...Hey, hey Carlos. That pitch looks juicy, no? Who do you think you're kidding with that .839 OPS? Sa-wing battah! Swing ya little bitch! These New York fans will never love you. Your .266 batting average- pathetic! You think Vinnie Boombots from Brooklyn ovah heah knows that your on base percentage is over a hundred points higher than your average? No. They know you put up a big fat donut hole last night, chumpette.
...Hey, you should put high-lights in your hair. No. No! They won't make you look gay. I don't care about Mike Piazza, you're not him, are you? Nooooo no, no one's going to make switch hitter jokes. I know you are a switch hitter. But no, they won't make the jokes. Have you ever once seen a clever sign at Shea?
...Hey...HEY ASSHOLE! That was a ball! Say something to the ump!
Sometimes, I don't know why I keep you around. All you seem to do is get me into trouble :(
...Hey. Eighteen million a year and you still can't get rid of me. You need me. I make you whole.
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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