Hairy Palms, Blindness...Cures Cancer!

Now when you're locked in the bathroom and your mom is knocking on the bathroom door and you're pleading for another minute. You can tell her honestly that what you're actually trying to do in there is: stave off cancer.

"Men could reduce their risk of developing prostate cancer through regular masturbation, researchers suggest.

They say cancer-causing chemicals could build up in the prostate if men do not ejaculate regularly.

And they say sexual intercourse may not have the same protective effect because of the possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted infection, which could increase men's cancer risk."

Now, I'd sort of like for them to have at least put up pictures and maybe dating history of these "scientists" and "researchers". I mean come on. Sounds more than a little suspicious, no? Like some nerd trying to exact his revenge? Sure, masturbation wards off cancer, but intercourse not so much. That explains why you haven't tried the latter in your like, 45 years of life. "Hey all you sex-having jocks, enjoy your prostate cancer." Well, the jokes on you, nerdlinger! You can do both!

"They found those who had ejaculated the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to develop the cancer.

The protective effect was greatest while the men were in their 20s.

Men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life"

Well, there you have it. Now you have a quota to meet to help keep the cancer away. It unfortunately makes no mention on the either positive or negative effects of say... tripling that weekly quota. Maybe it's time for another study. Or maybe have a Handjobs for Cancer-type event.