Jane! Stop this Crazy Thing... Or Don't... I Could Just Hop Off...

So up in Buffalo NY, an inventor has come up with a brilliant way to cease expensive stops at local stations for non-stop express trains. The stroke of genius? Letting people off without stopping the train!

IF RAILROADS generally adopt a plan suggested by Rupert Wales, a Buffalo, N. Y. inventor, passengers on non-stop express trains will be able to get off and on at small wayside stations while the train rushes past at top speed. This feat will be accomplished by the use of a mono-rail transfer car, according to Mr. Wales.

I can't really see any downside to this... people in general are smart and capable enough as to where this shouldn't be a problem of any sort. Honestly though, you really might as well just slow the thing down a tad and let people jump off. If I may relay an anecdote here - I used to have to take the train to high school. I lived too far from it to get a bus, so the good Ol' LIRR took me to school every day. The trains on our line were old diesel trains. I mean very old. And often very crowded. This meant a lot of mornings spent sitting between cars. Now here's the thing about these old trains. Often, the doors were not exactly in proper working order. In retrospect, I have no clue how these fucking trains were legal. Anyway, there was an occasion where the door happened to be wide open, and a friend of mine and I were between cars. The train was pulling into the station, and this friend decided it would be funny to try and safely jump from the (fairly slow) moving train. This resulted in him tumbling several feet, knocking over several commuters waiting to get on to the train, multiple wounds, and endless hilarity. In light of this proposition from Mr. Wales, I would be willing to wager this exit strategy is infinitely less dangerous than the one he has proposed.

this little girl is dead now. are you happy, rupert?

Could you imagine an old woman trying to move from one (insanely fast) moving train onto another? I can, and it fucking rules. Picture it. Yea, there you go, you insensitive fuck, that poor old lady! Stop thinking about that shit, asshole! Anyway, how would this even work, Rupert.

This car is an electrically driven coach running on a mono-rail alongside the track on which the express train runs. The passengers board the transfer car, which accelerates rapidly as the train approaches until the speeds of the two are equal. The monorail car is then automatically clasped to the side of the Pullman, passengers get on and disembark from the train, and when all is in readiness the transfer car disengages itself from the train and slows down, returning to the station under its own power.

Yup, foolproof. Imagine a family of 5, with a mother holding two small children trying to move from one train to another, at 75 mph, while one of the older kids is throwing some kind of shit fit and generally being a doucheface. You don't think, aside from all of the accidents waiting to happen, there isn't going to be some temptation on a frustrated parent's part, to just give the little fuckstick a little shove? "Oh my god what happened?! He just fell! Now I only have these other two children I could barely provide for to begin with! How will I ever recover from this oh thank you so much, Shortline, for these millions and millions of dollars I'm to receive in compensation!"

Come on. You'd do it. You shitty person you. Who are you trying to kid?

On the Plus Side: When He Gets Back to School I'm Sure No One Will Make Fun of Him

A lot of people keep matches by their toilets. This is done to help alleviate the stench of a freshly evacuated bowel movement. Others sometimes keep air fresheners in its various forms somewhere nearby for the same reason. Note however, it is a bad idea to first spray heavily flammable air freshener and then light a match. Or a lighter even. Just ask Dennis Bueller.

A German schoolboy was blown out of his toilet and through a window when the lavatory exploded into a fireball after he sparked a lighter just moments after spraying the room with air freshener.

Jesus. I don't even have a joke for this. But man, what a shitty way to get blown up. Oops! ha! See what I did there? But seriously, through a fucking window? How much air freshener must this kid have sprayed? Like an entire can?

The toilet turned into an orange fireball when Dennis Bueller, 13, began playing with a lighter after he sprayed the downstairs WC in his home.

This leads me to wonder a few things: What the hell is a lighter doing in the bathroom? Did he at least wash his hands before he started fiddling with all this stuff? He couldn't have waited 5 seconds until he left the "WC" before he started playing with a lighter? Is he Ferris's German cousin? Will we be seeing "Dennis Buellers freier Tag, wo er eine Toilette sprengt"?

'I sprayed the toilet because it smelled,' said Dennis.

An important bit of info to note here. He wasn't just spraying air freshener for the fuck of it, in case you were wondering. Turns out he was trying to alleviate a post BM odor. Glad we finally cleared that up.

' Then I began fiddling with a lighter my dad left in there and suddenly there was this big orange whoosh! of flame. I woke up outside with my clothes burned off me and smelling like a barbecue.'

He then added, "Except at this particular barbecue, they were grilling people, turds, and potpourri."

The tin of Purple Rose air freshener stated that it was not to be used near naked flame but Dennis admitted he hadn’t read the instructions.

To be fair, I'm sure most people don't read the instructions before spraying air freshener. But then again, to be unfair (I guess?), most people don't create an open flame after spraying an enclosed space with flammable gas from an aerosol can.

The boy from Recklinghausen was rushed to hospital but later transferred to a specialist burns unit. He has suffered burns over his face, arms, legs and upper body and will need months of treatment.

