Monday, November 9, 2009

Real News Now Getting Ideas from Text from Last Night

Drunk man calls 911 to report pot stolen

I tried really hard to find an appropriate picture of a drunk idiot on the road or something to add to this post, but oddly enough, if you type in "drunk" or "drunk idiot" into google image search, you find largely pictures of scantily clad women. And you also find guys passed out on the floor with lots of hilarious things drawn on them in sharpie. Or covered in gravy mix, apparently:

Anyway, the actual story is pretty much summed up by the title... except of course the guy wasn't at home or something... he was driving.

SALEM, Ore. - Oregon police have charged a man with drunk driving after he called 911 to report his marijuana as stolen but the dispatcher couldn't understand him because he was vomiting while on the road.

Marion County sheriff's deputies say 21-year-old Calvin Hoover, of Salem, told dispatchers early Tuesday that someone had broken into his truck and stolen cash, a jacket and a small amount of marijuana while he was at a tavern in Salem.

He then called 911 again to complain that deputies had not arrived, but the dispatcher had trouble understanding Hoover because he was driving and stopping several times to vomit.

I don't think I've ever had a thought to call the police about anything - luckily I've never had occasion to call the cops for any reason, but holy hell how stupid and/or hammered must you be to do that. I can't even comprehend the state of mind. He called 911 to report his drugs stolen, then called AGAIN when it seemed like they weren't coming in a timely fashion. I also can't imagine having that much knee-jerk reaction to anything gone missing. Also, doesn't the tavern have some kind of responsibility to not let this asshole get in his car? And was he there alone? What 21 year old goes to a bar without several friends and hopefully a DD? Seriously, if I went back in time and saw myself going to bar solo, I would point at myself and laugh. Then the 21 year old me would probably see me, thus creating some kind of time paradox that would make the universe implode.

So if the universe implodes, you'll know why, and you'll know that Calvin Hoover is to blame, for inspiring me to invent the time machine.

1 comment:

  1. kill the fatted calf, for the prodjical blog returns!!!

    (god, it's a good thing i don't have much time to post...i'm a shit awful writer)

    well played, good sir.