Jeez, ANOTHER Disembodied Head in the Shark Tank Story...

**Sigh**

Well, you know it's a slow news day when I'm blogging about mundane shit like a picture of a floating head being spotted in the shark tank at a British aquarium.

I know. Yaw-fucking-n.

IT’S just what you’d expect to see in a snap from an aquarium. A shark, blue water — and a disembodied HUMAN HEAD.

Oh I should mention this story is coming from the reputable high-end British publication The Sun, and, accordingly, is stylistically comparable to a 12 year old's Youtube comments.

This story is currently sharing space with headlines like "Daniel Lloyd's hot and naked" and "Mum had sex with lad aged 14." Just so you know.

So the pic is here. (those limey wankers won't let me grab the pic, so CONGRATS you bad-teeth having fucks, here's your link)

This illustrates a point that I think about when I'm high sometimes...The inter-webs have completely destroyed my sense of wonder and/or belief and sprinkled salt on the earth so that no new wonder and/or belief may ever grow again. I saw the photo and shrugged my shoulders. "Meh, definitely a fake. I mean, look at the guy's goofy expression! He totally KNEW he was going to be super-imposed at the bottom of a shark tank. Totally."

Dentistry student Emma, of Doncaster, only spotted the ghoulish face when she arrived home. She said: “My boyfriend said, ‘what’s that?’ I replied, ‘it’s a shark’.

To which her boyfriend replied "OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU STUPID BITCH YEA I KNOW IT'S A FUCKING SHARK I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FUCKING HEAD IN THE WATER OH MY GOD I KNEW I SHOULD'VE KILLED YOU ON THAT CAMPING TRIP, THAT OTHER COUPLE WE MET SAW HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU ARE, THEY WOULDA BACKED ME UP ON MY 'SHE WANDERED OFF A CLIFF' EXCUSE OH MY GOD I HATE YOU."

“He said, ‘no, the face.’

Same diff.

"I was like, oh my God! It actually looks quite spooky. I’m easily freaked-out.”

I'm going to go ahead and say my version of the boyfriend's response was closer to what The Sun claims.

Oh, and maybe it's just me but I don't feel like I'd need to make an excuse for myself being freaked out at a disembodied head chilling in a shark tank. That's like if someone saw 4 people mauled by a chainsaw and was all "I'm terribly sorry I just get a little shaken up around blood. Quite embarassing, really."

Boffins at the aquarium admit they are baffled by the appearance of the man’s face, which appears to be gawping up at a shark

Um...[sic][sic][sic][sic][sic][sic][sic][sic][sic] whaaa? Boffins? Gawping? Jesus Christ, if you're going to use our language at least learn to SPEAK IT, fuckin' ham boiling sons of bitches.

So, according to God, "boffin" means "scientist" and "gawping" means "gawking" because we totally needed an additional word for it. I'm surprised shark isn't something like "jinkywankadillyaquathing."

Now I don't want you getting any crazy ideas like the head belonging to a murdered boffin or something outlandish like that. It's probably just a ghosty.

The aquarium – on the banks of the Humber estuary – was built on the site of an isolation hospital, where smallpox victims were held.

When asked if it might be the spirits of hospital patients that died on the grounds, boffin Nigel Billywinkle said, "it could possibly be the smallpox patients. Other possibilities would include the group of 45 people killed here last year in a Satanic ritual meant to open a portal from this world into the next. But it could possibly be the smallpox patients."

A night watchman claims to have spotted a shadowy figure in the TimeLine, which charts the history of the world’s oceans.

(Dismissive wanking motion) Oh, ok boss, let me look into that right away (more dismissive wanking) hey, we got any witnesses who can beat a 6 year old in a spelling bee? No? Ok then. I guess we'll go on the leads we have, then (wank wank wank)

Colin Brown, chief executive of The Deep,

The Deep here is a reference to the aquarium exhibit, not my upcoming straight-to-Redtube featurette. By the way, keep an eye out for The Deep, starring me, a couple of "18" year olds and a LOT of Jesus juice.

Colin Brown, chief executive of The Deep, said: “We are a scientific centre and we’re sure there must be a logical explanation."

Ok then...

"It’s just that we can’t find it."

Right. Well, if you've never heard a boffin say something fucking stupid, here ya go! This just proves that everybody's ignorant. This is on par with a Fundamental (get it?) Christian saying the earth is 4000 years old regardless of the ridiculous amount of scientific evidence pointing to the contrary.