Jesus H. Cristobal, that's fucking nuts. Seriously, months of treatment, and when he gets back to school he's going to get fucking torn apart. I mean, maybe not, but if his friends are anywhere near the level of asshole me and my friends are, they will be merciless. If I missed 4 months of school because I took a shit then blew myself up in the bathroom, I would never fucking hear the end of it. Likewise, if one of my friends came back after missing four months for the same reason, I would ensure that he never heard the end of it. Do you think being in bathrooms will give him nightmares? Will the smell of air freshener cause him to twitch uncomfortably? Do you think anyone could ever pay him enough to try and light a fart on fire? Oh and Godspeed on your recovery and all that.

His father Artur Bueller said; 'Poor Dennis. When the doctors have to change his bandages he has to be knocked out, the pain is so great.

Poooooooooor Dennis. I mean, yea. I get it. That sucks. But still, I mean, come on! It's kind of his own fault, no? You sleep in the bed you make and all that?

'He said the downstairs loo smelled but I think he realises he was a bit dim in playing with a lighter.'

Yes. The kid who now has to be knocked out just to have his bandages changed now realizes maybe blowing himself up in the bathroom was a bad idea. Lesson learned. The system works!

COME ON!

So a gentleman in Kentucky, by the name of Chad Toy (what an awesome name), escaped from prison. Scott-free. Totally made it out. Then he went back.

"When I rang the bell at the jail and told them who I was, they were surprised," Toy told The Paducah Sun newspaper. "I guess they haven't seen that before."

Well yea, because generally people who escape from jail do so in order to avoid...being in jail.

Toy, 21, was in a western Kentucky jail awaiting trial on charges stemming from a July home invasion. He's also serving a four-year sentence for theft.

Hmmm... yea, freedom sounds way worse than 4 years in prison. You had your ticket out. Come on!

Officials said he escaped early Monday while on a cleanup detail in the lobby. He bolted after a guard unlocked the front doors to clean an area.

So...how does this happen? What kind of shitty-ass prison is it where a guy can bolt like that and make a clean get away? Note to self: if you ever feel inclined to commit a felony, do it in Paducah. I wonder if this prison holds honor marathons, too. Like in Arrested Development... I couldn't find a clip of the particular scene, so here's the whole awesome episode.
Cut to the 17:40 mark to get to the point that originally made me laugh about this article. Because pretty much everything I read or see relates, in my mind, back to something funny in this show or Boiler Room or the Simpsons.


But Toy returned that afternoon, wet and covered with grime. He told authorities his sister had persuaded him to surrender because his family feared for his safety.

They wait until the next fucking paragraph to even speculate why he was wet and covered with grime. Turns out he was maybe hanging out by a river. Could your sister who convinced you to turn yourself back in have let you pop by to use the shower? And how exactly were they fearing for his safety? Isn't the worst case scenario being caught and going back to prison? Finding the one arm man who killed your wife? Where you at Desmondo?

Jailer Bill Adams said he doubts Toy's account. He thinks the escapee spent his brief liberty hiding beside the Tennessee River.
Adams said it was the first time in his 14 years as a deputy and jailer that he's seen an escaped convict willingly return.

I'm not too sure I understand this entirely. What was Toy's account, exactly? That he went out, got somehow otherwise grimy and wet, spoke to his sister who then convinced him that their concerns for him outweighed not being in jail? Does Toy deny being by the river? Damnit don't tell us this guy doubts Toy's account if you're not going to provide us with his motherfucking account you fudge eating nickel picker!

"It was a spur of the moment decision. I saw an open door and just ran through it," Toy told the newspaper. "I am sorry about what I did. If I had it to do over again, I would have never run out the door."

Well obviously he's going to say this. He's back in jail. A more honest answer would be "I totally fucked up. I was fucking free. I just happen to know I don't possess the wits or cunning to avoid recapture, so I turned myself back in. So please do not call me mint jelly, because it's back to rape city for me." What I want to know is if he faces more charges for escaping, or if since it was just for the morning it's kind of like a mulligan or whatever.

Woman Sues Fortune Teller for Fraud - Can She be Countersued for Being Stupid?

I predict you will lose a lot of money in a very stupid fashion

So let's say your horoscope says you will find a new love. You don't. Are you then allowed to sue the newspaper for a section pretty clearly designed for entertainment? If I can't complete a crossword puzzle, can I sue the New York Times(seriously, can I? Fucking puzzle)? Anyway, if you're dumb enough to take a fortune teller seriously, you shouldn't be allowed legal recourse in any fashion. Someone please pass this info to this woman.

How do you prove a curse wasn’t lifted?
That’s the question a Collier County judge will have to determine when the case of a 54-year-old Golden Gate woman suing a fortune teller for fraud, theft and deceptive trade practices heads to court.

This is like trying to sue one of those pan handlers who acts like a robot for change for false advertisement after you stick around long enough to find out its just a guy who paints himself.

Eumathe Dufrene is suing Doris Palm & Card Reading on Airport-Pulling Road, alleging that she paid Tiffany Johnson $80 for a card reading on March 8 and then was asked to provide $300 the next day, then more money over several weeks. Dufrene said she was asked to pay Johnson for medicine to prevent evil and “grave calamities” from being around her family and children and more money after the first “spiritual loan” wasn’t enough to lift the evil.

