Mom Arrested For Being Awesome

mom?

In Nevada yesterday, a woman was arrested for being totally awesome.

A 39-year-old woman was arrested last week on suspicion of smoking marijuana with her two teenage children. Douglas County sheriff's deputies said the woman was detained after they responded to a report of a suspicious vehicle. Deputies said the woman told them that she was teaching her son to drive, but they smelled marijuana emanating from the vehicle.

Look, I know this isn't the greatest parenting choice in the world. You can have that. But if you are one of the many thousands of people who believe that pot is just as innocuous as the very legal alcohol, this isn't really any worse than giving your kid a glass of wine with dinner, is it? I mean, I guess this is more like giving your kid a glass of wine while you teach him how to drive, but like I said, not the best parenting choice.

The suspect's son, whose age was unavailable, and 14-year-old daughter told deputies they had shared two bowls of marijuana with their mother.

Full disclosure: I had a friend in high school whose mom smoked pot with us. We used to go to his house and smoke pot and drink, and totally keep it on the down low. We thought we were totally awesome, which I guess could be the result of being 15 and really naive. Because then one day we're there and his mom breaks out a joint and asks for a light. Me and my friends immediately thought, "Wow! This is the coolest lady alive!" I wound up losing touch with the kid and have no idea how he turned out, so I guess I'm not really the best authority on the subject. But seriously, I don't smoke pot anymore, but I'm all for the legalization of it. Mainly because I love to see white kids with dreadlocks. I mean, I understand that it's illegal, but isn't that just because people are dicks?



That would be berbalerbs, if pot were legal... I mean shit, they filmed most of that short on our college campus!

The woman was booked into jail Tuesday on charges of child endangerment, contributing to the delinquency of a minor and possession of a drug.

I mean really though, child endangerment? What's the worst that could have happened, he drives 15 miles an hour and still freaks out that he's going faster than the speed of light? Because man have I been there. I mean, at least it's not snorting heroin, right?

The 14-year-old was released to Child and Protective Services, while the boy was placed in juvenile detention.

What? Why was one released to CPS and the other sent to juvey? Was the older one her dealer or something? That shit's wack son! Anyway, I guess the moral here is don't give your kid pot while teaching him how to drive. Kids learning to drive suck. They are bound to draw to draw attention to themselves, so try not to hot box your car. Though I guess the real moral here is if you're going to smoke pot with your kid, don't get caught, asshole.

You Can't Arrest Me! I'm a Lycanthrope!

Now I know what you're thinking, San Jose: Oh brother, he's on the PCP again. Well, guess what, assholes, I don't think any side affect of PCP includes feeling extra lupine. Hey, what's that? Is that wolfsbane? Fuck off with that shit! I need to feeeeeeeed. What do you mean I'm acting bizarre? You're talking like this is the first time this has ever happened to someone!

Just outside the California-Hawaiian Mobile Estates at 10:45 p.m., officers responded to complaints of a man "howling at the moon and acting bizarre,'' according to police logs.

I guess it could seem bizarre to a small minded human, but I've got werefeelings! And now you've gone and hurt them! We werefolk are just like you! We like to hang out, have a good time, pound a few brews (one of our few weaknesses is the silver bullet), and sometimes fuck shit up old school.

Police say a man allegedly high on PCP had damaged the inside of someone's trailer in the mobile home park and was "out of control.'' The man was taken to Valley Medical Center, and booked on suspicion of vandalism and of being under the influence of PCP.

It is irresponsible to blame my wereactions on PCP. Sure I was taking PCP, but I'm a werewolf. Occasionally we need to howl at the moon and fuck up some trailer parks. It's called science, dickweed. Look it up.

I didn't ask to be born a werewolf. It was not a choice. My mother made some bad decisions with a malignant sorcerer's football team (let's just say it gave whole new meaning to the saying "those kids ran the train to Hogwart's") and 9 months later I came along, furry and furious with an insatiable appetite for destruction and extra rare meat.

I'm sorry if part of my werewolf religion consists of smoking PCP and breaking your shit, ok? I can't help it. You guys have driven me nuts with your judgements. Fuck this, I'm leaving and going back to Branham High.

Justice Tastes Oddly of Chorizo - UPDATE!!

So, hopefully there will be some sort of update on this story, because holy shit is it ever awesome, though totally incomplete. Prepare to have your socks knocked on their asses.

Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one of the men with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing.

I don't even know how to begin writing about this, it's so awesome. I would think rule number one in Burglarizing for Idiots is not to wake up sleeping victims you have just successfully robbed. But I guess if you're going to wake them up, do it in style. This style of course being batshit crazy. Couldn't they specify exactly what happened though? And what spices? Was he trying to make some BBQ? And after you put a spice rub on one guy, why hit the other guy? This new article does not mention the words "acid" or "mushrooms" once, somehow. I guess maybe it just that you're supposed to assume he was beyond fucked up? Anyway, can we thicken this plot up a tad? Anyone got some filé powder to add to this shitty burglary gumbo?

Fresno County sheriff's Lt. Ian Burrimond says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez was found hiding in a field wearing only a T-shirt, boxers and socks after the Saturday morning attack.

There we are! So since there's so little to this news item that they give us, I'm going to do some angel dust and explain exactly what I think happened. B & E is exhausting. B & E on angel dust is twice as exhausting at least. Once Antonio had successfully stolen the money, he discovered himself to be housing quite a hunger. He walked into what ha assumed was the kitchen, like you do, and saw an entire hog just laying there, waiting to be roasted! "Well, I've got this sausage, might as well cook this piggy up too!" He then began applying a spice rub of brown sugar, some seasoned salt, paprika, cumin and just a touch of nutmeg (that's his secret). Well imagine one's surprise when the hog you are seasoning turns out to be alive and a bit feisty! And then in comes his hog friend not at all happy about you preparing his friend for the spit! What other choice does a man have than to beat him about the face with previously mentioned sausage?

Well, one can be very alarmed at these developments and is often want to get out of one's pants and flee with much haste. Shoes may be removed as well, for we all know that they only slow you down. Then you must lay low until the terror hogs have ceased their rape-dance which had filled you with such fright and fear and caused the de-pantsing and panic run in the first place! It's widely known fields are where angels and dreams live. So you must go and hide in the farthest field, where you and a deceased loved one can play baseball with Ray Liotta. then you must sleep the sleep of Kings where you will be visited by a Viking Warrior on a unicorn who will teach you to love and will touch you deep inside and you will learn to taste colors and love like it's the last day on earth unless you drill that magic asteroid, cuz I'll miss you baby, and I don't wanna miss a thing.

Burrimond says money allegedly stolen was recovered.

Well thank God for that.


p.s.

The farmworkers told deputies the suspect woke them Saturday morning by rubbing spices on one of them and smacking the other with an 8-inch sausage.

dick joke dick joke dick joke dick joke

UPDATE!!!:

The Smoking Gun now has the whole story, complete with mug shot. It's a pretty tremendous read. Still no mention of drugs or why the fuck he attacked the guy with a sausage or threw spices in the other guys face, but still awesome.