Who Are You To Tell Me How I Get Paid?

If I run a business, and I want to accept payment in the form of punches to the face, who the fuck are you to tell me I can't? Ethics are for suckers, man. Laissez-faire capitalism bro! Leave me be! Or let's say I'm a lawyer, and I want to accept payment in the form of like, I don't know, nude dances. Who are you to tell me I can't? Oh, the Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Commission? Hmmm... seems like that's a group I maybe should have hypothetically been aware of... before all this hypothetical nude-dance-as-payment unpleasantness...

An attorney has been suspended for more than a year for accepting nude dances from a stripper as partial payment for the legal fees she owed him.

[Scott] Erwin, who practices in the northern Illinois city of DeKalb, and his client mutually agreed that she'd perform nude dances for him in his office as a way to reduce her legal fees, the commission's report said. He credited her for $534 toward his bill for services of various legal matters, the report said.

It's not like he was waiving her fees or anything. Partial payment! I wonder if it had been phrased differently, if then it would have alright. Like, "You know what Candi? I like you. I like you so much I'm going to give you a little discount. Here, I'm knocking five hundred bucks off my fees. Just because I'm such a nice guy." "Oh wow thank you! You are such a sweety. Here, you just sit back because I am going to grind my scantily clad hepa-gina all over your slacks."
See? It's not payment, it's more like a thank you card in the form of a lap dance! Hey, maybe I should be the lawyer. Also, "various legal matters" ? You can't have all this stripper talk and not mention what he was representing her for in the first place! Cocktease-y fucks.

The Illinois Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Commission on Thursday said Scott Robert Erwin will begin serving a 15-month suspension for misconduct next month.

Come on, you know the dude's rollin' in cash money! All you're doing is forcing him to take a little vacation! Big whoop! Also when reached for comment about the IAR&DC had ruled, Erwin replied, "The what? Oh fuck, that's what IAR&DC stands for?"

While she agreed to the performances, the client contended he touched her inappropriately during those dances, and she went to police in 2002 with sexual assault allegations.

Bitch is getting half a grand knocked off her legal fess and she's going to complain about the guy who's also representing her? Talk about biting the hand that stuffs singles in your G-string. So what if he cops a feel, he's all that's standing between you and... like, whatever the fuck your problem was in the first place. Also, I have no experience on this matter, but how weird would it be to hear a sexual assault case for something like this? You're the judge, and there's a girl trying to prosecute a guy for sexual assault:

"He grabbed my breasts your honor!"

"Didn't you say you were nude, gyrating your genitals on his groin and rubbing his face between your breasts?"

"Yes, but then he touched them...with his hands!!!"

"..."

Erwin denied any inappropriate touching happened, and he was never charged criminally, the report said. He declined to comment on the panel's decision Thursday. The woman no longer works as a stripper, the report said.

Except for that earlier comment I totally didn't just make up. Also, good for her! A nice little happy ending to that story. Because it's important to remember that even if you're a stupid obnoxious whore, you can go on to do anything!

Shotgun Geniez Theatre for The Performing Arts - UPDATE

What started out as a discussion about a loophole in Iowa that let people dance naked in "art centers", even though indecent exposure laws prevent all-nude strip clubs, turned into a discussion that was more about a Sheriff's underage niece sneaking into a strip club, getting up on the bar and stripping...

Iowa doesn't have any all-nude strip clubs - but it does have performing arts centers where women dance naked.

However, the loophole in the state's public indecent exposure law that allows nude dancing at "art centers" is under attack in the small community of Hamburg, a town of 1,200 just across the Missouri River from Nebraska.

This is why I propose changing all strip club venues to "Art Centers". Des Moines All Girl All Nude Art Center. "If you like your sugar plum fairies grinding all up on your nuts, we promise not to crack them!"

The case pending before a Fremont County judge effects only one business in Hamburg, but if he agrees with the prosecutor, it could eventually threaten the legal standing of nude dancing clubs across the state.

District Judge Timothy O'Grady heard arguments in a one-day trial on July 17 and took the case under advisement.

My only hope is that the judge takes his time to weigh the gravity and severity of this case. I don't care how much tax payer money needs to be spent, and I don't care if it takes months! This issue needs closure before I can rest easy... or go to Des Moines with hundreds of dollars in singles.

It all began on July 21, 2007, when a 17-year-old niece of Sheriff Steven MacDonald climbed up on stage at Shotgun Geniez in Hamburg and stripped off her clothing. Owner Clarence Judy was charged with violating Iowa's public indecent exposure law.

Shouldn't the issue start with how she got into the Shotgun Geniez in the first place? And also couldn't they explain what the hell Shotgun Geniez is supposed to mean?

Judy responded that the law doesn't apply to a "theater, concert hall, art center, museum, or similar establishments" devoted to the arts or theatrical performances. "Dance has been considered one of the arts, as is sculpture, painting and anything else like that. What Clarence has is a club where people can come and perform," said his lawyer, Michael Murphy. Murphy noted that the club has a gallery selling collectible posters and other art, and it provides patrons with sketch pads.

