You Can't Arrest Me, My Life's Punishment Enough!!! (Berbalerbs Edition)

A 37-year-old man who lives with his parents was arrested on a felony assault charge after he used a Christmas tree as a weapon in an attempted attack on his father, according to a sheriff’s report.

That particular publication is INCORRECT in its assessment of the situation that took place in my domicile...rather the domicile of my parental units.

While it is accurate that I did propel a Christmas Tree toward the general vicinity of my father, we were simply playing our annual game of "tree toss," a long-standing tradition in my family ever since I was 17 and I woke up in the middle of the night to my father standing over me hoisting our Christmas Tree into the air and repeatedly slamming the trunk into and around my head and face area. After some reconstructive surgery, father explained he was simply playing "tree toss" and that I had done a substandard job in catching said tree.

Now again, as we've done for the past 20 years, we were playing tree toss and all of a sudden several officers of the law appeared at our front door. This unexpected visit must've sent my father into a tizzy, because he began to scream "that's him officer! Arrest him before he kills me!" The officers (quite understandably) mistook my father's cries and brought me to the floor with extreme prejudice.

According to an arrest report, Lackie lost his temper around 9 p.m. Wednesday and threw a 3-foot-tall Christmas tree at his father.

If my intent were truly to do harm to my father I'd have surely chosen a far easier weapon to wield. After all the tree was 3 feet tall!!! What do I look like, a level 17 Fighter with +7 Constituion and a 3d6 Strength bonus roll in melee conflicts? I mean come on.

The tree missed,

As I've explained on my blog, my wrist has been injured as of late, partially due to exhaustion from...using my wrist...too much. It wasn't my most formidable round of "tree toss" ever, I'll admit.

Lackie then tried to use the steel base from the tree to strike his father.

Ok, so yea that happened. But he called me a little girl!!! Wait...actually, he made fun of my virginity and my job at Blockbuster Videos, then I tried to hit him with the steel base, then I whimpered when I couldn't lift the base all the way up, THEN he called me a little girl.

Now if you'll excuse me, officer, I've really got to run. On a bit of a deadline, you see. I have to finish the creation of 250 new Sporns by midnight tonight or I'll not be invited to hunt Icetusk Mammoths with the half-elves who work at the Kinkos next to my Blockbuster.

...

Wait, actually come back...just...just kill me. Just fuckin' kill me!

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm a Dog, Dawg!

Hewwo. I'm Dwake. I'ms a fwee year owd Wabwadoa wetweivah. I is a good dawgie, but cwoss me, and I will fuck you up.

A man who was accidentally shot by a 12-gauge shotgun on Saturday after his dog jumped into a boat is recovering. Matthew Marcum's legs and buttocks were injured in the bizarre incident and he was taken to Legacy Emanuel Hospital & Health Center in Portland.

Oopsies! Dwakey made a booboo uhohs! Sort of like when you were gone for a whole fucking day and didn't leave the goddamn toilet seat up, Marcum, you fat, bullet riddled fuck. I mean, I dinint mean to shoot you Mattywatty! Dwakey's not a bad dawgiewoggie. Sowwy I huwted your buttsies :(

Marcum's father, Henry, said his 23-year-old son was about to tie up an 11-foot open aluminum boat, when his 3-year-old Labrador, Drake, jumped into the boat.

Try and leave me behind, I'll show you. "Oh, Drake probably doesn't want to go fishing on this boat, he's content to sit on the dock and lick his own balls." Guess what fuckstick, I just finished licking my own balls! Bet you thought since we don't have opposable thumbs we can't operate guns! Guess again shit-for-brains! I mean, Oh noes! Dwakey's jumpin to the boat! Arf Arf! Oh noes I don't see any gun! Bark Bark BLAM MOTHERFUCKER! Next one's going into your FUCKING FACE!

Matthew Marcum said his dog, Drake, is a good dog and he isn't upset with him.

Awww... Him's a good boy.. Dwakey wouldn't huwt a soul... watch your fucking back Marcum. NOW WHERE'S MY FUCKING SNAUSAGES?

