Occasionally I Confuse My Suppositories With Vegetables, Too

Look, this next item may sound a little weird, but let me ask you this first. Who here hasn't been hanging curtains, naked, and slipped and fell on a vegetable of some sort? Let he who is without weird fetish cast the first potato.

A vicar attended hospital with a potato stuck up his bottom - and claimed it got there after he fell on to the vegetable while naked.

He's a man of God, why would he lie? Is it even possible for them to lie? I'd guess no. Also, attended hospital? What is hospital? Is it like Home-Ec? For people in a country called England, you sure don't make good English much with your writes.

The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table. He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.

Like I said, who doesn't do things like hang curtains in the nude? And where is he supposed to keep his potatoes if not on places where his ass might wind up? Away from places where his ass might wind up? What are you, Mexican? And what kind of sex game involves Butt Potatoes? Butt Potato? One potato two potato three potato butt.

The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in Sheffield have had to remove from people's backsides or genitals.

MmmHmm... please do go on...

Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.

...

Seriously though, I was putting on the deodorant, slipped on a cucumber sliver, fell on the Russian doll and through a series of unfortunate bounces I wound up in the garden with said objects in my posterior. Please let's just drop it already.

Then blah blah blah they talk to a nurse and:

A hospital trust spokeswoman in Sheffield said: "Like all busy hospitals we do see some unusual accidents.

"But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way."

Very discreetly, she said to the person working for a fucking newspaper.

Welcome to Hell...Pizza. Can I Take Your Order?

Oh hi there. Did something happen last night? I was watching Boiler Room on repeat all night and didn't get a chance to ...what's that?... election you say? Well unless you voted yes on proposition pick up your skirt, grab your balls and make some money, I don't care. It's time for some fucking Hell Pizza.


A New Zealand pizza chain has withdrawn an advertisement showing the corpses of actor Heath Ledger, Britain's Queen Mother and Mount Everest conqueror Sir Edmund Hillary dancing on a grave.

[frantically searches internet for ad] DAMNIT. If this ever shows up online I will shit a cow. This sounds like it's easily the greatest piece of advertising ever. David Ogilvy is probably lol-ing in his grave right now, this is so awesome.


The animated Halloween promotion advertisement on the Hell Pizza website shows the three decomposing celebrities emerging from graves and dancing to Michael Jackson's song Thriller.


Oh man. I will literally suck the cock of the man who finds this ad online somewhere. And by 'I', I mean Berbalerbs(hope you like teeth, mystery man!).

TPF Group retail operations manager Glenn Corbett said the company, which owns the Hell Pizza chain, was withdrawing the advertisement but had not meant to offend the Hillary family.
"Clearly he's revered in New Zealand and we all love him," he said. "The idea of Sir Ed being there was intended to be a light-hearted remembrance."

"You see, by having his corpse do the thriller on a grave to sell our pizza, we thought his family would find it hilarious! What's the matter, they don't get jokes?" When you go to Hell Pizza's website, they give you two options, go straight to hell, or sell your soul. Here is the text accompanying the sell your soul bit:

Your soul doesn't do much. You can't feel it. You can't see it. It sucks at making coffee, and when you're buggered after a hard day, it'll never have dinner on the table. So give it to us. Then you can begin your descent into HELL. The deeper you go, the more retribution you'll receive for your measly soul. The retribution could be anything from free morsels of food to exclusive access to random stuff. That all depends on how good you are at being bad. And if you make it right into the darkest depths of HELL, then you'll receive free pizza for life. So sell your soul to us.

I'd like to make it known that I would gladly sell my soul for pizza, and I don't even like pizza. I don't know why they're getting flak when this is pretty clearly the most amazing pizza place on earth. And as it turns out, they're no strangers to controversy. Cuz' ya need a little. Controversy. Cuz' it feels so empty without me.


Last year, complaints forced it to withdraw billboards showing Adolf Hitler clutching a slice of pizza in a Nazi salute.

I don't see the problem with Adolf Hitler trying to convince people that Hell Pizza is delicious. Because if you can't trust Hitler with your dinner decisions, who can you trust?

Haha. No pizza for you. Unless they actually mean Hell hell. Like, there should be something worse than hell for W. In which case, weird. Because like, you're a pizza place, dude. Easy on the politics. On this day.