These are all excellent points Judy. If Ambrosia wants to perform her art, and her art includes dancing with a pole taking off her underpants in addition to her bra, who the hell is Fremont County to tell her that having singles shoved into her soon-to-be-removed G-String is any less an art than a Miro painting? Also what kind of strip club provides patrons with sketch pads?

Nonsense, said Fremont County Attorney Margaret Johnson, an underage girl danced naked at the club, and that's illegal.

Umm... touche', Margaret... You may very well have a point there. But should age really be a factor, when it comes to art? It seems kind of rude to think that if you are 17 years and 364 days old you are unable to perform your art because of one silly little square on a calendar, no? I mean sure maybe you have to be 18 or older to enter Shotgun Geniez All Girl Revue... But shouldn't people of all ages be able to go to Shotgun Geniez Theatre for Performing Arts? And furthermore shouldn't people of all ages be able to express themselves at said theatre?

"Are you saying that minors can't be protected? Can a group of 12-year-olds come down and go in and dance nude and it's OK? I don't think that's what the Legislature had in mind when it made those additional provisions," Johnson said.

Well I don't think anyone is paying you to interpret those additional provisions, ya bitch.

Johnson said the intent of the law is to allow movies in a theater where there's brief nudity or for an art gallery displaying paintings of nudes.

In a movie = ok. In person = Illegal!!!! Still photo = ok. Moving Person = Illegal!!!

Murphy said Judy bans anyone under 18 from entering the five-year-old business. The problem, he said, was "a group of girls snuck in a 17-year-old."

That's a fair point too. I mean, it's a private business. If you want to lose customers due to factors like age, so be it. Just saying not a great way to make money and shit.

"While she was there, she felt like dancing so she got up and danced on the stage and then she took her clothes off. Trouble with that is she's the sheriff's niece," he said.

Yup, trouble was that she was the sheriff's niece. Not all that other stuff like the underage and indecent what have you's.

As part of his defense during trial, Murphy cited a 1998 ruling that found nude dancing is a form of art. In that case, the owner of the Southern Comfort Free Threatre for the Performing Arts in Davenport was charged under the public indecent exposure law for allowing nude dancing. A judge found owner not guilty.
The current case deals only with Judy and Shotgun Geniez, but there could be an appeal if either side loses.
Johnson said that would take it to the Iowa Court of Appeals and perhaps the Iowa Supreme Court. That would make it a statewide case that could affect dozens of other clubs in the state.

See? Change the name and everyone wins! Especially the creepy perverts in Des Moines!

UPDATE - S-U-C-C-E-S-S, that is how you spell success!

A judge Friday ruled in favor of a nude dancing club owner charged with violating Iowa's indecent exposure law.

Fremont County Judge Timothy O'Grady said prosecutors failed to prove the club wasn't a theater. Iowa law allows nudity at theaters, museums and other venues devoted to the arts or theatrical performances.

Judge Timothy O'Grady, or as I like to call him, Jesus, is 100% right and 150% awesome. Don't you dare tell Candi that her dance to Cherry Pie isn't art. She'll stab you with a stilletto, and you don't want to know where that stilletto's been.

The county's attorney, Margaret Johnson, charged club owner Clarence Judy after a 17-year-old girl climbed on stage at Shotgun Geniez in the tiny town of Hamburg and stripped off her clothing.

That's Shotgun Geniez Theatre for the Performing Arts, Hitler.

"I think it's a little scary," said Johnson, who emphasized that the girl was still a minor.
The club was sold Monday to Terry Rutledge. He expressed confidence that nude dancing would remain legal, referring to a 1998 case in Davenport that found it an art.

Yea, well, I think you're a whore. But no one's paying either one of us to think, so here we are. Except obviously in your case where I guess it's pretty clear there needs to be some thinking on your part to do your job. Other than that we're whore twinsies! Hmmm... it seems I no longer have any idea what I'm talking about. Better press on.

"In all actuality, you don't have to be a theater hall, concert hall or anything. You can be a strip club that has nude dance," Rutledge said.

What he really means is that the difference between Miro and a 17 year old girl stripping to Pour Some Sugar On Me is razor thin, my friends. Razor thin.

So sleep soundly everybody. The good guys won.

Reason #2,453,976 the South Lost the Civil War

The city of Lavonia, GA just spent $1 million dollars at a strip joint.

I know what you're thinking: fucking sweet.

But they didn't spend the money on 200,000 lapdances, or even 50,000 trips to the "Boom Boom Room." They bought the whole damned place.

I know, you're still thinking: fucking SWEET.

Yeah, they bought it to shut it down.

You did WHAT?!?

The town of Lavonia could have used nearly $1 million to pay off the bond fund for a water treatment plant upgrade. Instead, officials bought Cafe Risque, which they have long tried to shut down.