You Can't Arrest Me! I Need to Eat All This Jesus!

Great with hummus!

Hi there. Do you know what communion is? Or more specifically, transubstantiation? It's when the Priest at a Catholic Mass actually becomes Jesus and changes the bread and wine into the body and blood of Jesus Christ. Now. The reason it does not taste like raw meat and blood is because of transubstantiation. Things are made up of two... well, things. Matter and substance. So like when you do origami and make a swan out of a piece of paper, you've changed it's matter. It is a swan, but it is still a piece of paper. When the Priest becomes Jesus, he changes the substance of the bread and wine. So they are now the body and blood of Jesus Christ, while still tasting like delicious crackers and Carlo Rossi. No seriously, this is what we Catholics believe. Yes it's all in the bible. No I won't tell you where. Shut up for a second and listen. Yes, I'll hold. Now with that out of the way, you can now hopefully understand why I've got to take all this Jesus meat (substance) and jet!

Police in Florida said they arrested a Connecticut man after he tried to steal communion wafers during a church service. The Martin County Sheriff's Office said a 33-year-old man was cornered by fellow churchgoers when he grabbed a handful of wafers from the priest during communion services Saturday.

What was I doing in Florida you may be asking yourself. Well if there's one thing us Catholic folk know, it's how to have a good time, and Jensen beach is a good time. Anyway, so you see, you can't arrest me! If I'm guilty of anything it's loving the taste of delicious Jesus too much! Shouldn't he be arrested for being too tasty? I wonder what kind of punishment would go with the crime of being too delicious... Oh right...

The Stuart News reported that the man was being held down by six or seven offended parishioners when deputies arrived at St. Martin de Porres Catholic Church in Jensen Beach.

Well, I guess I should jump right in here and admit that yes, I am a huge pussy, and yes, I was subdued by six old men. But honestly - what's to be offended about? I love the taste of Jesus.

Police say two parishioners, ages 82 and 61, received minor injuries in the scuffle.

Nothing makes you feel like a man more than beating on someone twice your age and someone almost three times your age. Like I said, I'm a huge pussy, so I'll take it where I can get it. And if beating the elderly in a church is a crime well then I guess I'm just guilty as charged... oh fuck.

The man was charged with two counts of simple battery, theft and disruption of a religious assembly. He was being held Tuesday on $2,000 bond at the Martin County Jail.

Ah well, that's alright. Toilet wine is about a hundred times better than Carlo Rossi anyway.

You Can't Arrest Me! I Just Had to Judge this Wine and this Vicodin!

Order in my court! Hey. Hey yous overrrrrrrrrrrrr there! hey! Lookit. I'mmmmmmmm Hey! What do we go here. You sirrrrr are an abomilation of this courts!

A former municipal court judge says he took Vicodin and drank wine before holding court in Bridgewater and Bound Brook.

Hey! Whaddare you talkin bout mister! I dinint do anysing. Get me anozzer wine lady. I mean. Order in this court! Don make me bang this gabbel. HAHAHA I counin bang a gabbel. Hahahaha bang.

Richard Sasso testified Monday during a hearing on judicial misconduct. He's facing censure and a permanent ban on holding a judgeship.

I object! You cand censure me! I thought censurship was fucking illegal! I know my fourth amendant rights! I judge that shit I'm facing to be totally lame ! Anddddddd I hereby sentence it to stop being a dick and shit. And excuse me judge reinholmes

But why don you shut the shit up.

Sasso resigned in January, citing health reasons.

Nuh uh! Then why am I here in court you fat fuck? Lookit mah robes bitch! Judge Judy all up in ya grillpiece cracker! Hahaha what am I saying! I'm talkin like those guys I prostitute harsher than people my color! Hahahaha. Health reasons shmealth reasons. You wanna know what newstory? I never liked you anyway. I just decided that wine and vicodin are better when you use them in comforts of you own hey whats are we talk bout now? Order in this court you.

