Trail of Smears

As night falls, the city becomes awash in a twinkling sea of lights and tranquility. All is well in the booming Megalopolis of...(checks notes) um, Valentine, Nebraska. Or at least, all seems well...

Rest, gentle city...for tomorrow, nothing will EVER be the same...

Perched high above the sleeping masses, an evil genius waits...waits for the perfect time to strike...They had all mocked him as a young boy, laughed in his face when he told them he was going to make a big impact on this world...well now, the laughing would cease. He would see to that this very night... Alright, so if this were a movie, I'd put in a little fade here, and jump to the next scene. Being that this is a blog posting and not a movie, I'm going to need your help here. Please slowly close your eyes, then open them really quickly (in the blog-post-pretending-to-be-movie industry we call that a "smash cut") and scroll down. Now.

***

*****

*******

Muaha, Muaha, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

World: meet the Butt Bandit.

The perpetrator, according to Chief Ben McBride, has been busy for more than a year leaving his rear-end mark smeared with petroleum jelly and lotion, on area store, school and church windows.

Oh my. Oh my my my. Where to begin? Literally?!? I mean, do we begin by simply stating that this is the greatest thing anyone has ever done in the history of people having buttockses? Do we delve into the amount of preparation that it must take to pull off these...what do you even call it? A "butt-smearing?" Or what about the fact that this dude has eluded the po-po for a fucking year?!? Or that this dude has continued to fucking butt-smear for a fucking year?!?

This is blogger Nirvana, here.

In one brazen attack, the Butt Bandit hit a local hotel where virtually all of its windows were imprinted with his derriere and crotch.

(**Dies happy**)

And the best thing is...what the hell happens if they catch him? I mean, yeah, he gets tagged for vandalization, but there's really not a whole helluva lot else you can charge him with... So if this guy ever gets caught, what's the worst? A fine, a little community service and title of "coolest person ever to step foot in Valentine, Nebraska?"

One thing that must suck, though: the getaway run. Can you imagine lubing up your butt and groin, pressing ham, and then having to run away??? Squish, squish, squish...

Police staked out one church that had been repeatedly hit but were unable to catch the culprit. The only clue is a blurry picture of him caught by a surveillance camera at the middle school last year. The man is described as approximately 6-feet-tall, slender with a dark complexion, and hair styled in a "1980s" feathered look.

Time to line up the usual suspects...