You Can't Arrest Me! I Need to Eat All This Jesus!

Great with hummus!

Hi there. Do you know what communion is? Or more specifically, transubstantiation? It's when the Priest at a Catholic Mass actually becomes Jesus and changes the bread and wine into the body and blood of Jesus Christ. Now. The reason it does not taste like raw meat and blood is because of transubstantiation. Things are made up of two... well, things. Matter and substance. So like when you do origami and make a swan out of a piece of paper, you've changed it's matter. It is a swan, but it is still a piece of paper. When the Priest becomes Jesus, he changes the substance of the bread and wine. So they are now the body and blood of Jesus Christ, while still tasting like delicious crackers and Carlo Rossi. No seriously, this is what we Catholics believe. Yes it's all in the bible. No I won't tell you where. Shut up for a second and listen. Yes, I'll hold. Now with that out of the way, you can now hopefully understand why I've got to take all this Jesus meat (substance) and jet!

Police in Florida said they arrested a Connecticut man after he tried to steal communion wafers during a church service. The Martin County Sheriff's Office said a 33-year-old man was cornered by fellow churchgoers when he grabbed a handful of wafers from the priest during communion services Saturday.

What was I doing in Florida you may be asking yourself. Well if there's one thing us Catholic folk know, it's how to have a good time, and Jensen beach is a good time. Anyway, so you see, you can't arrest me! If I'm guilty of anything it's loving the taste of delicious Jesus too much! Shouldn't he be arrested for being too tasty? I wonder what kind of punishment would go with the crime of being too delicious... Oh right...

The Stuart News reported that the man was being held down by six or seven offended parishioners when deputies arrived at St. Martin de Porres Catholic Church in Jensen Beach.

Well, I guess I should jump right in here and admit that yes, I am a huge pussy, and yes, I was subdued by six old men. But honestly - what's to be offended about? I love the taste of Jesus.

Police say two parishioners, ages 82 and 61, received minor injuries in the scuffle.

Nothing makes you feel like a man more than beating on someone twice your age and someone almost three times your age. Like I said, I'm a huge pussy, so I'll take it where I can get it. And if beating the elderly in a church is a crime well then I guess I'm just guilty as charged... oh fuck.

The man was charged with two counts of simple battery, theft and disruption of a religious assembly. He was being held Tuesday on $2,000 bond at the Martin County Jail.

Ah well, that's alright. Toilet wine is about a hundred times better than Carlo Rossi anyway.