The Mauf's Political Review

Here's a round-up of all the (barely) political stuff we've been bullshitting about here at the Grand Ole Maufry. 'Cause we figured you ADHD kids who surf the web while you watch TV tonight might want to overload on the following:

Brent Cocklog discusses the National Tragedy that is women's sufferage.

Racism? While a black man is running for president?? Nooooooooooo.

John McCain would like to get Gangsta on your pasty white ass for a moment.

BARACK OBAMA MOTHAFUCKA

John McCain's camp releases news that a new exciting commerical will air and shake things up...I really don't remember such a commerical, but hey.

John McCain + Antiquated references = Pretty much every day for John McCain.

Berbalerbs goes deep into the bowels of the young GOP movement. Like, "German Hardcore Porn" deep.

In closing,

Kenny the Differently-Abled Liger On: A Case of Totalitarianism on America's Day of Democracy

The Gallimaufry is pleased to introduce you to their newest guest-blogger, Kenny the Differently-Abled Liger. Kenny is among other things, a philosopher, a movie critic, an avid MLB and NFL fan, a retarded man-made abomination of nature, a cook, and a self described "differently abled liger-about town." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kenny.
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMY NAME IS KENNY AND I LIKE THE BLUE SKY AND MY FUR SMELLS REAL NICE AFTER I GET A BATH!!!!!!!!!!!

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHI'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU PEOPLES TODAY ABOUT A RECENT EVENT THAT I PURPORT SERVES AS A STARK REMINDER DAT EVEN IF WE AS A COUNTRY COULD BE HEADING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION ON A MACRO-SCALE, A GRAVE AMOUNT OF INJUSTICE STILL EXISTS IN THE NATIONAL MICROCOSMS OF SMALLTOWN AMERICA, PARTICULARLY NORTHAMPTON PENNSYLVANIA.

Poops self.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRECENTLY A NORTHAMPTON HIGH SCHOOL STUDINT WHO WILL GO UNNAMED (I DON'T WANNA GET BRYAN SCHNELLER IN NO MORE TROUBLE DAN HE ARREADY IS) DECIDED TO AMUSE HIS COMPATRIOTS WITH A SNIPPET OF CLEVER YET HARMLESS SATIRE ORIGINATING FROM A LETTER SENT FROM DA SOUP OR INTENDENT OF DA SCHOOLS.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYOU MIGHT THINK DAT IT SOUNDS PRIDDY BAD, BUT HE JUST TOOK OUT SUMPN' IN DA LETTER AND REPLACED IT WIT THE WORDS "POOPY HANDS"



AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAPOOPYHANDSAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAPOOPYHANDSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAPOOPYHANDSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAPOOPYHANDSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHALLWORKANDNOPLAYMAKESJACKADULLBOYAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAPOOPYHANDS. GET IT? POOP?

I POOP SOMETIMES.

SO THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN HE SHOWS IT TO FRIEN AN THE FRIEN MAKES COPIES OF IT CUZ IT'S FUNNY CAUSE POOOOOOOOOOOOP!!! HAHA GET IT? POOP? SO THEY MAKES COPIES OF IT AND THE DECEMINATION OF SAID UNNAMED STUDINT'S SATIRICAL WORK GAVE CAUSE FOR WORRY FROM BRYAN THE UNNAMED STUDINT.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSOOOOOOO HE WENTED TO DA PRINCE IPPLE'S OFFICE AND ALERTED THEM TO THE ACTIONS THAT TRANSPIRED WHICH WERE BEYOND HIS REALM OF CONTROL.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAND DA PRINCE IPPLE'S DINNINT CARE OR NOTHIN!!! THEY PROBLY THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY TOO. POOP.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEVEN ONE OF DA TEACHERSES USED IT TO SHOW DA KIDDIES WHAT A PROPER LITERARY EXAMPLE OF THE SATIRIC FORM WAS, THUS INCORPORATING YOUNG UNNAMED BRYAN'S PIECE INTO A HIGH SCHOOL CIRRICULUUM. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENT BRYAN SCHNELLER OF UNNAMED STUDINT NOTERIETY. I BET YOU SOUP OR INTENDENT OF SCHOOLS NEVER HAD NOTHIN IN NO CIRRICULUUMS.

