Thursday, April 10, 2008

Oh, You Play Guitar? I'm Pretty Awesome on the Beamz Laser. We Should Jam

So there's a musical product coming out soon that I simply do not understand. Say hello to the Beamz Laser Music System.

I'm not even sure the point of this thing, aside from maybe making someone with little to no musical talent look like a complete jackass. Here is what Sharper Image says it "does" or whatever.

-Amazing laser-based invention lets music-lovers be musicians — regardless of talent or training!
Breaking the laser beams with your hands automatically generates pre-authored pulses, streams, riffs or loops of musical notes or sounds from hundreds of different instruments — strings, keyboards, woodwinds, brass, percussion, even cow bell.
-Choose a complementary rhythm track from 30 original songs in 19 music genres, including jazz, bluegrass, classical, hip-hop, reggae, heavy metal and more. Or create your own track!
-The beamz system has a "W" shape, with six laser beams spanning the two sections; connect via USB to your PC or laptop, then hook up some speakers and you're ready to play, perform or create great music.
With the beamz, there should be no performance anxiety at all because — whichever beam you break, in whatever sequence — your music is guaranteed to be harmonious. All discordant chords and sour notes have been programmed out so everyone plays great.
-All your original creations and performances can be recorded for playback and sharing.
-Includes software CDs and USB cable for connecting directly to USB port.

So you basically wave your hand through some lasers and the thing plays music for you, is all I really can surmise from all of this. Here is their PR video.

my favorite is Quiet Reverie

See what I mean about looking like a jackass? I'd also like to point out that this costs 600 dollars. I will make you look like a jackass for free, if that's what you want. Or 300 dollars if you feel you should pay something. Head over to Gizmodo where they already tore apart the video, and in exchange for ripping it a new anus, were offered to try the product for a review. and be sure to stay tuned for my next post, where I tear apart the iphone! (get it, because then they'd send me one, and the iphone is the thing people say they want when people ask them what is a thing they would want, so that was why I made that joke)


  1. I totally didn't reach the bottom of the post to see the tags and I was going to ask if that was Matt Pinfield on the quiet reverie. He kind of sucks at playing that thing. Also, in the video they leave out the part about how you can play it with your dong. You can.

  2. It makes every musical sound [that can be found on a Casiotone keyboard]!

  3. To be fair, is there any musical instrument you can't play with your dong? I have yet to find one.

  4. playing the trumpet with my dong, i mean. not saying trumpet. you just proved that was no challenge at all....Or was it?

  5. It was! I'm saying you, specifically, are not able to play trumpet with your penis.

  6. It was not. A challenge. For me to say "the trumpet."

  7. I like how it says "even cowbell," because we all know that's still hilarious.

  8. we're going to have to discuss a little what exactly "playing" means. do i just need to make sounds, or do you need to hear a song played like, well and stuff. And does it count for at least like partial credit if i use my dong to help someone else play the trumpet? like use it as a mute or something?

  9. And when Brandon and I met Matt Pinfield in McDonald's that one time, he was really high and really pissed off at MTV. Still. And had just pounded a large number of burgers.

  10. I'm going to go with the bowed saw in regards to instruments not able to be played with one's dong. And I'm talking about bowing the saw with your dong, not bowing your dong, because THAT can be done. Quite wonderfully.