Who Are You To Tell Me How I Get Paid?

If I run a business, and I want to accept payment in the form of punches to the face, who the fuck are you to tell me I can't? Ethics are for suckers, man. Laissez-faire capitalism bro! Leave me be! Or let's say I'm a lawyer, and I want to accept payment in the form of like, I don't know, nude dances. Who are you to tell me I can't? Oh, the Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Commission? Hmmm... seems like that's a group I maybe should have hypothetically been aware of... before all this hypothetical nude-dance-as-payment unpleasantness...

An attorney has been suspended for more than a year for accepting nude dances from a stripper as partial payment for the legal fees she owed him.

[Scott] Erwin, who practices in the northern Illinois city of DeKalb, and his client mutually agreed that she'd perform nude dances for him in his office as a way to reduce her legal fees, the commission's report said. He credited her for $534 toward his bill for services of various legal matters, the report said.

It's not like he was waiving her fees or anything. Partial payment! I wonder if it had been phrased differently, if then it would have alright. Like, "You know what Candi? I like you. I like you so much I'm going to give you a little discount. Here, I'm knocking five hundred bucks off my fees. Just because I'm such a nice guy." "Oh wow thank you! You are such a sweety. Here, you just sit back because I am going to grind my scantily clad hepa-gina all over your slacks."
See? It's not payment, it's more like a thank you card in the form of a lap dance! Hey, maybe I should be the lawyer. Also, "various legal matters" ? You can't have all this stripper talk and not mention what he was representing her for in the first place! Cocktease-y fucks.

The Illinois Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Commission on Thursday said Scott Robert Erwin will begin serving a 15-month suspension for misconduct next month.

Come on, you know the dude's rollin' in cash money! All you're doing is forcing him to take a little vacation! Big whoop! Also when reached for comment about the IAR&DC had ruled, Erwin replied, "The what? Oh fuck, that's what IAR&DC stands for?"

While she agreed to the performances, the client contended he touched her inappropriately during those dances, and she went to police in 2002 with sexual assault allegations.

Bitch is getting half a grand knocked off her legal fess and she's going to complain about the guy who's also representing her? Talk about biting the hand that stuffs singles in your G-string. So what if he cops a feel, he's all that's standing between you and... like, whatever the fuck your problem was in the first place. Also, I have no experience on this matter, but how weird would it be to hear a sexual assault case for something like this? You're the judge, and there's a girl trying to prosecute a guy for sexual assault:

"He grabbed my breasts your honor!"

"Didn't you say you were nude, gyrating your genitals on his groin and rubbing his face between your breasts?"

"Yes, but then he touched them...with his hands!!!"

"..."

Erwin denied any inappropriate touching happened, and he was never charged criminally, the report said. He declined to comment on the panel's decision Thursday. The woman no longer works as a stripper, the report said.

Except for that earlier comment I totally didn't just make up. Also, good for her! A nice little happy ending to that story. Because it's important to remember that even if you're a stupid obnoxious whore, you can go on to do anything!