There are so many things wrong with this paragraph I don't even know where to begin. I guess the first sentence will suffice. Airport-Pulling Road? What. The. Fuck. How does a road get a name like that? Like I get when streets got practical names like "Main Street" and "Farm Road" or "Cheap Whore Lane". But Airport-Pulling? How do you pull an airport? Is this some biological term I am unfamiliar with? "Oh man, I was playing hoops last night and totally pulled my airport." And then ok. She was asked to provide this money. Is she familiar with the term "No" ? Isn't that the only way this case could have merit? Because suing a fortune teller for not removing a curse is like suing EA games when you win the world series on MLB 2k8 but are never presented with a trophy or ring. Sort of. Also, please prove in court that evil has not been lifted. While you're at it, get the judge riled up enough and you can probably prove that ghosts are real, too.

Dufrene ended up paying $13,200 over several weeks in March, according to her lawsuit filed Oct. 28 in Small Claims Court. Johnson, who has a money-back guarantee, promised to return the money, according to the lawsuit, which includes a receipt showing Johnson’s signature that is labeled “Exhibit 1.”

Things you could spend even less than 13K on to protect your family... hmmm... Nope. I can't think of a single thing.

On March 25, after no money was returned, Dufrene went to the business at 1872 Airport-Pulling Road and asked for her money back. But Johnson claimed the evil surrounding Dufrene’s family was causing complications with Johnson’s pregnancy and asked her to call in a couple of days, the lawsuit says.

Seriously? Please tell us how she responded to that. "Oh. Ok. I'll wait a couple more days, but then I for realsies want my money back!" "If I give you your money back today as opposed to Wednesday, your baby will die!" My biggest problem with people as dumb as this woman is two-fold: They breed. And, they vote. Anyway, after this the article kind of gets confusing.

She was constantly calling and constantly coming here,” Doris Johnson said as she sat in her business. “The money was for my daughter’s readings, her time.”
She said Dufrene was upset because her son was murdered and nothing was done, and she’d also lost her job and was depressed.
“She felt so confused and troubled about her son, her life and everything around her,” Johnson said, adding that Dufrene wanted a curse placed on her son’s killer, but they don’t do that type of work and said Dufrene would have to do that in her country, Haiti.

So the defendant's daughter was giving her readings? But then she wanted a curse put on a guy they couldn't find? How does all these even begin to approach thirteen grand? And then it just kind of tapers off, explaining that Madame Ruby had just had another kid is why she couldn't do the readings, and how the parties disagree about what all the money was for. But then it mentions a few other sort of similar cases, which are awesome.

In 2001, a man settled his lawsuit for an undisclosed amount the day of his trial against a 90-year-old Atlantic City boardwalk fortune teller. He claimed he paid her $200,000 over 13 years to remove a curse. He alleged he’d suffered a nervous breakdown and held Sole Mio Balaam Nicola responsible because he left his wife after the fortune-teller told him that if he did not, he’d be “attacked by snakes.”

Seriously though. Aside from me being all for people taking advantage of idiots. How do you prove in court that this information is false. You've already left your wife. Who knows what happens if he doesn't. Maybe he does get attacked by snakes. I'd certainly like to think so. I'd also have loved to been in the room when he dumped her, because she must have thought he was cheating or secretly gay or something, right? "I have to leave you my darling. An old woman on a boardwalk said if I didn't I will be attacked by snakes."

In 1996, a Roanoke, Va., Circuit judge ordered Lola Rose Miller, who offered fortunes under the name Miss Stella, to return more than $65,000 that a Roanoke man paid her for six numbers that were supposed to win $3 million in the lottery. She’d already served a year in jail after an undercover sting by a police officer, who was told a glass of water, a dirty sock and $1,200 paid to her would cure his marital problems — and an evil curse shaped like a potato inside his body. She also was ordered to pay $18,000 in restitution to a victim who prompted the police sting.

He first became suspicious when he got into the bedroom and his wife didn't seemed to be turned on by the glass of water in his hand or the dirty sock covering his genitals.

Occasionally I Confuse My Suppositories With Vegetables, Too

Look, this next item may sound a little weird, but let me ask you this first. Who here hasn't been hanging curtains, naked, and slipped and fell on a vegetable of some sort? Let he who is without weird fetish cast the first potato.

A vicar attended hospital with a potato stuck up his bottom - and claimed it got there after he fell on to the vegetable while naked.

He's a man of God, why would he lie? Is it even possible for them to lie? I'd guess no. Also, attended hospital? What is hospital? Is it like Home-Ec? For people in a country called England, you sure don't make good English much with your writes.

The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table. He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.

Like I said, who doesn't do things like hang curtains in the nude? And where is he supposed to keep his potatoes if not on places where his ass might wind up? Away from places where his ass might wind up? What are you, Mexican? And what kind of sex game involves Butt Potatoes? Butt Potato? One potato two potato three potato butt.

The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in Sheffield have had to remove from people's backsides or genitals.

MmmHmm... please do go on...

Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.

...

Seriously though, I was putting on the deodorant, slipped on a cucumber sliver, fell on the Russian doll and through a series of unfortunate bounces I wound up in the garden with said objects in my posterior. Please let's just drop it already.

Then blah blah blah they talk to a nurse and:

A hospital trust spokeswoman in Sheffield said: "Like all busy hospitals we do see some unusual accidents.

"But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way."

Very discreetly, she said to the person working for a fucking newspaper.

I Can't Stand To Think About You With Another Man, Hacked To Bits On the Side of the Road? That Works.

In my ever-growing efforts to write the longest post title in the history of earth, I bring you this little story. A story of a man in love. A man so in love that when his love left him he cut the shit out of her with a machete. A man so in love that he hacked her to bits with a machete and then cut his own dick off and then bled to death... wait what?

A man in Abia State who murdered his ex-lover and thereafter severed his own manhood explained before he died that he killed the woman and inflicted mortal wounds on himself because he couldn’t live with the thought of his woman having a romance with another man. He was also said to have told security operatives that he cut off his own male organ to prevent him from sleeping with any other woman.

There's an almost romantic and like, honorable feeling that rises when reading this. I guess the emphasis here should remain on almost. Like, holy shit he must have loved her something fierce. Of course on the other hand he would prefer to murder her with a machete and see her mutilated body on a roadside rather than see her with another man. So it's maybe a little skewed, in terms of his moral compass.

Goddy , a farmer residing in Onuiyagh Community in Bende Local Government Area of Abia State was said to have, in a fit of jealousy, murdered Agnes, his two-year live-in-lover after allegedly seeing her with her new lover. He was said to have subsequently cut off his own manhood and placed it on the lover’s corpse.

Imagine being the guy who stumbles upon this, "Umm hello, 911 (or Abian equivalent)? I found a dead body. It's a woman. But umm.... there's also a dick. Not not like a shemale. Like there's just a dick. Like on her head. No not like a circus sideshow thing. Like someone cut their dick off and left it on her head... Yes I'll hold." Also I love how they say he "placed it on the lover's corpse." It makes it sound like it was this quiet, gentle little ceremony or something. I guess anything to remove the image of a guy bleeding from the hole where his cock used to reside.

"Now, you cannot have sex and I cannot have sex. We were meant for each other and you decided to leave me I cannot afford to see you have sex with another man and I don’t want to have sex with another woman," the man reportedly told the lifeless Agnes. After hacking the woman to death on a farm road, Goddy was said to have rushed to Bende Police Station to report himself. He was said to have bled to death shortly after showing up at the station.

This is my favorite part of this story. So he went to the police station, bleeding profusely from the cock-hole, and ... they didn't do anything? Like had he lost too much blood at this point already or did he just have to sit around the police station too long for anyone to be of any help or what? Wouldn't one's first reaction be to get the man bleeding from nubbin some medical attention? And also - who talks to a corpse? Cray-zeee!

Eyewitnesses told Daily Sun that Goddy had been living with Agnes for some years before disagreement set in between the two love birds. Goddy had on the fateful day waylaid Agnes on the farm road and dealt several matchet blows on her which led to her instant death. [sic?!?!]

I'm not sure how several 'matchet' blows can lead to instant death, but whatever - I just like that they're referred to as love birds here. Anyway, end of story and all that right? Can't really get weirder. Right?

According to Chimezie, Goddy was keeping another woman simply called Mrs Ojiegbe , who he had earlier allegedly snatched from her husband from a neigbouring community. Said Chimezie: "At first, the three lovebirds were living together, having sex together and the two women were receiving favours from Goddy without complaints. Suddenly, there was a downturn in the fortunes of Goddy who could no longer satisfy the two women. This led to regular quarrels between the two women as who should have upper hand in bed and material gifts from their lover. However, Mrs. Ojiegbe who appeared stronger and bigger was always beating up Agnes who as a result, decided to go out instead of being beaten by Ojiegbe everyday.

... I ... but... The thing is... So to recap: Man has two ladies. One of whom he has stolen from some other guy. Happiness. New broad starts beating up old broad. Old Broad leaves. Man kills old broad. Man cuts off own penis. Man reports this all to police station, bleeds to death. Ok... I can't imagine this man's estate has been doing anything else besides fielding phone calls about obtaining the movie rights to their story. I can see it be animated. Maybe Pixar?

"The development did not go down well with Goddy who was already used to sleeping with the two women every night. He begged her to come back and she refused. He threatened her and she remained undaunted. He then promised to teach her a lesson she would never forget." Meanwhile, Mrs. Ojiegbe is said to be on the run for fear of being arrested by the police.Two years ago, a young man named Chinedu who lived in Bende Road in Umuahia reportedly also chopped off his own manhood after his involvement in a failed money making rituals. His alleged defence then was that a voice had told him to sever his organ as it was leading him into temptation.

How brutally murdering her a lesson she'll never forget? Like after she's dead she'll come home and apologize? And even if the zombie Mrs. comes home and asks forgiveness, You're dickless and she probably stinks something awful.