In March, he was accused of being under the influence while on the bench and disorderly conduct at a Bound Brook go-go bar.

Why don you go-go fuck yourself. I was judging those ladies. Thaz my job you cock! And those girls were totally begging to know what was under my robes. Bang this gabbel ya whores! Anyway, I godda go take a piss. Case Dispissed! Hahaha cuz I have to piss. Cross examine this witpiss! I sentence me to go the toilet immediately! Hahahaha I'm off to make a depissition.

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm Forkin' Awesome!

Hi. I'm Fredrick McKaney. I am a soldier. I am a ninja. My methods are unorthodox, and my weapons even less orthodox. Meet Tiney (When you see his picture you will understand that I am also a wordninja):

And now I'd like to introduce you to Iron Mike:

And here's my ninja whips:

I use Tiney for stabbin', and Iron Mike for beatin. And I use Pinky, pretty obviously I guess, to get from point A to point C. Point C because I'm ridin' that shit so fast I done knocked over point B and gave each hump a squeeze like they were a pair o' tit-tays! Vroom Vroom bitch!

A man accused of stabbing his mother with a fork and attacking a second woman with 10 pounds of frozen chicken has pleaded guilty to one count of felonious assault. Frederick McKaney, 40, entered the plea Friday in Jackson County Circuit Court. Prosecutors dropped additional assault, larceny and other charges.

They forget to mention I also plead guilty to being totally fucking rad and incredibly well endowed...AND failed to mention that I'm a black belt in forkrate, the art of using the fork as a weapon for stabbing and violent acts similar to stabbing.

Prosecutors said McKaney stabbed his mother with a fork June 23 and later exchanged words with another woman as he rode a stolen bicycle. They said he hit her in the head with a plastic bag of frozen chicken, opening a wound that required five surgical staples to close.

Yes I introduced my mom to Tiney. She asked! She didn't ask to meet him, per se. But she did ask some stupid question and it pissed me off! So I stabbed the bitch! As for Iron Mike, bitch asked me to give her some chicken, she didn't ask me to prepare it for her and serve it to her like a meal! I was just delivering it straight to her skull! And sure maybe I borrowed Pinky from my sister's daughter, but I was going to give it back! Shit. A man can't borrow a bicycle?

McKaney will be sentenced Dec. 11. He faces up to four years in prison and a $2,000 fine.

Don't think so! Ninja stealth mode. Activate!

[disappears in cloud of smoke]

You Can't Arrest Me! I Was Just An Inebriated Urolagnian!

Look. A lot of nasty things are being said about me right now. Accusations about things done to piss off friends.

A 36-year-old man took revenge on his roommate after she refused to have sex with him by allegedly urinating on her dog, police said.

No. No no no no. Well. Yes. But not like that. Yes I tried to have sex with my roommate. And yes I urinated on her dog. But it wasn't like I was pissed -heh- at her. I was upset. I got hammered, ended up fucking the dog. What can I say, I was an inebriated urolagnian! You can't arrest me for that shit! Wait. What? Fuck. Whatever. You think I meant to do that shit? How many times have you been at the bar, blind drunk, and taken home some dog? I just went the literal route with that shit bro!

Police said the man was arrested early Thursday morning on tentative charges of criminal damage to property and disorderly conduct related to domestic violence.

Phew. Thank God the dog can't talk and tell them about the other stuff we did. Not bad, by the way. I know you were wondering.

According to police reports, the man was drunk when he argued with the woman. After she resisted his advances the man went to the basement where he urinated on her dog and the floor.

Wrong! We argued then when she rejected me I went and got shitty. Super shitty. Hence the thing with the dog. And yes we got some on the floor. It's not like I've got super aim and the dog has like fucking super-absorbent fur that puts bounty to shame or something. Haven't I been punished enough? This is how my morning went:

Oh shit. Man I am hungOVER. Let me tell you right now, I don't even know what went on last night. Man that girl was good, whoever she was. heh. Fuck Melanie. Or rather who cares that I didn't fuck Melanie. Or whatever. Christ I need some alka seltzer. Let's get a look at this broad.



