Just a Mega-Pirate Army, Folks, Nothing to See Here

Lookit,

We here at the 'Mauf enjoy adding a little levity to the drone of the workday. A chuckle here, a slight guffaw there (for our southern and midwestern readers); all in all, a pretty merry time.

Well now we're gonna talk about a possible candidate for "Thing That Causes Apocalypse," so buckle up and stop whining before I slap you in the chin with my dick.

Cuz a dick'll make you slap somebody.

KIEV, Ukraine - A Ukrainian ship seized off Somalia by pirates had 33 Russian T-72 tanks in its cargo, officials said Friday.

Yeah, you fuckin' read that right. A ship carrying 33 of these:
was TAKEN BY FUCKING PIRATES!!! Like, "yargh, matey, fairly warned be thee, says I" pirates.

One mo' gin. This:
FILLED with a bunch of these:
Is now the property of him:
Ok. Moving along.

Ukrainian Defense Minister Yury Yekhanurov told reporters that the cargo on the ship, the Faina, also included "a substantial quantity of ammunition and spare parts,"

Why the fuck was this a necessary press release? I mean yes, this is valuable information for coountries who may possibly have to deal with sudden pirate invasions ("look at these jagballs, I betcha they don't even have ammunition, OR spare parts, let's go kick some-- **gets shot, dies**), but do you really have to press the PANIC button for the whole world? "Oh just in case you were wondering, YEA, you should've really already shit your pants about this by now."

The hijacking brings the number of attacks off Somalia to 61 this year, and pirates are now holding 14 ships and more than 300 crew members

Wait, holding more than 300 crew members? (and while we're at it holding more than 300 crew members???) Are we really under the assumption that the pirates have a large, highly-advanced prison system, or a "fun-time prisoner island" situation with a BBQ and steel drum band every Wednesday? More likely something like this happened...300 times in a row:

Dramatization

Oh. Another thing...um...nation of Ukraine?

where the FUCK WERE YOU GOING WITH 33 FUCKING TANKS ANYWAY, YOU MONEY-NEEDING THIRD WORLD EASTERN BLOC AMERICAN 80'S MUSIC-LOVING, GULASH-SMELLING, BAD TEETH HAVING, WISH YOU WERE RUSSIA SO BAD IT HURTS YOUR NIPPLES SON OF A BITCHES???

Yekhanurov said the tanks had been sold "in accordance with international law," according to Mudrak.

Oh. Well ok then. Yekawhateverthefuckidon'tcare is the Ukrainian Defense Minister, so excuse me if I say I wouldn't buy this bullshit even if she was part of the deal.

Russia said Friday

Fuck you, Russia! Who the hell asked you?!?

...I'm just playin' Russia, you know I love you. Now what's good?

Russia said Friday it has sent a patrol ship from Russia's Baltic Sea fleet to the area, but a navy statement did not specifically mention the seizure of the Ukrainian ship.

"Hyello Rah-ssian peeg dog sea colonel." What nyews hyave yyou?"

"Ahm, lyet mee see hyere...dere wahs sahm dolphins, um...Ivan got kinda sea seeck on de way back...may or may not hyave been a huge hijacking of sahm sheep with myany tyanks ohn eet. Y'know, nah-ting spyecial."

Obviously, Ukraine is calling fyor-- ahem, for serious action.

"There must be a deterrent for the pirates not to attack the ships. If there is no deterrent, it will continue," he said.

See, now I normally wouldn't perform an elaborate imitaion of a retarded person right to someone's face to illustrate just how stupid the statement they had made was. I'll make an exception this time.

So, to recap, a massive group of pirates somehow overtook an entire Ukrainian cargo ship holding literally hundreds of millions of dollars of weaponry, and made off with it scott-free, and are now out there, somewhere, deciding exactly how they want to use their newly acquired army. Oh, and it's my friend Mary's birthday. Happy Bday Mary!!!