Rolls around in aforementioned poop

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEVERY'TIN SEEMED REAL NICE FOR BRYAN WHEN HE COMED HOME FOR DA WEEKEND.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHBUT EVERY'TIN WASN'T REAL NICE WHEN THA UNNAMED STUDINT COMED IN TO SCHOOL FOR CLASS ON THE MONDAY THAT CAME AFTER THE SUNDAY THAT CAME AFTER THE SATURDAY THAT CAME AFTER THE FRIDAY WHEN HE WROTED THE POOPY HANDS THINGY.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHDA SOUP OR INTENDO OF SCHOOLS WAS THERE WAITN FOR HIM. I DUNNO WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE BUT I BET ITS LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!
YA KNOW WHY CUZ HOW I KNOW? CUZ UGLY PEOPLE ARE GENERALLY MISERABLE. CUZ IT'S CUZ THEIR UGLY, THATS WHY.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSO DA UGLY MAN-LADY SOUP OR NINTENDO (I CHOOSE NINTENDO HAHAHAHAPOOP) SAYS "HEY UNNAMED STUDINT, YOU GOTTA GO HOME FOR SUSPENSION!" AND BRYAN THE UNNAMED STUDINT IS ALL LIKE "NAH UH!!!" AN SHE WAS LIKE "YAH HUH!" AND HE WAS LIKE "NAH UH" AND SHE WAS LIKE

Reenacts the fist fight that presumably happened between student and superintendent with Playmobil Toys.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAND SO HE GOTTED SUSPENSIONED. FOR 5 DAYS!

FOR CHANGING "FLU" TO "POOPY HANDS" ON SOME LETTER.

WHICH DINNINT INSULT NOBODY OR NOTHIN.

THAT HE DINNINT MAKE NO COPIES OF EXCEPT FOR THE FIRST ONE THAT WAS HIS.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHI FIND IT PERTINENT TO MENTION THAT ANUDDER STUDENT AT NO-NAME SCHNELLER'S SCHOOL PULLED A FIREARM OUT IN A CLASSROOM AND HELDED UP ONE OF HIS TEACHERS AT GUNPOINT. DAT STUDINT GOTTED 10 DAYS SUSPENSION. AND THEN WAS LETTED BACK INTO DA SCHOOL. AND GRADUATED. AND WASN'T ARRESTED.

THUS EQUATING "POOPY HANDS" TO HALF AS BAD AS ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON.

AND I'M DA RETARDET ONE.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUGLY FUGLY 1 2 THRUGLY SAID DAT MAYBE SOME PEOPLES WOULD THINK DAT IT WAS HER DAT WROTED THE "POOPY HANDS" LETTER AND THATS WHY SHE SUSPENSIONED HIM. BUT IT'S BEEN MY EXPERIENCE THAT UGLY PEOPLES AREN'T FUNNY NEETHER SO I DON'T THINK SHE GOT TO WORRY.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIN A SHOW OF SOLIDARITY AND AS A PREFERABLE OPTION TO ACTUALLY DOIN SOMETHIN, BRYAN'S FRIENS MADE A PAGE IN THE BOOK OF FACES. GO THERE AND TELL DEM KENNY THE DIFFERENTLY-ABLED LIGER TOLDED YOU TO DO IT!!!!!!!

POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!

Status Update: Wayne Forrester is thinking that was maybe a kneejerk reaction. Anyone got any bleach?

Continuing with the theme of people being hacked to death by loved ones, here's a little tale of another romance gone sour. With a tip of the hat to the editor of this fine site for the scoop, we are. off!

A husband who hacked his wife to death with a meat cleaver in fury over her Facebook entry was jailed for a minimum of 14 years at the Old Bailey today.

It's weird to think about married people using facebook. I mean, it shouldn't be (I'll be married in less than 12 months and use it), but it just seems like something we associate with a sort of juvenile crowd, that like married people would be beyond that or more grown up than that or something. I'm afraid of what it says about me that that was the aspect of the story that jumped out first, rather than the murder-by-meat cleaver.

Wayne Forrester, 34, drank alcohol and took cocaine before driving 15 miles to the family home to attack wife Emma as she lay in bed.