I love that even the guy reporting on this for MSNBC thinks these people are fucking retarded. But seriously, a small town in Georgia somehow gets their hands on $1 million (maybe Lil Jon was visiting and forgot his wallet in the hotel or something), and they take a look at all their options for spending the money:

1. Pay off Bond Fund for Water Treatment Plant Upgrade
2. Build new High School sports center for the kiddies
3. Pay for experts to come in and deal with Giant "Baby Stealer" Rat infestation
4. Get rid of the town nudey bar

Nice choice, assholes...

Lavonia's mayor got a standing ovation when he announced the deal at a meeting earlier this week. Crews took down the signs advertising it and burned them in a large bonfire at the strip club site, near a major highway.

Oh the backwoodsy-ness of it all. Of course these southern fried hicks were going to work a bonfire into the mix somehow. And, less noticeable in the quote is the fact that the strip club was near a major highway, AKA nowhere near the actual podunk bumblefuck backwards ass darky hatin' (assumedly) town that spent a cool milli to get rid of it.

Oh, and to the quilt club attending, no-sex having dried up old Vajayjays who annoyed the shit out of the mayor until he coughed up a million dollars to close down this strip club: he wouldn't have had to do shit if your beer swilling husbands weren't spending 75% of their paycheck from their gig repairin' Mack Trucks on lap dances from Minny, the 57 year old stripper who, until recently, worked at the Cafe Risque.

Sorry...I have a headache this morning and this article just pissed me off so...yeah. I'm gonna go poop now.

"The Last Thing Your Feet Hear Before They Die PART 2" or "Make it RAIN on Dose Nucky Hos"

As we last left our intrepid hero in Part 1, he was winging his way to British Columbia with Pac Man Jones, Ricky Williams, and some hot chick named Manuela to find out why so many 'Nucky feet were washing up on the shore, and if one of those feet was Manuela's husband.

2 AM, at the "Loose Lips" strip club in British Columbia, Canada. Pac Man Jones has just returned from the bar with $7,000 in singles. Berbs and Ricky Williams just finished sharing a small marijuana cigarette. Maunela sits, uncomfortable.

(For the purpose of me being lazy, all conversations will be written in script form, and Pac Man Jones will heretofore be referred to as RainMan, Ricky as SnoopRickyRick and I guess I'll just stay Berbs.)

RainMan: CheckItCheckItCheckItCheckItCheckIt, yo listen my man's and 'em wuz wonderin', right--

Berbs: No, Pac Man. We are not running a train on Manuela.

RainMan: Awwww c'mon man! If we ain't gonsta have no fun in Canada, den why da FUCK I'm here, man?!? Ricky, I KNOW you wanna run trIZn-ain on dat ass, am I right?

SnoopRickyRick (head surrounded in what seems to be constant smoke cloud, ala PigPen from Peanuts): Wha-Huh?

RainMan: N****, you useless.

Berbs: C'mon man, let's concentrate here, people are getting foot-capitated out there and--

RainMan: Oh CheckitCheckItCheckItCheckItCheckIt-Watch-wha-I'ma-do...bout to make it RAIN up in this piece!!!

Berbs: Really? Again? I mean, I get it, it looks neat with all the money coming down and everything and I guess the stippers all think you're really cool, but--

RainMan: ShhhplaDOW!!!

Pac Man Jones releases all 7,000 $1 bills into the air, with a precision and grace that is at once awe-inspiring and really sad that he's gotten that good at it. Dollar bills swirl around the entire club, creating a blizzard of currency.

RainMan: Oh SHIT!!! YEEEEEAAAA BOYYYYEEEEEE! Look-a I done did!

Berbs: Pac Man, you ASS, I can't see shit! Ricky, where you at, man?!?

SnoopRickyRick: I'm right here.

Berbs: Pac Man--

RainMan: Fuck rain, I'm makin' it MONSOOOOOOON up-in-dis-bitch!!!

Berbs: Pac Man--

AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!


Berbs: ADAM JONES!!!

The club goes silent. Suddenly and inexplicably, the dollar bills abandon their slow, graceful glide downward and plummet as if they were made of lead.

RainMan: Why you gotta fuckin' harsh my mellow, n****?!? Damn. My mama don't even call me Adam no more.

Berbs: Listen! We don't know how much time we have until this creep strikes again, and we have another foot washing up on the-- hold on...where's Manuela?

RainMan: ManIownknow.

Berbs: What?!? Ricky, did you see--Holy shit!

SnoopRickyRick: Wha-Huh?

Berbs: You're feet!

SnoopRickyRick: Maaaan, you be trippin' when get like-- HOLY SHIT MAH FUCKIN FEETS!!! WHERE DA FUCK MY FEETS IS AT?!? AAAAAAHHHH MY FEEEEEEETS!!!


TO BE CONTINUED...AGAIN...