"There must be some sort of optical illusion or reflection of images between the window, but we cannot figure out how it has been done.”

"In conclusion, we have no scientific explanation for this, but we guarantee you that there's a scientific explanation for this. Because sometimes when it comes to science, you just gotta close your eyes and believe, regardless of what you observe. (Wikipedia's "science") Oh. Hm. Well, this is a pickle isn't it?"

Science is Helpful, Gross.

So they'll give you an award for anything. Science that is. Science the idea is doling out awards left and right apparently. Cancer research? Nah, how about you get back to me on the affects of soda on sperm counts. Oh you did? Great. How about ovulating strippers? Perfect! Here's your award!

Deborah Anderson had heard the urban legends about the contraceptive effectiveness of Coca-Cola products for years.

Well Deborah, I pray to God you, instead of saying who gives a flying fuck - like any normal person should, went ahead and spent serious time and money investigating this.

So she and her colleagues decided to put the soft drink to the test. In the lab, that is.

The system works!

For discovering that, yes indeed, Coke was a spermicide, Anderson and her team are among this year's winners of the Ig Nobel Prize, the annual award given by the Annals of Improbable Research magazine for oddball but often surprisingly practical scientific achievements.

...

So, anyone want to explain how this is practical? I can see it all now: more and more teenage pregnancies resulting in kids not knowing that Coke doesn't = condom. Unless it does... hmmm.... tell me more!

Anderson, a professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Boston University's School of Medicine, and her colleagues found that not only was Coca-Cola a spermicide, but that Diet Coke for some reason worked best. Their study appeared in the New England Journal of Medicine in 1985.

Please note nowhere does it explain how Coca-Cola is a spermicide. Like does it lower your sperm count? Do you just dip your wiener in a cup of Coke pre-coitus?

"We're thrilled to win an Ig Nobel, because the study was somewhat of a parody in the first place," said Anderson, who added that she does not recommend using Coke for birth control purposes.

Oh good, so it was a fucking joke to begin with. Glad we got that wrapped up. Money well spent people, congrats on your prestigious award. Moving right along...

Geoffrey Miller's work could affect the earning potential of exotic dancers everywhere.

Oh boy. Here we go. Now this could be important. Get your singles ready people, I've got the feeling this is going to be awesome.

Miller, an associate professor of psychology at the University of New Mexico, and his colleagues knew of prior studies that found women are more attractive to men when at peak fertility. So they took the work one step further — by studying earnings of exotic dancers.

Ummm.. ok? I'm still with you... sort of... Please go on?

In the 18 subjects Miller studied, average earnings were $250 for a five-hour shift. That jumped to $350 to $400 per five-hour shift when the women were their most fertile, he said.

First off: ew. But there you have it, sluts. Make sure you work your shifts around your ovulations, because that's where the real money is... whoa wait... average earnings for a 5 hour shift = $250? Why wouldn't anyone be a stripper? I mean besides the fat and/or hideously and improbably deformed. But still, holy greased poles batman. I should be a stripper. And learn how to ovulate. And move to New Mexico. Oooooooh or I could be a scientist. Here's how my interview at the New Mexico Center for All things Science-y and Shit would go:

"Do you have your degree?"

"Nope, don't need one."

"Why's that?"

"Well I plan to study strippers sir, and I've done what you could call, extensive interning to gain maximum experience in this area. Though none for college credit."

"Strippers, eh? What about them that's so important? You don't think your knowledge would be better put towards AIDs or Cancer or SIDs or something?"

"Well like I said earlier, I don't have any science-y type degree, but instead what I had been subtlely hinting at was that I spend several hours in strip-clubs, so this would be perfect for me."

"Well great then, you're hired. Make us proud."

"I will... is it cool if I get all my petty cash in singles?"

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm a Lycanthrope!

Now I know what you're thinking, San Jose: Oh brother, he's on the PCP again. Well, guess what, assholes, I don't think any side affect of PCP includes feeling extra lupine. Hey, what's that? Is that wolfsbane? Fuck off with that shit! I need to feeeeeeeed. What do you mean I'm acting bizarre? You're talking like this is the first time this has ever happened to someone!

Just outside the California-Hawaiian Mobile Estates at 10:45 p.m., officers responded to complaints of a man "howling at the moon and acting bizarre,'' according to police logs.