Baskin Robbins Ponders Adding Flavor 32: Poo!

You don't know the half of it, picture.

A bitter row has broken out between one of Sydney's largest tourist pubs and a family of five who accused chefs of serving human excrement in their gelato after they complained about noise during a football match.

Ok. I really didn't want to write this because it's so fucking stupid it makes me want to punch myself in the dick but the whole time I read this article, in my head, all I heard was: Domo arigato for this gelato. I'll show myself out, thanks. Anyway, could you imagine serving someone your shit for complaining about noise? I guess that's what you get when you found a continent by filling it with felons.

State government food minister Ian Macdonald confirmed on Wednesday that frozen fecal matter had been found in a serving of chocolate gelato offered to placate pub patron Steve Whyte and his wife Jessica, who became "violently ill" after eating it.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa fucking hold on a minute. Frozen poo? So this was a turd they had in the freezer, for just such an occasion? And no shit [sorry] she got sick after eating it. It was poo! I love the descriptor "violently" while talking about illness. It makes me imagine her simultaneously projectile vomiting and projectile diarrhea-ing and like, knocking people over with the power of the streams. This in turn makes me hungry, which reminds me that it's almost lunch time. Hurray! And if you're the husband, how do you not just like immediately go on a killing spree? They just made your wife eat their shit! I think in situations like this murder is not only justifiable as revenge but also necessary.

"The stench went through my nostrils, I retched and spat it into the napkin," Jessica Whyte told the Daily Telegraph newspaper, recounting what local media are calling "gelati-gate."

Can we please stop calling every fucking controversy "something-gate"? It doesn't make any fucking sense! The name of the goddamn hotel was Watergate. It didn't have anything to do with water? When did this start anyway? It makes me fucking furious. So please stop or I will be forced to continue to sit here being pissed off. And no one wants that, do they? [looks furiously at kewpie dolls on desk while shaking fist] And if you're going to have to call this "something-gate", why would you go with gelati-gate and not like "poo-gate" or like "fro-turd-gate"?

The pub has denied serving excrement to the Whyte's after they complained they were unable to hear a televised football game due to loud music, with both the chef and restaurant manager volunteering for DNA tests to prove their innocence.

...

What? DNA tests? Can you do that with poo? Also like how would that prove their innocence? They could have gotten the poo from anywhere and froze it. Some random person could have left a floater and they could have pulled it out and froze it. Your defense is FLAWED sirs! FLAWED!!!

Macdonald said DNA analysis would now be done to determine if the sample was of human or animal origin as police and food authorities investigate the case.

Why does it matter what kind of shit was in the gelato? Isn't that kind of beside the point? My bet is that this Ian Macdonald character wants any reason he can to play with shit. Kinky bastard.

"Obviously, we are keeping an open mind and do not want to pre-empt this investigation in any manner," he said.

Oh ok, so he's decided to just say things. Regardless of whether or not they actually mean anything or don't make any sense whatsoever. Awesome. My kind of guy. Not like that. I mean... shut up!

The eastern Sydney hotel is standing by staff and on Tuesday said its own lab tests on the chocolate gelato tub had found no evidence of contamination.

Like I said earlier, this logic and line of defense is so stupid and flawed its almost not worth addressing. Almost. Just because you found no evidence of poo in the fucking chocolate gelato tub doesn't mean there wasn't frozen poo in their freezer and they didn't put it in this one lady's cup you stupid roofuckers! That's it, I'm done!

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm Forkin' Awesome!

Hi. I'm Fredrick McKaney. I am a soldier. I am a ninja. My methods are unorthodox, and my weapons even less orthodox. Meet Tiney (When you see his picture you will understand that I am also a wordninja):

And now I'd like to introduce you to Iron Mike:

And here's my ninja whips:

I use Tiney for stabbin', and Iron Mike for beatin. And I use Pinky, pretty obviously I guess, to get from point A to point C. Point C because I'm ridin' that shit so fast I done knocked over point B and gave each hump a squeeze like they were a pair o' tit-tays! Vroom Vroom bitch!

A man accused of stabbing his mother with a fork and attacking a second woman with 10 pounds of frozen chicken has pleaded guilty to one count of felonious assault. Frederick McKaney, 40, entered the plea Friday in Jackson County Circuit Court. Prosecutors dropped additional assault, larceny and other charges.

They forget to mention I also plead guilty to being totally fucking rad and incredibly well endowed...AND failed to mention that I'm a black belt in forkrate, the art of using the fork as a weapon for stabbing and violent acts similar to stabbing.

Prosecutors said McKaney stabbed his mother with a fork June 23 and later exchanged words with another woman as he rode a stolen bicycle. They said he hit her in the head with a plastic bag of frozen chicken, opening a wound that required five surgical staples to close.

Yes I introduced my mom to Tiney. She asked! She didn't ask to meet him, per se. But she did ask some stupid question and it pissed me off! So I stabbed the bitch! As for Iron Mike, bitch asked me to give her some chicken, she didn't ask me to prepare it for her and serve it to her like a meal! I was just delivering it straight to her skull! And sure maybe I borrowed Pinky from my sister's daughter, but I was going to give it back! Shit. A man can't borrow a bicycle?

