Man Tries to Amputate Arm At Denny's, Enjoys Moon Over My Hammy.

So let's say you shoot some cocaine into your arm(who does that? that's what your nose is for, jackass). Anyway, you're pretty sure you've injected some air in with that cocaine. So now on top of being really really high, you're certain you're going to die. It seems the only sensible option would be to run into the nearby Denny's and try and cut your arm off right? Oh, right. Not at all. Well, no one told that to Michael Lasiter.

Modesto police say a local man who tried to cut off his own arm at a Denny's restaurant thought he had injected air into one of his veins while shooting cocaine and would die unless he took drastic action.

Now, I'm not a medical type doctorish guy, but I have seen this happen in a number of movies. In all of them, which I assume are completely factual, the person dies within like, 30 seconds. Because the air bubble in your vain travels through your arm and makes your brain or heart explode or something when it gets there. And after googling "injecting air into your veins", Yahoo Answers was kind enough to inform me that only injecting a massive amount of air into your veins does it become lethal. A tiny little bit shouldn't be a problem. See, these are the types of things you should find out before you decide to inject yourself with cocaine! Then he could have just gone into Denny's and enjoyed an All-Star Grand Slam. Nah, I'm just joshin', no one wants to eat after the snow falls, as it were.

The man, identified by police as Michael Lasiter, 33, rushed into the restaurant on Friday night and started stabbing himself in the right arm with a butter knife he grabbed from a customer's table, police say. When that knife didn't work, Lasiter allegedly took a butcher knife from the kitchen and dug it into his arm.

Can you imagine how fucking awesome it would have been to be there to witness that kind of insanity? Unfortunately that would require being at a Denny's... I like the idea that he tried to amputate his arm with someone's butter knife though. that's fucking dedication. Also, how yipped out of your goddamn mind do you have to be to stab yourself in the arm repeatedly? He must have been main-lining that shi.. oh, right.

Lasiter, who was subdued with a taser and taken to a local hospital with severe cuts, told officers he thought he needed to amputate his arm to keep himself from dying from the cocaine injection, says Modesto police Sgt. Brian Findlen.

Oh, that's how yipped. Needing a taser to take him down, jaysus! I wonder what the charges are for something like this. Aside from the drug stuff, obvi. Because isn't he kind of doing everyone at Denny's a favor by keeping them from eating Denny's? Even if it's just for a few minutes. And plus, that shit's dinner and a show!

The Denny's closed for the night after the incident.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
You monsters!!!!!