Somewhere, A Dan Brown Novel is Brewing.

Now, if you find yourself in a position to commit a crime and you know there is a good chance you will be caught, aside from the obvious idea of maybe not committing the crime, the other less best idea is to have a brilliantly well thought out explanation for whatever it is that you're doing. An even lesserest best idea would be to come up with a story so bats it sounds like the plot of Dan Brown's next book(may he rest in peace).

It wasn't the preferred way to enter the Knoxville Museum of Art, but Richard Anthony Smith told police he was on a mission. The 25-year-old Knoxville man called 911 from his cell phone before dawn Wednesday saying he was trapped in an air conditioning duct leading from the museum roof, Knoxville police spokesman Darrell DeBusk said.

A man on a mission. This man:

Police and firefighters reached the roof, found a rope and cable and followed them to a vent shaft. Peering inside, they spotted Smith about 45 feet down.
"Mission failed," he told them.

Now I'm sure you are sitting there assuming either his mission was to fix their air conditioning or to make his way into the museum to find his roots, hoping to find some ancient tribe of androgynous perv-y looking cavemen or whatever. But no, it's an art museum, dummy, that latter idea doesn't make any sense. The girlish man you see above this text is actually...

Hoisted up and read his rights, Smith told police he was a "special agent from the United States Illuminati, badge number 0931" and had rappelled onto the museum from a helicopter, a police report said.

...retarded. If he had said special agent Dale Cooper, I'd have been on his side, maybe. Also, when he told them his badge number, did he present them with some kind of badge? Or when concocting this plot was he just like, "Well, if I give them a specific badge number, they probably won't even ask to see the badge." Also, this plot was well thought out enough to have you helicoptered in but there was no one other than the police to call to get you out of there? And you'd think someone in the Illuminati would be enlightened enough to work his way out of an air conditioning duct. But so let's just indulge him, because why not. What exactly was your mission, Ace?

He said he was following orders to "defuse and confiscate" a Soviet-made nuclear warhead, specifically a "MERV6SS-22AN" warhead, according to the report. The bomb supposedly was hidden in a blue, plastic cow sculpture in the museum basement, he said.

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Because Knoxville Museum of Arts is in cahoots with the Soviets! You can't just go through regular channels like the police or like a curator or something. And besides, everyone knows there's no basement in the Knoxville Museum of Art!!! I wonder if the temptation is, as the arresting officer, to march this guys stupid ass down to the basement and literally kill the shit out him with a plastic blue cow, or if you just call him an ass clown and arrest his attempted burglarizin' ass. Pop quiz hot shot. There's a bomb in your blue cow. What do you do? What do you do?

However, Smith told officers his "agency" called while he was in air-vent limbo to say it made a mistake and the bomb might be in a Memphis museum instead.

What's funny is that when his agency called while he was in air-vent limbo (?) is that there's no explanation as to why he wouldn't have been like "Oh hai! btw I can has halp to gets outta hair vent?! K Thx Bai." And yes, the Illuminati invented Lolspeak, and is run by ceiling cat. Was there ever any doubt?

Police charged Smith with aggravated robbery. He was being held on $2,000 bond at the Knox County Jail. Authorities said he did not have a lawyer.

Smith then went on to say the whole agent thing was just a cover story. In truth he'd been having a helluva hard time getting tickets to Mary Lee Bendolph's Gee’s Bend Quilts and Beyond Exhibit and figured the only way he'd ever see it was to break in. Because like who doesn't fucking love quilts?