Friday, May 2, 2008


...of being too fat.

-A Long Island music shop owner accused of selling knockoff Gibson Les Paul guitars has been arraigned in a pickup truck in a courthouse parking lot after his lawyer said the 500-pound defendant couldn't walk into the courthouse.
-State Supreme Court Justice Robert Doyle said the man's "severe weight problem" prompted the unusual proceeding Thursday in Riverhead.
-A defense lawyer also had given the court a doctor's letter saying the defendant suffers from osteoarthritis.
-The shopkeeper has been released without bail after pleading not guilty to trademark counterfeiting and criminal simulation. He says the case and health problems have forced him to close his store.
-He's accused of selling bogus Gibsons for $1,500 to buyers who thought they were far more valuable genuine versions of the classic electric guitar.

Now in case you are wondering what osteoarthritis is, here's a link. It's essentially arthritis brought on by being too fat. I have no idea why that sentence was included in the article. It's like "They had to hold court in the parking lot because the guy is so fat. His lawyer also had a doctor's note stating that he had health problems due to being so fat." I don't really get the point of mentioning that. You'd think it would be pretty safe to assume the guy is going to have issues stemming from his weight problem if he is too fat to enter the fucking courthouse. I also love that "the case" and health problems have caused him to close the store. I understand though, when I get stressed out by my trademark counterfeiting crimes, I make myself feel better with ice cream and pizza. Then I have someone fork-lift me onto my truck and head out for a hot date, instead of opening up my music store.

Anyway, I wonder what it looked like, and if people came by and heckled. Or if the judge hit something with his gavel - like a car or if he stayed in robe. Did they have little podium and everything or did they just like, stand around in the parking lot? I also imagine the scene with the music shop owner laying supine, mouth agape complaining about his osteoarthritis and having to wash himself with a rag on a stick.

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