[turns over in bed to peer at partner]

Oh. Fuck. Shit. What do I do? I don't have and dog food! Hey Miffy. You up for it again?

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm Naked Super Market Santa!

Ho Ho Ho! Merry Shopmas! Soon I'll be coming to a Super Market near you to spread Shopmas Cheer! Hopefully I won't have any more "incidents".

It wasn't unusual that the burglary suspect caught in northern England wasn't wearing a mask.

Oh Ho Ho Ho! I was not robbing the fine folks of Pemberton! I'm naked Super Market Santa! I was coming to deliver gifts my naked little elves spent all year making. Naked Transformers, Naked Garbage Pail Kids, Naked My Buddy and the lot.

But in this case he wasn't wearing anything at all. Greater Manchester police say they found the naked man trapped in the chimney of a supermarket in the town of Pemberton around 5:30 a.m. Wednesday.

Yes well what can I say? Children leaving out all those cookies and all that full-fat milk. Santa's needs a whole lot of full-fatt-y milka to wash down those EL Fudges. I sometimes save them and offer them to my elves upon my return as a sort of fucked up joke. They never appreciate it, oh well. Now where was I? Ho Ho Ho! So yes I got stuck in that tiny Pemberton chimney, I'm afraid it doesn't seem to have been designed with the portly in mind.

Police have no idea how the man got into the chimney, but they speculate that some of his clothes may have come off while he struggled to extricate himself.

Ho Ho Ho! I'm afraid my naked reindeer fled the scene. They do hate the sound of sirens so very much. And no speculation is needed about my clothes! All you need to do is ask! Then you may sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Shopmas, as I gently caress the underside of your legs and buttocks with my writhing Shopmas-snake. Then you shall the beauty of this sacred Holiday!

The fire service was called in to free the 22-year-old, who was taken to hospital as a precaution.

22 year old? Ho Ho Ho! You flatter me with your words, but we all know I, Father Naked Shopmas, am far, far older.

The man, not yet identified by police, was later arrested and jailed.

Yes I'm afraid I do not have any identification as such, though I do have a map of the North Pole tattooed on my scrotum! You can't arrest me! I'm Naked Super Market Santa! Boys and girls! Don't let them take me away or your naked build-a-bears and naked Diego the Animal Rescuers shall be homeless! Ho Ho Ho!

You Can't Arrest Me! I Don't Think You're Ready for This Jelly!!!

Hi. I'm Robert Williams, Junior. I've got 99 problems. Here are a few of them: Jay Z, the police, Vaughan Dumas, driving, and standing up my girl!

A Detroit-area man faces a variety of charges after nearly hitting a patrol car and telling police that singer Beyonce was waiting to meet him in New York, authorities said. The man, 33, of Macomb Township, Mich., was detained early Sunday after driving in a "reckless manner" in a parking lot and nearly striking a parked patrol car, said police spokesman Vaughan Dumas.

Why is this such a huge deal? Beyonce and I are in love. Crazy in love. I'm ready for that jelly. Umm.. she said the signs are obvious. She said she wanted to be with me. She's my naughty girl. You'd be driving in a reckless manner too, if you had this waiting for you:

If you're wondering how a body could somehow be too bootylicious, look up.

The spokesman said police found a teddy bear and flowers that the man said were meant for the singer inside his car.

Yes, they were meant for her, and I'd appreciate it if you'd not ruin any more of the romantic surprises I have in store for her. For example, please don't tell anyone I plan on covering her in jelly and shouting "I'm ready for this jelly!!!" before I repeatedly stab her and play around in her blood.

"He didn't threaten her or anything," Dumas said. "It was just his claim that he was going to meet her."

Ummm... uh hehe.. maybe skip that last bit I wrote...

The man reportedly refused to leave his car when ordered and asked police for directions to Detroit before taking off again. He was arrested a few minutes later and charged with reckless driving, speeding, interfering with an officer, failure to obey an officer's signal and failure to obey a stop sign.