McKaney will be sentenced Dec. 11. He faces up to four years in prison and a $2,000 fine.

Don't think so! Ninja stealth mode. Activate!

[disappears in cloud of smoke]

You Can't Arrest Me! I Was Just An Inebriated Urolagnian!

Look. A lot of nasty things are being said about me right now. Accusations about things done to piss off friends.

A 36-year-old man took revenge on his roommate after she refused to have sex with him by allegedly urinating on her dog, police said.

No. No no no no. Well. Yes. But not like that. Yes I tried to have sex with my roommate. And yes I urinated on her dog. But it wasn't like I was pissed -heh- at her. I was upset. I got hammered, ended up fucking the dog. What can I say, I was an inebriated urolagnian! You can't arrest me for that shit! Wait. What? Fuck. Whatever. You think I meant to do that shit? How many times have you been at the bar, blind drunk, and taken home some dog? I just went the literal route with that shit bro!

Police said the man was arrested early Thursday morning on tentative charges of criminal damage to property and disorderly conduct related to domestic violence.

Phew. Thank God the dog can't talk and tell them about the other stuff we did. Not bad, by the way. I know you were wondering.

According to police reports, the man was drunk when he argued with the woman. After she resisted his advances the man went to the basement where he urinated on her dog and the floor.

Wrong! We argued then when she rejected me I went and got shitty. Super shitty. Hence the thing with the dog. And yes we got some on the floor. It's not like I've got super aim and the dog has like fucking super-absorbent fur that puts bounty to shame or something. Haven't I been punished enough? This is how my morning went:

Oh shit. Man I am hungOVER. Let me tell you right now, I don't even know what went on last night. Man that girl was good, whoever she was. heh. Fuck Melanie. Or rather who cares that I didn't fuck Melanie. Or whatever. Christ I need some alka seltzer. Let's get a look at this broad.



[turns over in bed to peer at partner]

Oh. Fuck. Shit. What do I do? I don't have and dog food! Hey Miffy. You up for it again?

Somewhere, A Dan Brown Novel is Brewing.

Now, if you find yourself in a position to commit a crime and you know there is a good chance you will be caught, aside from the obvious idea of maybe not committing the crime, the other less best idea is to have a brilliantly well thought out explanation for whatever it is that you're doing. An even lesserest best idea would be to come up with a story so bats it sounds like the plot of Dan Brown's next book(may he rest in peace).

It wasn't the preferred way to enter the Knoxville Museum of Art, but Richard Anthony Smith told police he was on a mission. The 25-year-old Knoxville man called 911 from his cell phone before dawn Wednesday saying he was trapped in an air conditioning duct leading from the museum roof, Knoxville police spokesman Darrell DeBusk said.

A man on a mission. This man:

Police and firefighters reached the roof, found a rope and cable and followed them to a vent shaft. Peering inside, they spotted Smith about 45 feet down.
"Mission failed," he told them.

Now I'm sure you are sitting there assuming either his mission was to fix their air conditioning or to make his way into the museum to find his roots, hoping to find some ancient tribe of androgynous perv-y looking cavemen or whatever. But no, it's an art museum, dummy, that latter idea doesn't make any sense. The girlish man you see above this text is actually...

Hoisted up and read his rights, Smith told police he was a "special agent from the United States Illuminati, badge number 0931" and had rappelled onto the museum from a helicopter, a police report said.

...retarded. If he had said special agent Dale Cooper, I'd have been on his side, maybe. Also, when he told them his badge number, did he present them with some kind of badge? Or when concocting this plot was he just like, "Well, if I give them a specific badge number, they probably won't even ask to see the badge." Also, this plot was well thought out enough to have you helicoptered in but there was no one other than the police to call to get you out of there? And you'd think someone in the Illuminati would be enlightened enough to work his way out of an air conditioning duct. But so let's just indulge him, because why not. What exactly was your mission, Ace?

He said he was following orders to "defuse and confiscate" a Soviet-made nuclear warhead, specifically a "MERV6SS-22AN" warhead, according to the report. The bomb supposedly was hidden in a blue, plastic cow sculpture in the museum basement, he said.

...

...

...

Because Knoxville Museum of Arts is in cahoots with the Soviets! You can't just go through regular channels like the police or like a curator or something. And besides, everyone knows there's no basement in the Knoxville Museum of Art!!! I wonder if the temptation is, as the arresting officer, to march this guys stupid ass down to the basement and literally kill the shit out him with a plastic blue cow, or if you just call him an ass clown and arrest his attempted burglarizin' ass. Pop quiz hot shot. There's a bomb in your blue cow. What do you do? What do you do?

However, Smith told officers his "agency" called while he was in air-vent limbo to say it made a mistake and the bomb might be in a Memphis museum instead.

What's funny is that when his agency called while he was in air-vent limbo (?) is that there's no explanation as to why he wouldn't have been like "Oh hai! btw I can has halp to gets outta hair vent?! K Thx Bai." And yes, the Illuminati invented Lolspeak, and is run by ceiling cat. Was there ever any doubt?

