Assault with a (Silent But)Deadly Weapon - UPDATE!!

Alright, this one might just be too(t) good to be true. A gentleman was pulled over under suspicion of DWI, and on top of failing three separate sobriety tests, he also got booked for battery. Why? Because he platter-served one of the cops his fart.

A man has been charged with battery on a police officer for allegedly passing gas and fanning it toward a patrolman.

Guess what, if I lived anywhere near West Virginia, I would stand outside that jail with a sign declaring this man to be the greatest American hero of our life time. Of course if I lived in WVA I would be married to my cousin, so I guess I'll just admire him from afar and leave it at that.

Jose A. Cruz, 34, of Clarksburg, W. Va., was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station for a breathalyzer test.

All sounds like SOP thus far.

As Patrolman T.E. Parsons prepared the machine, Cruz scooted his chair toward Parsons, lifted his leg and "passed gas loudly," the complaint said.

I kind of took a leap of faith before when I said he platter-served the cop. But I'm going to go ahead and say that it's safe to assume he handed it to the officers face, because like why wouldn't you, you're already busted for DWI... oh fuck. right. Battery charges. Let's just take a gander at that for a second.

At common law, simple battery is a misdemeanor and the elements of the offense are:
An unlawful application of force;
To the person of another;
Resulting in either bodily injury or an offensive touching.

So... farting loudly and possibly-not-really-probably-for-real throwing it at the cop falls under which of these categories, exactly? This is exactly the type of bullshit Ice-T was referring to when he said "Fuck tha po-lice."

Cruz, according to complaint, then fanned the gas toward the officer.

I sincerely hope somewhere video exists of this ordeal. How much would you pay to see this drunken asshole fan his fart at a cop while being booked for DWI? Because I personally wouldn't pay any money. But that's due to lack of funds, rather than a lack of will. So, I guess what I'm really saying is: Can I borrow some money.

"The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint alleged.

He insulted me with his fart! Come on! This charge has to get thrown out, right? Like how the fuck do you prove beyond a reasonable doubt that it's flatus of a provoking nature? What does that even mean?

He was also charged with driving under the influence, driving without headlights and two counts of obstruction.

Yea, well those kind of make sense... Fair enough, but don't you have to like, give him leniency for being a bad ass? Who farts at cops? I mean, besides drunken jackasses, I guess.

Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn't move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.

Cruz only admitted it because he knew they would bust him with the 17th Amendment: He who denied it supplied it. But seriously, I never made it past grade 6. If you're going to not let him go take a shit when the man is hammered and sick-ish, then you should be fucking grateful that all you got was a fart to the face. You could be looking at a station floor full of liquid shit that just reeks of Jose Cuervo and shame.

"I couldn't hold it no more," he said.

No. Come on brother, you're better than that. You shouldn't hold it no mo'.

He also denied being drunk and uncooperative as the police complaint alleged. He added he was upset at being prepared for a breathalyzer test while having an asthma attack. The police statement said he later resisted being secured for a trip to a hospital that he requested for asthma treatment.

I would be upset if I was hammered and had to take a breathalyzer test, too. So I can totally relate to this guy right now.

Cruz said the officers thought the gas incident was funny when it happened and laughed about it with him.

Well yea, obviously. Fart are hilarious. I guess lesson being try not to aim it at a cop's face. Or do. I don't give a fuck. My guess is that he probably served the fart to some loser cop no one likes and everyone else laughed but this loser cop was a vindictive asshole who could use some good face-farting. Take that fucker down an olfactory peg or two.

"This is ridiculous," he said. "I could be facing time."

To which someone reminded him, "Dude, you got busted for drunk driving and obstruction."

UPDATE: THE SYSTEM WORKS!

A West Virginia man accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer no longer faces a battery charge.
The Kanawha County prosecutor's office requested that the charge be dropped against 34-year-old Jose Cruz.

When reached for comment, the prosecutor's office said: "Well, we read this blog and this Pemulis fellow made some really good points. We would like to apologize to Mr. Cruz for not letting him take a drunk dump and would like to thank him for not loosing his bowels all over our floor. This man is a hero, and deserves to be treated like one. And besides, that cop had it coming, fucking dick."