Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Oh it is SO ON. Part 3

Part 1.

Part 2.

"The List."

Well, we've made it this far, boys and girls. We've gone through 5 big steaming piles of dumb, and we've got 5 more to go. And, whooooo boy, if you thought #10 thru #6 were nonsensical, baseless and generally stupid, buckle up. Cuz the next 3 songs are by rappers on MTV's GREATEST MCs OF ALL TIME LIST. (And yea I know it's MTV, but check out the list. I pretty much agree other than one or two randoms.)

5. “Lose Yourself” – Eminem

Ok, maybe you didn't like 8 Mile? I mean, the concept was a little stupid, let's get Eminem to play Eminem in a movie about the life of Eminem, but I personally thought it was pulled off fairly well and
8 Mile was a pretty good movie,
Oh. Um. Then why the fuck would you put this on the list?
we all know that this song caused the end of Eminem.
Oh, friend. You have to know deep down that you have no clue what you are speaking of, and that generally when bullshitting your way through something, using the phrase "we all know" is going to piss someone off. Because when you say that you take on the position of speaking "for all of us." You, sir, do NOT. I repeat NOT speak for me.
Everything he did after this was complete sentimental bulls**t.
This was the next single Marshall Mathers released after "Lose Yourself"

Wow, that is pretty sentimental there! You fucking twit.
If it wasn’t for the popularity of this song, he probably would have never attempted more hip-pop ballads such as "Like Toy Soldiers" and "When I'm Gone."
Really? Because on "The Eminem Show" (the album he released before "Lose Yourself" was released) he had "ballads" such as "Hailie's Song" and "Sing For the Moment" where he fucking rapped over a pre-existing Aerosmith ballad.

So I'm going to go ahead and say yes, Eminem probably would have attempted to make more "hip-pop" (that's adorable by the way) ballads even if "Lose Yourself" never happened because he had been doing it already and having success with it and oh my God why the hell did you write this list?
Marshall was never the same MC after the release of this song.
You're soooooo totes right, Dustin! He was never the same MC again, in the fact that the only CD he's released since then, "Encore," was pretty sub-par (but only relative to his other albums). He then took a hiatus to go be with his family, and has a new CD coming out this year. So you can go ahead and stop talking about him like he's dead.

Oh, and

If you're insinuating that hip hop lives and dies with Eminem, let me say from one white boy to another white boy: fuck off, white boy.

4. "Big Pimpin’" - Jay-Z

You'll now see the graceful, timeless dance of the writer who knows he's about to piss off his entire readership by saying some punk ass buster shit. First, he machine guns a list of reasons why this song has no earthly business being considered for this list, let alone on this list, let a-FUCKING-lone higher on this list than "Ice, Ice, Baby."
I understand that this song is the straight up jizzy jam
You just said jizzy jam. Kill yourself.
and [it] helped push the underground Houston legends UGK into the mainstream
Ah yes, because we all know that every time hip hop artists who've remained underground to retain their integrity are rewarded with a little fame and fortune and manage to maintain that integrity, hip hop dies a little.

Now that the writer has prefaced his argument with the fact that his argument is poor, he makes his argument.
but this track was one of the biggest reasons why hip-hop turned pop in the in the early 2000s.

I can't---


I just tried to eat my own face.


This is an amazing track. The production is fucking amazing. The lyrics are off the "hizzy hook" (see, I can make up terrible sounding slang words too!). The video is visually beautiful. Everything about this song is awesome. That's why it was popular. I'm assuming you didn't mean "pop" as in "popular," though. I'm assuming you meant "pop" as sugary, soft, pre-packaged and artificial. Read my...um...typing:

I do realize the roots of hip-hop came from upbeat party raps,
You clearly do not, sir.
but this song helped open the doors for a slew of untalented hacks trying to make some loot through the TRL pipeline.
Ya know what? You are completely right. It's totally this fuckin' song's fault that "Walk it Out" ended up on MTV. It's also "Smells Like Teen Spirit"'s fault for Nickelback. And I blame Aretha Franklin's rendition of "Respect" for Amy Winehouse. I also blame "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by the Police for 9/11, because like Mr. Sussman I'm a complete shithead.

Oh wait. I'm not. Just him.

3. "Mo Money Mo Problems" - The Notorious B.I.G.

The ghost of Biggie Smalls is so going to fuck your world up for this one.
I do love this song,
WHAT THE FUCK WAS YOUR CRITERIA FOR THIS LIST?!?!?!?!? "Well it's not that the song's bad, and I don't think it directly "killed" hip hop, but there's one part of it that I kinda sorta don't like so ok it's on the list."
but when Biggie passed away in 1997, Puff Daddy basically thought he had a free pass to do whatever he wanted just as long as he added “Biggie is the greatest of all time” at the end of every sentence.
And? You do realize that Puffy was the one to discover Biggie, and produced both of Biggie's albums, and that we might not know who Christopher Wallace is without Sean "Puffy" Combs, right? I'm not saying I love the dude, and I'm definitely not saying he can rap, but I think he gets a bit too much shit. "Oh how DARE he continue his career after the death of his friend?!? Everyone knows the proper thing to do is to vanish into obscurity and run an Alpaca farm!"
When I fist saw the video for “Mo Money” my jaw pretty much dropped off.
It would've been more useful for me if your hands had fallen off. Then I wouldn't have to generate roughly 800,000,000 words about how terrible of an internet list-maker you are. I have things to do, Dustin!
It was the complete opposite of anything Biggie had done in the past...It was bright, candy-coated and extravagant on a whole new level.
Yep, Biggie had never done any over-the-top extravagant videos. Ever. Except, maybe the one released immediately before this one, for "Hypnotize." Biggie is alive and well in that video, not edited in, so we can assume he was aware of his surroundings (unless they kept him on animal tranquilizers or something). In this video, there are mermaids swimming in the walls of Biggie's home. There are ridiculous backwards car chases (while rapping!). Biggie and Puff have matching suits. At one point Biggie is wearing a silk shirt that defies explanation it's so over-the-top. So again, Dustin, you are the opposite of correct. Oh and if you're wondering why I've stopped including his lame arguments as to how these songs "killed" hip hop, it's because he's stopped including them. You can tell that he really didn't have any idea on how to approach this list until the last 2, where we finally (sorta) get some worthwhile...nevermind, it all sucks.

2. Any Song Featuring Auto-Tune Vocals

His first valid choice. And he manages to fuck it up.

"Any Song Featuring Aut-Tune Vocals?" Any of 'em? Well then maybe PICK ONE. Really. Almost every single one of these choices have been "the start of a slippery slope," and the one time, the one fucking time you would've been accurate in saying that, you don't pick a song.

"SONG X helped 'kill' hip hop because after ARTIST X released that track, everyone and their mamas started using Auto-Tuner, which basically masks your actual voice to make it sound like you can sorta carry a tune maybe and pretty much made 90% of popular hip hop tracks sound like utter and complete garbage."

But no. So ok maybe he just doesn't know who made it popular so he couldn't
Since 2005, Florida native T-Pain has been throwing out an endless string of hollow hip-hop hits

1. "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" - Soulja Boy Tell 'Em

Oh dangit. I had my money on "I Get Around" by Tupac for the fact that it "opened the door" to shitcakes like Soulja Boy.

Mr. Sussman, a suggestion: if you are going to write a top 10 list and cannot come up with any actual ideas after #2, you might want to consider a different theme for the list. Also: God you suck, dude.

Some of you might say that criticizing the writing of an Internet Top 10 List Writer is like pistol-whipping a blind kid...

You should know that I fucking love pistol-whipping blind children.

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