If You're Going to Get Robbed In Uganda, You Might As Well Get Laid First

If you're anything like me, you've spent plenty of time on the continent of Africa, having sex with strange women. And so if you're anything like me, you've woken up several times in landlocked countries in Africa, completely naked, wondering where all your possessions are. Well guess what, chump. You got knocked the fuck out. Wondering how? Well, let's just say that motorboat you were on was filled with poisoned fish. Hmm... That might be the stupidest and most poorly executed attempt at a chloroformed ta-tas metaphor ever written. Let's just say that motorboat was booby trapped? Whatever. You got knocked the fuck out by some tit-tays!

Uganda’s police warned men of a ‘booby trap’ after a probe found that a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious.

Yea, so maybe I stole the 'booby trapped' thing from the article. Sue me [please don't sue me]. Anyway, isn't this rather bond-esque? It seems incredibly elaborate for a simple robbery. Couldn't they just club the guy and drag him somewhere and steal his shit?

Police officers have discovered victims of the attacks naked with all their possessions stolen by the gang, who use the women to lure their prey and rob them when they fall unconscious after intimate activity.

See what I mean? These ladies must be aching for it. Why else would they go through all that trouble. I'm also not exactly sure how this works. Do they at least get laid before all there shit gets stolen? If the lady's cans are soaked in chloroform, how does she not knock herself out? Isn't she breathing that shit in the whole time?

Fred Enanga, a spokesman for the country''s Criminal Investigations Directorate, has warned all men, and particularly travelling businessmen who tend to carry more cash than locals.

Man, that must suck. But who the hell is doing business in Uganda anyway? "I was in Uganda for the big multi-media conference and got that old tinglin' in my balls. You won't believe what happened next!" Could you imagine some happily married guy getting caught screwing around because he was robbed by the chloroform knocker gang? I mean, yea. You're obviously a shitty guy if you're cheating with whores in Uganda, but still. "Honey, can you wire me some money? I was robbed." "Oh no! Are you alright?! What happened?!" "..."

"They apply this chemical to their chest. We have found victims in an unconscious state.
"You find the person stripped totally naked and everything is taken from him. And the victim doesn''t remember anything. He just remembers being in the act of romancing," he added.

They apply the chemical to their chest...then what? Then what!? Give us the juicy details! I want all my news articles related to boobies to read like erotica god damnit!

Enanga added that the police had first came across the practice last year, when they apprehended a thief called Juliana Mukasa, whom he described as "a very dangerous lady."

A very dangerous lady, with two even more dangerous accomplices.

I'd like to end this article by pointing out that whenever stories like this pop up, I wonder if I'm the only one who always imagines these women to be incredibly attractive. I mean, I guess it's just easier for the mind to picture women who are using their breasts as weapons as hot, even though in fact most prostitutes are anything but.

Somewhere, A Dan Brown Novel is Brewing.

Now, if you find yourself in a position to commit a crime and you know there is a good chance you will be caught, aside from the obvious idea of maybe not committing the crime, the other less best idea is to have a brilliantly well thought out explanation for whatever it is that you're doing. An even lesserest best idea would be to come up with a story so bats it sounds like the plot of Dan Brown's next book(may he rest in peace).

It wasn't the preferred way to enter the Knoxville Museum of Art, but Richard Anthony Smith told police he was on a mission. The 25-year-old Knoxville man called 911 from his cell phone before dawn Wednesday saying he was trapped in an air conditioning duct leading from the museum roof, Knoxville police spokesman Darrell DeBusk said.

A man on a mission. This man:

Police and firefighters reached the roof, found a rope and cable and followed them to a vent shaft. Peering inside, they spotted Smith about 45 feet down.
"Mission failed," he told them.

Now I'm sure you are sitting there assuming either his mission was to fix their air conditioning or to make his way into the museum to find his roots, hoping to find some ancient tribe of androgynous perv-y looking cavemen or whatever. But no, it's an art museum, dummy, that latter idea doesn't make any sense. The girlish man you see above this text is actually...

Hoisted up and read his rights, Smith told police he was a "special agent from the United States Illuminati, badge number 0931" and had rappelled onto the museum from a helicopter, a police report said.

...retarded. If he had said special agent Dale Cooper, I'd have been on his side, maybe. Also, when he told them his badge number, did he present them with some kind of badge? Or when concocting this plot was he just like, "Well, if I give them a specific badge number, they probably won't even ask to see the badge." Also, this plot was well thought out enough to have you helicoptered in but there was no one other than the police to call to get you out of there? And you'd think someone in the Illuminati would be enlightened enough to work his way out of an air conditioning duct. But so let's just indulge him, because why not. What exactly was your mission, Ace?

He said he was following orders to "defuse and confiscate" a Soviet-made nuclear warhead, specifically a "MERV6SS-22AN" warhead, according to the report. The bomb supposedly was hidden in a blue, plastic cow sculpture in the museum basement, he said.

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Because Knoxville Museum of Arts is in cahoots with the Soviets! You can't just go through regular channels like the police or like a curator or something. And besides, everyone knows there's no basement in the Knoxville Museum of Art!!! I wonder if the temptation is, as the arresting officer, to march this guys stupid ass down to the basement and literally kill the shit out him with a plastic blue cow, or if you just call him an ass clown and arrest his attempted burglarizin' ass. Pop quiz hot shot. There's a bomb in your blue cow. What do you do? What do you do?

However, Smith told officers his "agency" called while he was in air-vent limbo to say it made a mistake and the bomb might be in a Memphis museum instead.

What's funny is that when his agency called while he was in air-vent limbo (?) is that there's no explanation as to why he wouldn't have been like "Oh hai! btw I can has halp to gets outta hair vent?! K Thx Bai." And yes, the Illuminati invented Lolspeak, and is run by ceiling cat. Was there ever any doubt?

Police charged Smith with aggravated robbery. He was being held on $2,000 bond at the Knox County Jail. Authorities said he did not have a lawyer.

Smith then went on to say the whole agent thing was just a cover story. In truth he'd been having a helluva hard time getting tickets to Mary Lee Bendolph's Gee’s Bend Quilts and Beyond Exhibit and figured the only way he'd ever see it was to break in. Because like who doesn't fucking love quilts?