Real News Now Getting Ideas from Text from Last Night

Drunk man calls 911 to report pot stolen

I tried really hard to find an appropriate picture of a drunk idiot on the road or something to add to this post, but oddly enough, if you type in "drunk" or "drunk idiot" into google image search, you find largely pictures of scantily clad women. And you also find guys passed out on the floor with lots of hilarious things drawn on them in sharpie. Or covered in gravy mix, apparently:

Anyway, the actual story is pretty much summed up by the title... except of course the guy wasn't at home or something... he was driving.

SALEM, Ore. - Oregon police have charged a man with drunk driving after he called 911 to report his marijuana as stolen but the dispatcher couldn't understand him because he was vomiting while on the road.

Marion County sheriff's deputies say 21-year-old Calvin Hoover, of Salem, told dispatchers early Tuesday that someone had broken into his truck and stolen cash, a jacket and a small amount of marijuana while he was at a tavern in Salem.

He then called 911 again to complain that deputies had not arrived, but the dispatcher had trouble understanding Hoover because he was driving and stopping several times to vomit.

I don't think I've ever had a thought to call the police about anything - luckily I've never had occasion to call the cops for any reason, but holy hell how stupid and/or hammered must you be to do that. I can't even comprehend the state of mind. He called 911 to report his drugs stolen, then called AGAIN when it seemed like they weren't coming in a timely fashion. I also can't imagine having that much knee-jerk reaction to anything gone missing. Also, doesn't the tavern have some kind of responsibility to not let this asshole get in his car? And was he there alone? What 21 year old goes to a bar without several friends and hopefully a DD? Seriously, if I went back in time and saw myself going to bar solo, I would point at myself and laugh. Then the 21 year old me would probably see me, thus creating some kind of time paradox that would make the universe implode.

So if the universe implodes, you'll know why, and you'll know that Calvin Hoover is to blame, for inspiring me to invent the time machine.

You Can't Arrest Me! I Just Had to Judge this Wine and this Vicodin!

Order in my court! Hey. Hey yous overrrrrrrrrrrrr there! hey! Lookit. I'mmmmmmmm Hey! What do we go here. You sirrrrr are an abomilation of this courts!

A former municipal court judge says he took Vicodin and drank wine before holding court in Bridgewater and Bound Brook.

Hey! Whaddare you talkin bout mister! I dinint do anysing. Get me anozzer wine lady. I mean. Order in this court! Don make me bang this gabbel. HAHAHA I counin bang a gabbel. Hahahaha bang.

Richard Sasso testified Monday during a hearing on judicial misconduct. He's facing censure and a permanent ban on holding a judgeship.

I object! You cand censure me! I thought censurship was fucking illegal! I know my fourth amendant rights! I judge that shit I'm facing to be totally lame ! Anddddddd I hereby sentence it to stop being a dick and shit. And excuse me judge reinholmes

But why don you shut the shit up.

Sasso resigned in January, citing health reasons.

Nuh uh! Then why am I here in court you fat fuck? Lookit mah robes bitch! Judge Judy all up in ya grillpiece cracker! Hahaha what am I saying! I'm talkin like those guys I prostitute harsher than people my color! Hahahaha. Health reasons shmealth reasons. You wanna know what newstory? I never liked you anyway. I just decided that wine and vicodin are better when you use them in comforts of you own hey whats are we talk bout now? Order in this court you.

In March, he was accused of being under the influence while on the bench and disorderly conduct at a Bound Brook go-go bar.

Why don you go-go fuck yourself. I was judging those ladies. Thaz my job you cock! And those girls were totally begging to know what was under my robes. Bang this gabbel ya whores! Anyway, I godda go take a piss. Case Dispissed! Hahaha cuz I have to piss. Cross examine this witpiss! I sentence me to go the toilet immediately! Hahahaha I'm off to make a depissition.

News Media Agrees: 5th Times a Charm, DWI-wise

So there's a news story out about a gentleman who was polite to his arresting officer. I know what you're thinking: That hardly qualifies as news, really. Well guess what, I'm bored and it's a slow day, interesting news-wise, so here we are. Just sit back. Relax. Take off your pants. Unwind a little. Have a drink. Feather your bangs. Think about your dad. What's your dad like? I want to meet that dad!



What? Oh. Hi, sorry.

Do you have some booze you'd like to share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?

Instead of having a hostile reaction, a driver offered his thanks when officers pulled him over on suspicion of drunken driving for a fifth time.

Which might lead one to think: Maybe he learned this is the proper approach after being pulled over for DWI's FOUR FUCKING OTHER TIMES?! This is like a story where a kid who gets left back is then able to pass a test he had previously taken, except like he took a dump on it after he filled in all the right answers. Or something. I guess what I'm trying to say is like who fucking cares how polite he was when he was being arrested for a DWI for the 5th goddamn time?

A criminal complaint quoted 52-year-old David Hyland of Plymouth as saying, "Thank you very much for everything you've done for me" after he was stopped early last Friday.

Unfortunately, he wasn't talking to the cop. He was talking simultaneously to the beer in his hand and his penis.

The complaint says he added, "I shouldn't have been driving and deserve to get caught."

Like, congrats? Great? Oh look, he knows he fucked up, again. Let's pat him on the back about it! But in all seriousness for trusies, don't you think that maybe this guy has had a little practice on what to say and what not to say upon being arrested for DWI? I imagine it was a progressive learning experience.

First time:

Cop: Excuse me sir, have you been drinking tonight?

David Hyland: No Officer, you can even ask your mother, because I'm actually coming from her house, where I just finished having an efficient session of sexual intercourse with her. She even let me ejaculate on your high school yearbook photo!

Second time:

Cop: Excuse me sir, have you been drinking tonight?

DH: Excuse me officer, have you been sucking cock tonight? Your breath smells like cock.

Third Time:

Cop: Excuse me sir, have you been drinking tonight?

DH: No, why? You trying to pick me up? You want to take me out for a drink? I'm so lonely. Are you lonely? Rub my leg a little, if you're lonely.

Fourth Time:

Cop: Hi David. Drunk again?

DH: Umm... no? I mean yes? I mean whats the answer I give to not get cold cocked or arrested? I better write this down.

After he failed field sobriety tests and registered a blood-alcohol level of 0.14 percent, or over the limit of 0.08 percent, he told officers he knew he had been drinking too much to drive.

It's a good thing he told the officers he knew he had been drinking too much to drive, otherwise they would have had no idea! What with all the field sobriety tests and the blood tests and the what have yous. I just find it so odd that like, someone being polite while being arrested for their fifth DWI is somehow news worthy. Like who fucking cares, get back to me when he starts calling lady officers sugar tits and goes on rants blaming the Jews for all the worlds wars.

Maybe the Best Thing Ever

Be sure to watch all the way through. This guy at Shea was drunk and passed out and the people in his section did the baseball game equivalent of drawing wieners all over his face.