Remebering What It's Like

Collectibles today asks if we remember what it's like to have an eight year old around...

Since I've never had an eight year old around, I can only surmise that having an eight year old is like having a constant boner that you want to put inside an ugly-faced little doll.

Please meet Hannah:

"Best of all, Hannah is constructed and weighted so you can pose her almost any way you can think of! "

You better damn well believe I'm going to put that guarantee to the test!

best 200 bones you'll ever spend (get it - bones?!. ugh. I'll show myself out, thanks)

Special thanks to Kwame for the link, but no thanks for the problem with my pants being all boner-y. So it's a wash really.

You Are The Devil

Seriously, this might be the creepiest show on television. It's part live action, part puppetry, part CGI, and all fucking weird.

Here's the description of the premise:

"The main character is Stephanie (Julianna Rose Mauriello), who arrives in town and urges her new friends Ziggy, Trixie, Stingy, and Pixel to go outside and be active, instead of staying inside and playing video games all day. Her uncle, the bumbling Mayor Milford Meanswell, enlists the help of Sportacus 10 (Magnús Scheving), a self-described "slightly-above-average hero". It is Sportacus' job to inspire the kids to play outside, and to help solve low-key emergencies that occur from time to time. However, all this does not sit well with Robbie Rotten (Stefán Karl Stefánsson), a lazy man who lives in an underground lair hidden just on the edge of town. Many of the episodes involve Robbie Rotten dressing up in a disguise and trying to ruin the kids' fun and/or make Sportacus leave town forever."

Are you there Iceland? It's me, pemulis. While I appreciate your country and am thankful for both Sigur Ros and Bjork, please stop. This show is insane, and with awesome bands in your country, I'm not sure I understand your decision to have Ace of Base score the show.

To wit, here is the main song from your show:



And this is the video for the Sigur Ros song Glosili



See the difference? Come on now. Tell me how music like that wouldn't work in the show? It builds so slowly and beautifully towards its epic climax ... it's like making love whlie listening to a gay alien sing in gibberish.

And here's the real kicker. Robbie Rotten is lazy, hence he hates all the kids playing outside and all that. OK, fine. I get that. But so my first inkling is to think: Ok asshole, why don't you just move? Oh, because you're so lazy? well then why would you go to such extravagant lengths to ruin some one's game of pirates?




And Sportacus, guess what. If someone believes you when you refer to fruits and vegetables as "sports candy", they're fucking idiots.

EDIT: I just watched that video of the pirate song again because I'm a masochist and a stupid bastard. Anyway, if you do watch it, please note the way Robbie looks at Stephanie all molester-y after he sings the line about "precious booty:"

Call it Fate, Call it Karma...

We may be hearing this soon:

Hi, this is Larry King. The phone-in topic Today: "Ghosts and Ghostbusting." The controversy builds, more sightings are reported, some maintain that these professional paranormal eliminators in New York are the cause of it all.

All because of the Brooklyn Ghost Investigators.

One time one of them video taped something that looked like lights playing together. Knowing this meant he had some serious ESP, Sal Cicconi decided to hone his ghost busting skills with some friends. How, you might ask? That's right, watching television programs about ghosts!

For 20$/Hour these Brooklynites will come to your place and make the ghosts disappear. If you don't have cash, they are also accepting Pabst Blue Ribbon, blazers with t-shirts, pseudo intellectual conversations about all things meta and shit bro., gift cards to the apple store, tight jeans, and anything vintage.

But whatever, like I said, I'm so over the Ghostbusters.

You're Breaking My Heart

Robert Irvine is breaking my heart.

So apparently he lied a little about his resume. Not actually a knight? Hey, neither am I. Didn't actually serve the president food? Well, who cares. Normally I would probably be a little more upset, but it's kind of like, he's already proven himself, so what difference does it make? Have you ever seen Dinner: Impossible? It's amazing. I dare Sir Lancelot or Sir Elton John to try doing that shit. Saucy, rude, vile little pig. Didn't think so. Oh, I'm sorry, didn't realize that I can't serve 500 people with no ovens unless I meant it when I said I worked on Princess Di's wedding cake. Oh, what's that? I just did?