I was also charged with being dangerously in love. Beside I had to try. She was waiting for me at the GWB! What am I supposed to do, obey the law? I always just thought stop signs were a like, suggestion.

The man was released on $5,000 bail and taken to a local hospital for observation, Dumas said.

At the hospital I was diagnosed with a number of things: being fancy, being a nasty girl, being too bootylicious, and eczema. Not that any of it matters, I'm a survivor. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to stop. I'm going to work harder, because damn it I'm a survivor. I'm going to make it. I will survive, keep on surviving.

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm a Ground-Dwelling Herbivore!

You can't arrest me! I'm a ground-dwelling herbivore!

A man who went to buy cigarettes in a gorilla suit to win a bet with his girlfriend is now being accused of receiving stolen property. Altoona police said they noticed a 20-year-old man walking down the city's Sixth Avenue just after midnight on Wednesday dressed as an ape.

Whoa whoa whoa... back that shit up mon frair. I am not a man in a gorilla suit. I am a gorilla. I used to roam the forests of Africa until I was brought over to America to be put in a zoo. I escaped, and have had to fend for myself ever since that fateful day 12 some odd years ago.

[masturbates, throws semen on you]

Since I've been on the lam, I've had to try my best to be a model citizen and yes, I've taken up smoking. People used to make me and my friends smoke at the zoo for their amusement, and now I'm the asshole for getting hooked? Look, I've been a stand-up character since I took up residency in Altoona. I even got a job in insurance. Here's me at the office!

[defecates, throws turds at you]

So you see, you can't arrest me. receiving stolen property? I don't even know from stolen property! Most I ever stole was a banana.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go rock the fuck out. PEACE.

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm a Stove!

Yes I shot that bitch, and I hope she burns in hell!

A woman said she was shot in the leg by her stove. Cory Davis told the Peninsula Daily News she had just stoked her cast-iron heating stove Sunday when she heard a loud bang and was struck in her left calf.

Like I said, I admit it. I shot her. Fuck that bitch. The things I've had to put up with, had to witness. Here I sit, warming her home, and how am I repaid? I get jabbed with sharp metal objects. Have you ever had a red hot poker jammed into your maw? Yea, I didn't think so.

Davis said a case of shotgun shells spilled about a month ago at her home and one must have landed in the newspapers she used to light the stove.

Yea, that's what she thinks. But what's she going to do. Even if I admit it, you can't arrest me! I'm a fucking stove! I'm like the ultimate killing machine, in a way. Anyway, you should see the men she brings home and has relations with, right there in front of me! This woman has spent more money on bondage shit than you could shake a stick at. And getting me involved in her sick, twisted fantasies! To say this woman is into the flaming amazon is an understatement.

She removed a metal fragment herself and was treated Monday at Forks Community Hospital.

Next time it'll be in her stupid whore face. No one suspects the stove. No one...

You Can't Arrest Me! I Just Want to Hug It Out Bro!

Bro. Dude. Come on dude. Bro, don't arrest me. Come on dude. Brah. Dude looked like he needed a hug. Come on bro. Let's just hug it out, do a couple jager bombs and forget this shit bro.

A hug has landed an Iowa City man in hot water. An Iowa City man who thought a police officer just "needed a hug" faces several charges including assault on a peace officer and public intoxication.

Dude I was fucking shithoused bro! Cop was being gay and I told him he needed a hug and shit. It was awesome! Dude was all "get away" and I was like "Come on Officer Needsahug, get that shit out. Don't be such a homo and just fucking hug a bro." Dude I was soooo wasted. Officer O'Nofun was not having any of that shit bro.

Police said a 21-year-old man was arrested on Saturday. According to police records, the man ran up to the officer and stuck out his arms.

Yea, I ran up to the dude because he was looking fucking lonely bro! Yes I was fucking super twisted on fucking vodka sodas and some serious jager bombing, but bro was fuckin' dying for a little bro-love. I stuck out my arms in bro-salutation style Holmes! I didn't know they added to their motto and made it To Protect and Serve and be a Fucking Dick bro.

