If You're Going to Get Robbed In Uganda, You Might As Well Get Laid First

If you're anything like me, you've spent plenty of time on the continent of Africa, having sex with strange women. And so if you're anything like me, you've woken up several times in landlocked countries in Africa, completely naked, wondering where all your possessions are. Well guess what, chump. You got knocked the fuck out. Wondering how? Well, let's just say that motorboat you were on was filled with poisoned fish. Hmm... That might be the stupidest and most poorly executed attempt at a chloroformed ta-tas metaphor ever written. Let's just say that motorboat was booby trapped? Whatever. You got knocked the fuck out by some tit-tays!

Uganda’s police warned men of a ‘booby trap’ after a probe found that a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious.

Yea, so maybe I stole the 'booby trapped' thing from the article. Sue me [please don't sue me]. Anyway, isn't this rather bond-esque? It seems incredibly elaborate for a simple robbery. Couldn't they just club the guy and drag him somewhere and steal his shit?

Police officers have discovered victims of the attacks naked with all their possessions stolen by the gang, who use the women to lure their prey and rob them when they fall unconscious after intimate activity.

See what I mean? These ladies must be aching for it. Why else would they go through all that trouble. I'm also not exactly sure how this works. Do they at least get laid before all there shit gets stolen? If the lady's cans are soaked in chloroform, how does she not knock herself out? Isn't she breathing that shit in the whole time?

Fred Enanga, a spokesman for the country''s Criminal Investigations Directorate, has warned all men, and particularly travelling businessmen who tend to carry more cash than locals.

Man, that must suck. But who the hell is doing business in Uganda anyway? "I was in Uganda for the big multi-media conference and got that old tinglin' in my balls. You won't believe what happened next!" Could you imagine some happily married guy getting caught screwing around because he was robbed by the chloroform knocker gang? I mean, yea. You're obviously a shitty guy if you're cheating with whores in Uganda, but still. "Honey, can you wire me some money? I was robbed." "Oh no! Are you alright?! What happened?!" "..."

"They apply this chemical to their chest. We have found victims in an unconscious state.
"You find the person stripped totally naked and everything is taken from him. And the victim doesn''t remember anything. He just remembers being in the act of romancing," he added.

They apply the chemical to their chest...then what? Then what!? Give us the juicy details! I want all my news articles related to boobies to read like erotica god damnit!

Enanga added that the police had first came across the practice last year, when they apprehended a thief called Juliana Mukasa, whom he described as "a very dangerous lady."

A very dangerous lady, with two even more dangerous accomplices.

I'd like to end this article by pointing out that whenever stories like this pop up, I wonder if I'm the only one who always imagines these women to be incredibly attractive. I mean, I guess it's just easier for the mind to picture women who are using their breasts as weapons as hot, even though in fact most prostitutes are anything but.

I Don't Know How Much N700,000 Is, but Please By All Means Take it Back

We here at the Gallimaufry are taking a trip to Nigeria to bring you this little gem of a news item, where it seems the housewives are maybe even a little more desperate.

A housewife, Mrs. Bola Williams, who resides at 11, Olawoyin Street, Palm Avenue, Mushin, Lagos, has been arrested by the police, for allegedly burning the penis of her houseboy, John, an 18-year-old Togolese, in a bid to recover her N700,000 allegedly stolen by the teenager.

There are so many things in this paragraph that I don't understand. Her houseboy? What the hell is a houseboy? What the hell is a Togolese? How much is N700,000? I also like that they print this woman's address, you know, in case you feel like dropping by and giving her what for. Oh, and holy shit. Burnt his dongle? Christ lady, take a chill pill. Yea, I said chill pill.

P.M.News gathered that the victim was tortured for about one week before he escaped, naked. His hands were reportedly tied behind him while fire was place under his scrotum. His buttocks and scrotum bore marks of having been scorched by something hot, probably flames from a fire.

His buttocks and scrotum bore marks of having been scorched by something hot, probably flames from a fire. Ladies and gentlemen, the Nigerian Sherlock Holmes! But all kidding aside, holy fuck must this lady have been bats. What I'm curious about is whether this torture was to find out what he did with her money, or whether it was simply punishment for allegedly taking it. And why didn't anyone help this poor kid?

An eyewitness, who identified himself as Aina, said he heard the houseboy screaming for help, but could not come to his aid because it was not the first time he was being punished by his mistress.

So... he didn't help the screaming kid because... he was a naughty houseboy? Also: Mistress? So were they getting it on? What the hell, Nigeria. Stop confusing me with your words.

“It was later discovered that she had tied the boy and was using fire to burn his private part. When the boy ran out and everyone intervened, she claimed that he stole her money.

You'd think if she'd stripped him naked she'd be able to notice that nowhere on his person were the allegedly stolen N700,000. Though I guess if you're stripping your house boy naked and tying him to a chair and setting his cock'n balls on fire, you're probably past the point of being reasoned with anyway. Also, when they keep referring to him as house boy, am I the only one picturing a really gay pool boy for some reason? Not quite this, but google's image search for "gay pool boy" yielded less than wonderful results(do not google image search gay pool boy).

“Immediately, we called the Police at Zone D, and the woman was arrested. The boy was taken to the hospital.” Commenting on the incident, an occupant of the building, who pleaded anonymity, described Mrs. Williams as a very wicked landlady who has been having a running battle with her tenants.

Really? The woman who lit her house boys nuts on fire has a propensity for being a bitch? That is just so surprising.

Majority of residents who spoke with P.M.News on the issue described Mrs. Williams as wealthy, and an impossible person who fights everyone in the area.

Wealthy is really the operative word here, of course. Who wouldn't want to be some rich broad's houseboy? Even if it meant a week of ball/cock/ass burning, she'll still be your sugar momma, so I guess I'm torn.

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm a Domesticated Ungulate!

Look, I know what you're thinking, Middletown: Uh Oh, Michelle is back on the pipe. Well guess what. I'm not. You think I wanted to go through a magical transformation into this bovine creature you see before you? I didn't. I didn't ask for this shit, but here I am.

Police in Middletown made a rather bizarre arrest Monday night, taking into custody a woman dressed in a cow suit who was seen acting erratically. Michelle Allen of Middletown was arrested on one count of disorderly conduct for allegedly getting in the way of traffic on Wilbraham Road and chasing children in her cow suit.

You can't arrest a cow for being a cow! How you gunna play me like that? Yea I disrupted traffic, I'm a cow! Just point me in the direction of the nearest field and be on your way! And yes I was chasing children, but those little fuckers were trying to milk me! That is for me and my babies. You do not touch my udders without permission.

She also urinated on a neighbor's front porch, police say.

Of course I pissed on his porch. Where you want me to piss, the toilet? I'm a domesticated ungulate, not a super domesticated ungulate! I piss where I piss. I told you, get me back to my grazin' field or you are going to be lookin' at some seriously nasty cow pies on your porch next.

According to police, Allen talked back and threatened to cause problems in the jail if she was arrested.

You bet your humanoid ass there would be problems! Thems aint no threat. That shit is fact, mon frair. How you gunna put a cow in jail? I'm-a need some grass patches and ample space for roaming and cow-pie leavin', and you talking bout a small-ass cell.

Allen appeared in court Tuesday morning dressed in the suit.

What part of magical transformation don't you get, motherfucker?

It is not clear why she was wearing the costume.

What I tell you?! Look at me, fuckface! I aint no costume-wearin loonytoon! I'm a boner-fied domesticated motherfucking ungulate. UNGULATE I SAY!! You about to have a cattle beast all up in your grill fucking your porch up Bos taurus style.

MOOO MOTHERFUCKER!