There's also accusations that he's kind of a dick. I mean, dude is a jacked Brit who's whole show is him yelling at people to get shit done. How does the idea that he may be a prick surprise anyone? Here's my favorite bit from the article:

"At Salt Rock Grill in Indian Rocks, Irvine ordered oysters and asked for a mignonette sauce. When the waiter couldn't produce it, Irvine ordered the ingredients brought to the table, and prepared the sauce himself. "

Guess what, that is fucking.bad.assed. I don't care who you are, that is serious mother-humping pwnage.

Also, he seems to have been vouched for by everyone else on the Food Network on various shows. He did Iron Chef America where he and Tyler Florence faced off against Paula Deen and Giada. And Guy Fieri came on his show and did a competition with him. He never seemed like anything but a 'roided up gentleman.

Ok, here's where I put on my best gay face, start bawling, get on my bed, and shout "LEAVE ROBERT IRVINE ALONE!!!!"

Also, why does this all seem so familiar? Hmmmm.....

For Killian: Burger Time!

That's What You Get

via Gizmodo

So a guy getting on a plane tries to download a few episodes of Friends, the downloads get interrupted when the plane takes off, then continue when the plane lands. He then gets a phone bill from Vodaphone (whatever that is! right?) for $22,000. Seems like the cause of the charge was going out of network - downloading while not in Germany. But I think the bigger lesson is that spending money on something douchey will always carry an asshole tax. Sorry guy, that's what you get for being a dude and wanting to watch Friends. No, scratch that, that's what you get for being a human being and wanting to watch Friends. Seriously, who likes that show? Assholes, that's who.

Quick Question

HORSESHIT

So I was just thinking.  You know in Ghostbusters, how Louis Tully is a complete cheapskate?  Here, remember this exchange at his party?

Woman at Party: [coming up to Louis during party] Do you have any Excedrin or extra-strength Tylenol?
Louis: [opening cabinet] Gee, I think all I got is acetylsalicylic acid, generic. See, I can get six hundred tablets of that for the same price as three hundred of a name brand. That makes good financial sense, good advice...
[takes platter back into living room]
Louis: Hey, this is real smoked salmon from Nova Scotia, Canada, $24.95 a pound! It only cost me $14.12 after tax, though.
[walks up to a hapless guest, speaking confidentially]
Louis: I'm givin' this whole thing as a promotional expense, that's why I invited clients instead of friends. You havin' a good time, Mark?
[heads across the room, greeting other guests]
Louis: How you doing? Why don't you have some of the brie, it's at room temperature!
[to the Tall Woman]
Louis: You think it's too warm in here for the brie?
Tall Woman at Party: [standing] Louis, I'm going home.
Louis: Aw, don't leave yet. Well, listen, maybe if we start dancing other people will join in!
Tall Woman at Party: [pauses] Okay!
[Louis and the Tall Woman begin disco dancing. Suddenly the doorbell rings]
Louis: Oh, don't move, I just gotta get the door.
[opens door, greeting guests]
Louis: Ted! Annette! I'm glad you could come, how you doin', give me your coats. Everybody, this is Ted and Annette Fleming! Ted has a small carpet cleaning business in receivership; Annette's drawing a salary from a deferred bonus from two years ago! They got fifteen thousand left on the house at eight percent.
[throws the guests' coats in the closet, oblivious that they hit the Terror Dog hiding there]
Louis: So they're okay! So, does anybody wanna play Parcheesi?
[the Terror Dog growls from inside the bedroom]
Louis: [grinning] Okay, who brought the dog?

Ok fine.  Here's what I don't get.  The apartment building he shares with Dana Barrett is on Central Park West, like right around the lincoln center/columbus circle area.  Or maybe up by the Museum of Natural History.  Whatever, the fucking Upper West Side, in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Manhattan.  My question is: How much is Louis paying in rent?  If he didn't stumble into a somehow rent controlled place, he'd have to be paying an arm and a leg for an apartment like his.  Completely unlike him.  I call bullshit.  I used to love Ghostbusters. Now I fucking hate it.