Ain't No Stupid Like a Jacksonville Stupid Cuz a Jacksonville Stupid DON'T STOP

Hello boys and girls, I'd like you to say "hi" to our new friend Mary Davis! Can you say "hi" to Mary Davis?

Kids: HI MAAAAARYYYYYYY!!!

Mary: AAAAGHAGHAGHHGHGAHAH I'LL EAT YOU ALIVE!!!

(Kids scream, disperse)

Mary Davis is a wonderous mixture of batshit crazy and dogshit stupid, the type you just don't see combined nearly enough. But don't take my word for it...

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- A 63-year-old woman returned home from an area hospital on Monday, a day after she allegedly tried to run over a sheriff's deputy but ended up running over herself.

Now, I should make it clear that I am not writing this post to ridicule Ms. Davis. No sir, not in the least. If you manage to somehow manipulate the laws of physics to run your own damn self over with a mini-van, while trying to kill a police officer, at age 63, you're doing something right. Like, really right.

You might be saying, "well that's all well and good Berbalerbs, but what about the stupid? You promised us some good stupid, and so far, all we've got is batshit crazy."

To which I reply, "shut the fuck up and keep reading if you don't want my crotch up in your grill piece."

Mary Davis said she was trying to stop deputies from arresting her son when she lost control of the minivan. "It was just a freak accident," Davis said.

That's right ladies and gents, it was just a freak accident! She was just trying to stop the cops from arresting her son...by...using...her...minivan? Or is the "freak accident" she's referring to only the fact that she managed to run herself over? Is she totally fine with the fact that she was trying to kill a police officer?

Oh, and (everyone together)

HOW THE FUCK DID YOU MANAGE TO DRIVE A MINIVAN OVER YOURSELF?!?

According to an incident report, Davis ran insider [sic, I hope] her house, grabbed her keys and jumped into her minivan. One of the deputies was trying to get her out of the vehicle when Davis put the van in reverse and put her foot on the gas.

Doesn't exactly sound like an accident yet...Kinda hard to trip, fall, and wind up with your car keys in hand, trip and stumble again right out of your house and up to your minivan, trip stumble and fall AGAIN into said minivan, and accidentally insert the key into the car, start the car up, put it into reverse, and gun it, all while a police officer is trying to remove you from the minivan you've accidentally found yourself in. Although I did trip and stumble over some Legos once and stubbed my toe. So, I guess anything's possible...

The report states, the corporal had to jump out of the way to avoid being hit by [sic]van's door, which was still open. The woman fell out of the van when it slammed into a lawnmower. The van ran her over, and then rammed into a Baker County Sheriff's Office vehicle.

Just think...if it wasn't for that lawnmower, none of this would've happened. All we'd be left with is a boring story about a 63 year old cop killer who kinda looks like a Goomba from the Super Mario Bros. live action movie...

And where's the whimsy in that?