When the officer told the man to put his hands behind his head, he refused. He was then handcuffed.

I refused to put my hands behind my head because it was Hug It Out time bro! Fucking Officer McGayballs was being a total shitfuck. What are they going to charge me with, being an awesome dude? Because fucking guilty as motherfucking charged, son! Also can I get my one phone call? My mom is going to be like so fucking pissed at me.

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm a Domesticated Ungulate!

Look, I know what you're thinking, Middletown: Uh Oh, Michelle is back on the pipe. Well guess what. I'm not. You think I wanted to go through a magical transformation into this bovine creature you see before you? I didn't. I didn't ask for this shit, but here I am.

Police in Middletown made a rather bizarre arrest Monday night, taking into custody a woman dressed in a cow suit who was seen acting erratically. Michelle Allen of Middletown was arrested on one count of disorderly conduct for allegedly getting in the way of traffic on Wilbraham Road and chasing children in her cow suit.

You can't arrest a cow for being a cow! How you gunna play me like that? Yea I disrupted traffic, I'm a cow! Just point me in the direction of the nearest field and be on your way! And yes I was chasing children, but those little fuckers were trying to milk me! That is for me and my babies. You do not touch my udders without permission.

She also urinated on a neighbor's front porch, police say.

Of course I pissed on his porch. Where you want me to piss, the toilet? I'm a domesticated ungulate, not a super domesticated ungulate! I piss where I piss. I told you, get me back to my grazin' field or you are going to be lookin' at some seriously nasty cow pies on your porch next.

According to police, Allen talked back and threatened to cause problems in the jail if she was arrested.

You bet your humanoid ass there would be problems! Thems aint no threat. That shit is fact, mon frair. How you gunna put a cow in jail? I'm-a need some grass patches and ample space for roaming and cow-pie leavin', and you talking bout a small-ass cell.

Allen appeared in court Tuesday morning dressed in the suit.

What part of magical transformation don't you get, motherfucker?

It is not clear why she was wearing the costume.

What I tell you?! Look at me, fuckface! I aint no costume-wearin loonytoon! I'm a boner-fied domesticated motherfucking ungulate. UNGULATE I SAY!! You about to have a cattle beast all up in your grill fucking your porch up Bos taurus style.

MOOO MOTHERFUCKER!

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm a Lycanthrope!

Now I know what you're thinking, San Jose: Oh brother, he's on the PCP again. Well, guess what, assholes, I don't think any side affect of PCP includes feeling extra lupine. Hey, what's that? Is that wolfsbane? Fuck off with that shit! I need to feeeeeeeed. What do you mean I'm acting bizarre? You're talking like this is the first time this has ever happened to someone!

Just outside the California-Hawaiian Mobile Estates at 10:45 p.m., officers responded to complaints of a man "howling at the moon and acting bizarre,'' according to police logs.

I guess it could seem bizarre to a small minded human, but I've got werefeelings! And now you've gone and hurt them! We werefolk are just like you! We like to hang out, have a good time, pound a few brews (one of our few weaknesses is the silver bullet), and sometimes fuck shit up old school.

Police say a man allegedly high on PCP had damaged the inside of someone's trailer in the mobile home park and was "out of control.'' The man was taken to Valley Medical Center, and booked on suspicion of vandalism and of being under the influence of PCP.

It is irresponsible to blame my wereactions on PCP. Sure I was taking PCP, but I'm a werewolf. Occasionally we need to howl at the moon and fuck up some trailer parks. It's called science, dickweed. Look it up.

I didn't ask to be born a werewolf. It was not a choice. My mother made some bad decisions with a malignant sorcerer's football team (let's just say it gave whole new meaning to the saying "those kids ran the train to Hogwart's") and 9 months later I came along, furry and furious with an insatiable appetite for destruction and extra rare meat.

I'm sorry if part of my werewolf religion consists of smoking PCP and breaking your shit, ok? I can't help it. You guys have driven me nuts with your judgements. Fuck this, I'm leaving and going back to Branham High.