I guess it could seem bizarre to a small minded human, but I've got werefeelings! And now you've gone and hurt them! We werefolk are just like you! We like to hang out, have a good time, pound a few brews (one of our few weaknesses is the silver bullet), and sometimes fuck shit up old school.

Police say a man allegedly high on PCP had damaged the inside of someone's trailer in the mobile home park and was "out of control.'' The man was taken to Valley Medical Center, and booked on suspicion of vandalism and of being under the influence of PCP.

It is irresponsible to blame my wereactions on PCP. Sure I was taking PCP, but I'm a werewolf. Occasionally we need to howl at the moon and fuck up some trailer parks. It's called science, dickweed. Look it up.

I didn't ask to be born a werewolf. It was not a choice. My mother made some bad decisions with a malignant sorcerer's football team (let's just say it gave whole new meaning to the saying "those kids ran the train to Hogwart's") and 9 months later I came along, furry and furious with an insatiable appetite for destruction and extra rare meat.

I'm sorry if part of my werewolf religion consists of smoking PCP and breaking your shit, ok? I can't help it. You guys have driven me nuts with your judgements. Fuck this, I'm leaving and going back to Branham High.

When I Agreed To Donate My Body To Science, This Isn't Quite What I Had In Mind

Or is it?

Pushing the boundaries of science, researchers injected dye and latex into 14 cadavers to find the boundaries of four deeply seated facial fat compartments. All in the interest of making you more beautiful, of course.

Seriously? Isn't there cancer to be cured? This is what scientists are doing? You go to med school for 8 years so you can fuck around with dead bodies to make peoples cheeks fatter? This is why other countries hate us.

The research revealed that volume loss in those fat compartments results in the hollow look of aging, the researchers say.

Hey fat face! You look so young!

So, could pumping up those compartments make you look like, say, Angelina Jolie?

OOOOOOOOOOhhhh, I don't know could it?! Tell me more about your experiments on dead people's faces How pretty will it make me?!!!!!!

"Cheeks are vital to what we consider beautiful — from chubby-cheeked infants to Hollywood stars like Angelina Jolie," said study co-author Joel Pessa of University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center. "This research breaks new ground by identifying the boundaries of specific fat compartments that are key to facial rejuvenation involving the cheeks, and as a consequence, the overall look of the face."

Oooooooh! Make me look like a chubby faced infant! God forbid I look my age! Thanks science! I'm Angelina Jolie! OUTTA MY WAY!!!!!

But wait! There's more.

But wait, there's more.

"Restoring these compartments also improves volume loss under the eyes, helps eliminate lines around the nose and mouth and gives more curve to the upper lip, all of which restore a more youthful appearance to the face," according to a statement from the center.

Thank Christ for the Texas Southwestern Medical Center, which is I believe the sister center to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College. These nice men are here to help you, liney face.

By now, you're either looking for a place to sign up or you are chuckling at the cheekiness of it all.

CHEEKINESS!!! YOU FUCKING GENIUS WORDSMITH YOU!!

But the study is part of a booming business in "injectable fillers," the artificial and sometimes natural stuff that "can plump thin lips, enhance shallow contours, soften facial creases and wrinkles, or improve the appearance of recessed scars," according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS).

Note to self: get into the injectable fillers business. Injectable Fillers: The new pogs? Ron Popeil was so ahead of his time.

Fat is big these days, and getting bigger. Plastic surgeons did 47,000 fat injections in 2007 and 1.1 million injections with "hyaluronic acid," which the ASPS says is "a natural substance found in our bodies that is well suited to plump thin lips and fill facial creases." It's in skin, cartilage and other tissue, and the FDA approves it as an injectable filler.

"You look so youthful, is that fat and hyaluronic acid?" Doesn't the FDA have more important shit to do than determine whether the shit you're injecting into your face is safe? It would be awesome if they were just like, "Fuck it; If you're dumb enough to get fat and acid injected into your face, who are we to tell you whether or not it's safe."

Among the targets for all this plumping are men, who, according to a December 2007 study in the journal Dermatologic Therapy, are "more timid" about procedures for facial rejuvenation. "Only with the advent of minimally invasive procedures such as Botox and fillers have men begun to participate in cosmetic treatments," the researchers of that study wrote. What do men want with injectable fillers? Wrinkle ablation, volumization and sculpting facial contours.

Oh, men are dabbling in idiocy as well? You don't say.