Tramp Stamp

No, not that kind of tramp stamp...but I like where your head's at...

WASHINGTON (AP) -- People calling a federal phone number to order duck stamps are instead greeted by a phone-sex line, due to a printing error the government says would be too expensive to correct.

An alternate title for this piece I was considering was "My Neck, My Back, My P*ssy and My Quack." Sorry. I couldn't help myself. If David Duchovny can be addicted to porn, I can be addicted to pun.

The carrier card for the duck stamp transposes two numbers, so instead of listing 1-800-782-6724, it lists 1-800-872-6724. The first number spells out 1-800-STAMP24, while the second number spells out 1-800-TRAMP24.

See, this is why you never give the intern something really important to do on his last day...

So in case you weren't aware of the intricacies of duck hunting (people with front teeth and jobs, I'm looking in your direction), you have to get a stamp that looks like this: for $15 bucks to legally hunt ducks (or, as the article finds as many chances as possible to call them, "migratory waterfowl." Well La Di fuckin' Da, Mr. fuckin' Literate). Wow, fifteen bucks a pop! What do they spend that cheddah on?

The government uses nearly all the revenue to purchase waterfowl habitat for the National Wildlife Refuge System.

So they use the money they make on licensing people to kill ducks to...protect ducks? Assumedly from hunters? That's like Dick Cheney using his Haliburton dough to...I'unno, do something not completely evil. Just seems pointless.

I know, I know...get to the phone sex! Well, first we have to have a caller...

She's a b'yoot, ain't she!

Let's call him "Howard."

Howard: Hey honee! I'm gonna cahl up fer my duck huntin' license, whoo boy!

Betsy: Okee there!

Howard: Okee! (dials number)

(phone rings)

Ambrosia: Hello and welcome to Cock Paradise--

Howard: What in the--

Ambrosia: Where your cock's fantasies come to life--

Howard: I jist wahnted my duck huntin' license--

Ambrosia: For barely 18 phone sex press "one"

Howard: I'm lookin' fer my duck stamp, not--

Ambrosia: For 2-on-1, press "two"

Howard: I...migratory waterfowl--

Ambrosia: For Shemale Fantasies press--

(Howard presses "three")

*TWO HOURS LATER*

(Betsy enters room)

Betsy: Hey hon, didja get the duck li--

(She finds Howard drenched in sweat, panting, holding the phone tenderly, occasionally kissing it)

Betsy: Uh, honey?

The government uses a contractor, Ashton Potter Security Printers of Williamsville, New York, to print the duck stamps. Levin said she did not know whether the error was made by the government or by the company.

Well of course not. With something like this it's basically impossible to go back and reliably find the moment where the mistake took place. No one knows how it happened.

Ashton Potter's president and chief executive, Barry Switzer, said that the company was provided with the wrong telephone number.

Oh, except for this douchebag. He apparently knows without a doubt that the duck calling card was printed properly on his end. CEO's are usually the ones in charge of proofreading, so this makes total sense. Way to go, Barry! Now throw yourself down some stairs!

"We reproduced the wrong number correctly," he said. "We regret this whole situation happened, but we did our job properly."

Barry: stairs. Down. Throw yourself. NOW.

And now to bring it home with a little Google Image Search Mashup Craziness:
DUCK PORN! YAAAAY!