Police charged Smith with aggravated robbery. He was being held on $2,000 bond at the Knox County Jail. Authorities said he did not have a lawyer.

Smith then went on to say the whole agent thing was just a cover story. In truth he'd been having a helluva hard time getting tickets to Mary Lee Bendolph's Gee’s Bend Quilts and Beyond Exhibit and figured the only way he'd ever see it was to break in. Because like who doesn't fucking love quilts?

Aren't You a Little Old to be Cheerleading?

Let's say you have a kid when you're 18 years old. You'd probably feel like you lost part of your childhood. Well, if you're interested in getting back on that high school pommel horse around age say, 33 - when your kid is 15 and living with your mom in a different state, you're going to have do a better job of acting than Wendy Brown. Also maybe try not to bounce the check you send in for your cheerleaders uniform. And also stealing your daughter's identity is kind of fucked up anyway. But so here we go folks!

A 33-year-old woman stole her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading squad, according to a criminal complaint filed against the woman.



According to the complaint, Brown wanted to get her high school degree and become a cheerleader because she didn't have a childhood and wanted to regain a part of her life that she'd missed.

Now, I'm no law-ish know-y type smarty-pants, but... can't you get your high school degree regardless of your age? And as for the cheerleader thing... well honey, judging by your mugshot, you weren't going to cut the mustard even in your prime.

Also, let's say this had all worked out and she was on the cheerleading squad, you know she'd just lust after the QB of the football team and be knocked up again before prom, so like, why bother?

Brown allegedly attended cheerleading practices before school started, received a cheerleader's locker and went to a pool party at the cheerleading coach's house.

"Wow, you sure are old looking for a cheerleader!" "Thanks, yea. I totally never get carded buying beer. If they even think about asking me for an ID I just show them my stretch marks!" "Yea, awesome! I... wait, what the fuck?" "OOoooh listen it's the new Jonas Brothers song! They are so dreamy" "Yea totally, they are so totes hotties." Is this how high school girls talk? I went to an all boys catholic school so I'm treading in unfamiliar waters, but, well, I'm pretty sure they're all that stupid. Anyway, I can't imagine how this plot started heading south...

The $134.50 check Brown gave to the cheerleading coach for her uniform bounced, the complaint said.

Whoops! And what's a 15 year old doing with a check book to begin with?! and if you don't even have 135 bucks in your checking account... shouldn't you fucking know it? Like, I can picture a check for like, 5 grand bouncing because you didn't realize you had moved some money into your savings or something, but that's an amount small enough that if you have less than that in your checking account, you probably shouldn't be spending that shit on cheerleaders outfits.

A high school employee, Kim Demeny, told authorities that the woman, posing as the teen, seemed very timid. Demeny said she told her she was not good at math and even cried when she talked about moving from Pahrump Valley High School in Nevada. Demeny said she looked older than a student but had the demeanor of a high school girl.

A few things here. How much does it add insult to injury that they're like "Yea, I mean, she looked way old, but totally acted like a 15 year old so we were torn." Also, bad at math? Yea, I think you covered that in the opening sentence when you said a "woman" was arrested. and how bad must that suck to go back to high school and still be one of the dumb kids even though you're almost 20 years older than them? It's like Billy Madison all over again.

A school liaison officer started investigating after Brown only attended the first day of classes last week, the complaint said.

So she's going to sneak into the high school and then cut classes? I guess she was trying to be one of the bad-assed kids. I bet she smoked in the bathrooms too. And I bet when she did, the other bad-assed girls were like "Wow, maybe we should quit. I don't want to look like that girl, she looks forty." "Thirty-three you little bit..I mean, come on, I'm totally awesome, who else loves Iggy Pop and James Dean?" "Umm, like, who?"

Assistant Principal Dirk Ribbins later learned Brown's daughter was enrolled at Pahrump Valley High School. Ribbins also spoke with Brown's mother, who told him she had custody of the girl. She said Brown has a history of identity theft crimes, the complaint said.

She also tried to steal the identity of her daughter in the past to get free snacks at pre-school, but that plot was foiled pretty early on, due to reasons I hope are obvious.

Brown made her first court appearance Friday by video conference. The judge set bond at $8,000.

I always wonder how the price for one's bond gets set. I mean, they know she bounced a check for 135$. Why not set the bond for like, $150? Just seems arbitrary and mean, but maybe that's just me, I'm a nice guy.

If convicted, she could face up to six years in prison and a $10,000 fine.

WHAT!? That's some bullshit right there. I mean, in the end her crime was pretty harmless, no? Is it because of all her priors or what? Like, its not like she used someones identity to buy a plasma TV and a car or something, she just loves to dance and party! This justice system is dumb. Also... going back to being a high school cheerleader... this all seems so very familiar and I can't place why...Oooooh wait.

She's obviously a big Twin Peaks fan! Forget everything I wrote! I love this woman! Those drape runners are going to be SILENT!!!!!!

Heart Transplant Patient Heroic, Murderous

Andrew Busskohl underwent heart surgery at the age of 14, a procedure that saved his life and allowed him to live like a "normal" kid.

