my words,
But at least now I live in the Connecticut suburbs!

So that's my flow, and the shit was whack,
But I knew how to rap...back when I was black,
Now I got mo dough than dat ho yo mama,
Excuse me, I gotta go secretly vote for Obama...

(Listen, I'm really, REALLY sorry to everyone who read this. I saw the picture and I had to. I just...it's...I had to.)

Jeez, ANOTHER Disembodied Head in the Shark Tank Story...

**Sigh**

Well, you know it's a slow news day when I'm blogging about mundane shit like a picture of a floating head being spotted in the shark tank at a British aquarium.

I know. Yaw-fucking-n.

IT’S just what you’d expect to see in a snap from an aquarium. A shark, blue water — and a disembodied HUMAN HEAD.

Oh I should mention this story is coming from the reputable high-end British publication The Sun, and, accordingly, is stylistically comparable to a 12 year old's Youtube comments.

This story is currently sharing space with headlines like "Daniel Lloyd's hot and naked" and "Mum had sex with lad aged 14." Just so you know.

So the pic is here. (those limey wankers won't let me grab the pic, so CONGRATS you bad-teeth having fucks, here's your link)

This illustrates a point that I think about when I'm high sometimes...The inter-webs have completely destroyed my sense of wonder and/or belief and sprinkled salt on the earth so that no new wonder and/or belief may ever grow again. I saw the photo and shrugged my shoulders. "Meh, definitely a fake. I mean, look at the guy's goofy expression! He totally KNEW he was going to be super-imposed at the bottom of a shark tank. Totally."

Dentistry student Emma, of Doncaster, only spotted the ghoulish face when she arrived home. She said: “My boyfriend said, ‘what’s that?’ I replied, ‘it’s a shark’.

To which her boyfriend replied "OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU STUPID BITCH YEA I KNOW IT'S A FUCKING SHARK I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FUCKING HEAD IN THE WATER OH MY GOD I KNEW I SHOULD'VE KILLED YOU ON THAT CAMPING TRIP, THAT OTHER COUPLE WE MET SAW HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU ARE, THEY WOULDA BACKED ME UP ON MY 'SHE WANDERED OFF A CLIFF' EXCUSE OH MY GOD I HATE YOU."

“He said, ‘no, the face.’

Same diff.

"I was like, oh my God! It actually looks quite spooky. I’m easily freaked-out.”

I'm going to go ahead and say my version of the boyfriend's response was closer to what The Sun claims.

Oh, and maybe it's just me but I don't feel like I'd need to make an excuse for myself being freaked out at a disembodied head chilling in a shark tank. That's like if someone saw 4 people mauled by a chainsaw and was all "I'm terribly sorry I just get a little shaken up around blood. Quite embarassing, really."

Boffins at the aquarium admit they are baffled by the appearance of the man’s face, which appears to be gawping up at a shark

Um...[sic][sic][sic][sic][sic][sic][sic][sic][sic] whaaa? Boffins? Gawping? Jesus Christ, if you're going to use our language at least learn to SPEAK IT, fuckin' ham boiling sons of bitches.

So, according to God, "boffin" means "scientist" and "gawping" means "gawking" because we totally needed an additional word for it. I'm surprised shark isn't something like "jinkywankadillyaquathing."

Now I don't want you getting any crazy ideas like the head belonging to a murdered boffin or something outlandish like that. It's probably just a ghosty.

The aquarium – on the banks of the Humber estuary – was built on the site of an isolation hospital, where smallpox victims were held.

When asked if it might be the spirits of hospital patients that died on the grounds, boffin Nigel Billywinkle said, "it could possibly be the smallpox patients. Other possibilities would include the group of 45 people killed here last year in a Satanic ritual meant to open a portal from this world into the next. But it could possibly be the smallpox patients."

A night watchman claims to have spotted a shadowy figure in the TimeLine, which charts the history of the world’s oceans.

(Dismissive wanking motion) Oh, ok boss, let me look into that right away (more dismissive wanking) hey, we got any witnesses who can beat a 6 year old in a spelling bee? No? Ok then. I guess we'll go on the leads we have, then (wank wank wank)

Colin Brown, chief executive of The Deep,

The Deep here is a reference to the aquarium exhibit, not my upcoming straight-to-Redtube featurette. By the way, keep an eye out for The Deep, starring me, a couple of "18" year olds and a LOT of Jesus juice.

Colin Brown, chief executive of The Deep, said: “We are a scientific centre and we’re sure there must be a logical explanation."

Ok then...

"It’s just that we can’t find it."

Right. Well, if you've never heard a boffin say something fucking stupid, here ya go! This just proves that everybody's ignorant. This is on par with a Fundamental (get it?) Christian saying the earth is 4000 years old regardless of the ridiculous amount of scientific evidence pointing to the contrary.

"There must be some sort of optical illusion or reflection of images between the window, but we cannot figure out how it has been done.”

"In conclusion, we have no scientific explanation for this, but we guarantee you that there's a scientific explanation for this. Because sometimes when it comes to science, you just gotta close your eyes and believe, regardless of what you observe. (Wikipedia's "science") Oh. Hm. Well, this is a pickle isn't it?"