Likewise the thought of being 34 and using facebook. At some point I hope I'm going to delete my facebook account. Or at least edit all the dick jokes and swear words out of it so my kid doesn't know what a stupid shit I actually am. Anyway I at least hope that I'm not so into facebook at that point that I would murder someone over something facebook related. I guess I should mention I hope that I don't murder anyone for any reason, least of all something facebook related. Whatever. We're getting off track here. Ok so. High on cocaine and hammered. Sounds like a recipe for... murder.

The couple had separated four days before the murder in February and Forrester later told police he had been provoked by his wife changing her marital status to "single" on her Facebook entry, the court heard.

That's what's passing for an epic burn these days? Sad. She could have at least updated her status to like "Emma Forrester is... glad she's separated from her no good pinky-dick probably a pedophile husband." But Jesus, "She changed her status to single?!?!?! That whore. I'm going to kill her - literally!"

Emma was found in a pool of blood after neighbours were woken at 6.30am by her screams. Near her body was a large kitchen knife and in another room a blood-soaked meat cleaver.

At some point someone is going to find a word other than pool to describe the blood surrounding a dead body. Or at least I hope they'll get more specific. "She was found in an Olympic sized pool of blood with a 3 foot shallow end and a deep end about ten feet deep, perfect for water polo." "She was found in an inflatable kiddie pool sized pool of blood, perfect for wading in during summer heat with a beverage of a cold and refreshing nature."

Jailing him for life, the Common Serjeant of London Brian Barker QC said: "Your wife ended the relationship. Your reaction was one of anger and resentment. "
"There is no possible excuse or justification. "
"This is a tragic killing of a young woman and what you have done has called untold anguish."

He then went on to add "Water is wet. The sky is blue. Grass is green. Does this shirt make me look fat?"

Ms Lewis [the prosecutor] said: "He was angry about an entry on Facebook he said made him look like a fool as she had advertised her marital status as single. He accused her of having an affair."

One time someone wrote on my wall, calling me a shitfuck, but you don't see me going around murdering him all over the place. I mean, I love the guy but dad knock it off with the names.

Forrester drove to Croydon armed with the knife and meat cleaver and forced the front door open. After neighbours called 999 he emerged from the house covered in blood and holding a carton of juice.

KILLING MAKE ME THIRSTY. THIRSTY FOR FIVE-ALIVE!

When the police arrived he held his arms out for handcuffs and told them: "Who called you? My wife is in there. I killed her."

Because they wouldn't have been clear on that what with you being covered in blood and juice and your fingerprints all over the murder weapon and victim. Also why would he ask who called? Like was he pissed? "Who called you!? They're next! Or not, you know, if I go to jail for this, which I will. Just curious really, who was it?"

In an impact statement the victim's sister Eliza Rothery said the family had been devastated by the murder.

Eliza then added, "Water is wet, and while I appreciate the defense pointing out that black is a very slimming color on me, I like to wear it most days, not on days specifically when I'm attending a wake for my sister"

Peter Dahlsen, defending, said Forrester felt "a deeply held remorse".

"If only I hadn't gotten an email notification that Johnny tagged me in that photo of us getting totally blotto, I would never have logged into facebook and this whole crisis could have been averted and right now I'd be updating my status thusly: 'Wayne Forrester is...Happily reuniting with his not-dead wife Emma.' And then there would be a little happy face emoticon. But for the foreseeable future all my emoticons are :( "

I Can't Stand To Think About You With Another Man, Hacked To Bits On the Side of the Road? That Works.

In my ever-growing efforts to write the longest post title in the history of earth, I bring you this little story. A story of a man in love. A man so in love that when his love left him he cut the shit out of her with a machete. A man so in love that he hacked her to bits with a machete and then cut his own dick off and then bled to death... wait what?

A man in Abia State who murdered his ex-lover and thereafter severed his own manhood explained before he died that he killed the woman and inflicted mortal wounds on himself because he couldn’t live with the thought of his woman having a romance with another man. He was also said to have told security operatives that he cut off his own male organ to prevent him from sleeping with any other woman.