Unfortunately, the heart in question used to belong to this guy.

Busskohl, 18, has been charged with two felony counts relating to a break-in attempt. But police say he was up to something more sinister: a murder plot that involved cutting out the victim's heart or slicing off his eyelids.

Cutting out his heart...or slicing off his eyelids? So, like, he hadn't decided yet? Doing both of those things would be too mean? I don't get it.

Well, this kid get's released on $100,000 bail and goes right back to his house...a few blocks from the incident. And the family gets a lawyer, apparently a slick-talking uppity Manhattan type, or just a Midwesterner that loathes his own kind:

"The Woodbury police are excited because they got something that's more serious than a cat up a tree," says Friedberg.

When a statement was released by the local police voicing their displeasure of Friedberg's quote, he replied,

"Fuck you, Maybury."

So and all these Willbury-ans have apparently been so crime-free that even an attempted crime puts their community into a tizzy.

Residents say they survey their homes before entering, secure their windows and check behind curtains and other household items once inside. Once rarely used, alarm systems now are on constantly.

Oh, and um, I guess I should tell you the "crime" that actually occurred to cause the arrest and midwest yokle-steria and the CNN article. He broke a window.

Busskohl was planning to return to that shattered window in the next couple of days for an easy entry, one without commotion, according to the criminal complaint filed against him.

Hehe, easy entry, hehe. We got a sly one on our hands here, huh?

I've got it! I'll just break his window...then, barring an unseen event, say, him noticing that his window is broken, I'll return to his home days later where, instead of a window there'll be a big gaping hole...pefect for easy entry...hehe, "easy entry," hehe...

So how did Mr. Busskohl get caught by the police? His friend snitched on him.

"Mr. Eischens stated that Mr. Busskohl told him that he had come up with a plan on how to murder someone," the complaint says. "Mr. Eischens stated that Mr. Busskohl wanted to find an adult male who lived by himself and within walking distance of the defendant's house."

Tha's fucked up, man. I mean, maybe not as fucked up as planning to cut out someone's heart or slice off their eyelids, but...you know...still pretty fucked up.

And that's a pretty odd "mark" for an 18 year old heart patient. I get the walking distance from your home part (I didn't have a car as a teen either, all of my victims were in roller-blading distance), but this is what our would-be murderer looks like:

Creepy, yes, but not exactly intimidating. And here is his victim:

Who ya got?

Anyway, so the main claim from Friedberg is that the meds were making this kid all looney toons, which is kinda fair when you consider he was taking 10 different uppers, downers, and all-around-towners and this is what he had to say to the police when they confronted him:

"I'm not even sure I would have gone through with it."

How hilariously awesome is that?!? "Meh, I was only like 75% sure I was going to cut the dude's heart out. I mean, I didn't even start digging a shallow grave yet, so...I mean, it was all kinda tentative."

So maybe this was all just the crazy ramblings of an unwitting perscription dope fiend? Maybe he never really planned on doing anything and everyone should just suck his ba--

According to the criminal complaint filed this month, authorities obtained a search warrant for Busskohl's car and found a swim cap, black gloves, latex gloves, scrubs, gauze, an address card with Fratto's name and address, a map to Fratto's house, shoe covers, a pry bar, a black mask, two bags, one knife, two flashlights, one set of tweezers, two pairs of scissors and one scalpel.

Ok nevermind.

Fratto says it was difficult to grasp when police first informed him of the alleged plot. Standing in his backyard, he pointed into the air. "What bothers me is: If you throw a rock, he's about four blocks away."

"Fortunately," continued Mr. Fratto, "if you don't throw a rock, he's about 20 miles away. I've been asking neighbors to refrain from throwing rocks...y'know, just for a few days at least."

I Guess It Must be Vengeful God's Shift

I said thou shalt not STEAL, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Yes, that's what I think God looks like. Anyhoo...

Michigan authorities say a shoplifting suspect died after being crushed in a trash compactor where she was hiding.

Wouldn't it be great if this was the way it always happened? Like, some douche cuts you off in traffic and his car immediately bursts into flames and runs off the road?

Mmmmmm...a girl can dream.

The Eaton County sheriff's department said two women fled a Lansing-area TJ Maxx discount store after spraying a security guard with Mace.

Yeesh...at least they she could've died trying to hold up a bank or something...a TJ Maxx hold-up isn't exactly something where you're like, "we may not make it out of this alive." Oh, and

WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY DOING HOLDING UP A TJ MAXX DISCOUNT STORE?

Really? Is the $17.25 they have in the register really worth risking jailtime, or worse...karmic death by trash compactor?

So there were two ladies involved in this stick-up, one who was immediately found hiding behind the trash compactor. Heh, everyone probably thought she was the stupid one...for a few minutes.

Shortly afterward, authorities got a call about a woman trapped in the trash compactor.

Uh, yeah hello, 9-1-1? Um, yeah, either a rat has learned English or there's a lady trapped in our trash compactor. Did we turn what off? Oh, the trash compactor? No. Heh, that woulda been pretty smart, huh? What? Oh, I work here at the TJ Maxx. What do you mean, "that makes sense?"