Malakakabookiebakaladapaodababalalla Cartoon Mouse.

That roughly translates to "I'm a crazy fuckwit who spends his days declaring jihad on a cartoon mouse." Didn't know I could speak crazy fuckwit talk, did you?

Mickey Mouse is a soldier of satan and must die, says a Muslim cleric.

See I need to become a Muslim. They have all the very best crazy fuckwits. Christian fuckwits are just infuriating. No flair, no pizzazz. No calling for the death of fictional characters.

This is Sheikh Muhammad Munajid. He's a television personality in Saudi Arabia. Apparently, if you spout bat-shit-craziness in the Middle East, you get a TV show. Here, you just get the change in my pocket (except for my quarters, of course). I should be fair to Mr. Munajid, though. All of his comments aren't as crazy as waging holy war on an animated rodent in suspenders.

Some are perfectly rational, well-formed opinions about how the Tsunami that devistated Asia in 2005 was due to too much Cristal on New Years.

"The problem is that the [Christian] holidays are accompanied by forbidden things, by immorality, abomination, adultery, alcohol, drunken dancing, and … and revelry. A belly dancer costs 2500 pounds per minute and a singer costs 50,000 pounds per hour, and they hop from one hotel to another from night to dawn.

NO! Vagabonds hopping from hotel to hotel, shamelessly whoring their...**shudders** singing and dancing services **vomits on self** to strangers. STRANGERS!

And belly dancers really run 2500 pounds a minute? Is there some time in the Boom-Boom Room accompanied with this fee? Don't get me wrong, I like those little finger cymbals as much as the next red-blooded Saudi... but I digress.

Initially I thought this Fatwa upon Mickey was a little harsh. I mean, I know Mickey personally, although it's been a while since we shot the shit. We were drinking buddies back in the late 90s (Mick's fav. drinking game was a Power Hour accompanied by the Chumbawumba song "Tubthumper" on repeat. It was fun, then annoying, then really fun, then unbearable, then sloppy).

Mick was always a pretty laid back amicable guy. I mean, occasionally he'd have a few too many shots of Cuervo, start hitting on a married chick, and end up breaking a bottle over someone's head, but that's pretty tame for an individual at his level of fame.

I checked up on Mick recently. Maybe Munajid's right...

This is a recent pic of the Mouse from his myspace page...Looks like tough times. I don't want to start any rumors, especially not about an old friend, but Mickey sorta looks like something that rhymes with "child rapist."

I tried to contact Mickey, but his phone seems to have been shut off. Then I heard about a new expose that's going to air on TMZ. Here are some stills...

Mickey spotted leaving Amy Winehouse's flat in London.

Mickey on PCP binge in LA

Mickey at Neverland Ranch.

Oh...and then there's this:So yeah...pretty bad.

Tom and Jerry have also incurred the wrath of Sheikh Muhammad Munajid who fears they are corrupting Islamic youth.

Well, this is no real shocker. T&J have always been about S&M.

Fuckin' pervs.

You know, this dude Munajid actually doesn't seem too bad. I mean, his jihad really shed some light on Mick's situation, and now perhaps he can begin to heal. Maybe this crazy fuckwit Sheikh isn't so bad after all...

The Saudi Arabian cleric also recently denounced the Beijing Games as the “bikini Olympics” because of the female athletes’ skimpy costumes which, he said, made Satan happy.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA. Now, I'm down to denounce a lot of shit, but if you have a problem with this

Then your penis likes to play with other penises. Of course it made Satan happy! Why the hell wouldn't it? It made me happy! It made Bill Clinton happy! It made God, Jesus, Buddah, Mohammed, Oprah, St. Peter and this guy happy too!

Gay-ass Sheikh with his gay-ass jihad.