There's an almost romantic and like, honorable feeling that rises when reading this. I guess the emphasis here should remain on almost. Like, holy shit he must have loved her something fierce. Of course on the other hand he would prefer to murder her with a machete and see her mutilated body on a roadside rather than see her with another man. So it's maybe a little skewed, in terms of his moral compass.

Goddy , a farmer residing in Onuiyagh Community in Bende Local Government Area of Abia State was said to have, in a fit of jealousy, murdered Agnes, his two-year live-in-lover after allegedly seeing her with her new lover. He was said to have subsequently cut off his own manhood and placed it on the lover’s corpse.

Imagine being the guy who stumbles upon this, "Umm hello, 911 (or Abian equivalent)? I found a dead body. It's a woman. But umm.... there's also a dick. Not not like a shemale. Like there's just a dick. Like on her head. No not like a circus sideshow thing. Like someone cut their dick off and left it on her head... Yes I'll hold." Also I love how they say he "placed it on the lover's corpse." It makes it sound like it was this quiet, gentle little ceremony or something. I guess anything to remove the image of a guy bleeding from the hole where his cock used to reside.

"Now, you cannot have sex and I cannot have sex. We were meant for each other and you decided to leave me I cannot afford to see you have sex with another man and I don’t want to have sex with another woman," the man reportedly told the lifeless Agnes. After hacking the woman to death on a farm road, Goddy was said to have rushed to Bende Police Station to report himself. He was said to have bled to death shortly after showing up at the station.

This is my favorite part of this story. So he went to the police station, bleeding profusely from the cock-hole, and ... they didn't do anything? Like had he lost too much blood at this point already or did he just have to sit around the police station too long for anyone to be of any help or what? Wouldn't one's first reaction be to get the man bleeding from nubbin some medical attention? And also - who talks to a corpse? Cray-zeee!

Eyewitnesses told Daily Sun that Goddy had been living with Agnes for some years before disagreement set in between the two love birds. Goddy had on the fateful day waylaid Agnes on the farm road and dealt several matchet blows on her which led to her instant death. [sic?!?!]

I'm not sure how several 'matchet' blows can lead to instant death, but whatever - I just like that they're referred to as love birds here. Anyway, end of story and all that right? Can't really get weirder. Right?

According to Chimezie, Goddy was keeping another woman simply called Mrs Ojiegbe , who he had earlier allegedly snatched from her husband from a neigbouring community. Said Chimezie: "At first, the three lovebirds were living together, having sex together and the two women were receiving favours from Goddy without complaints. Suddenly, there was a downturn in the fortunes of Goddy who could no longer satisfy the two women. This led to regular quarrels between the two women as who should have upper hand in bed and material gifts from their lover. However, Mrs. Ojiegbe who appeared stronger and bigger was always beating up Agnes who as a result, decided to go out instead of being beaten by Ojiegbe everyday.

... I ... but... The thing is... So to recap: Man has two ladies. One of whom he has stolen from some other guy. Happiness. New broad starts beating up old broad. Old Broad leaves. Man kills old broad. Man cuts off own penis. Man reports this all to police station, bleeds to death. Ok... I can't imagine this man's estate has been doing anything else besides fielding phone calls about obtaining the movie rights to their story. I can see it be animated. Maybe Pixar?

"The development did not go down well with Goddy who was already used to sleeping with the two women every night. He begged her to come back and she refused. He threatened her and she remained undaunted. He then promised to teach her a lesson she would never forget." Meanwhile, Mrs. Ojiegbe is said to be on the run for fear of being arrested by the police.Two years ago, a young man named Chinedu who lived in Bende Road in Umuahia reportedly also chopped off his own manhood after his involvement in a failed money making rituals. His alleged defence then was that a voice had told him to sever his organ as it was leading him into temptation.

How brutally murdering her a lesson she'll never forget? Like after she's dead she'll come home and apologize? And even if the zombie Mrs. comes home and asks forgiveness, You're dickless and she probably stinks something awful.

My New Hero.

My new hero has a name. He has a new name. His name is Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined.

The record-breaking name, now thought to be the world's longest, was the idea of music graduate George Garratt, 19.

WRONG! It was the idea of Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined. Get it right or pay the price.

I don't have much to add, there's not much substance, the guy just changed his name. But I guess the lesson here is that if you're going to change your name, make sure it's to something insanely bad assed.