You Can't Arrest Me, My Life's Punishment Enough!!! (Berbalerbs Edition)

A 37-year-old man who lives with his parents was arrested on a felony assault charge after he used a Christmas tree as a weapon in an attempted attack on his father, according to a sheriff’s report.

That particular publication is INCORRECT in its assessment of the situation that took place in my domicile...rather the domicile of my parental units.

While it is accurate that I did propel a Christmas Tree toward the general vicinity of my father, we were simply playing our annual game of "tree toss," a long-standing tradition in my family ever since I was 17 and I woke up in the middle of the night to my father standing over me hoisting our Christmas Tree into the air and repeatedly slamming the trunk into and around my head and face area. After some reconstructive surgery, father explained he was simply playing "tree toss" and that I had done a substandard job in catching said tree.

Now again, as we've done for the past 20 years, we were playing tree toss and all of a sudden several officers of the law appeared at our front door. This unexpected visit must've sent my father into a tizzy, because he began to scream "that's him officer! Arrest him before he kills me!" The officers (quite understandably) mistook my father's cries and brought me to the floor with extreme prejudice.

According to an arrest report, Lackie lost his temper around 9 p.m. Wednesday and threw a 3-foot-tall Christmas tree at his father.

If my intent were truly to do harm to my father I'd have surely chosen a far easier weapon to wield. After all the tree was 3 feet tall!!! What do I look like, a level 17 Fighter with +7 Constituion and a 3d6 Strength bonus roll in melee conflicts? I mean come on.

The tree missed,

As I've explained on my blog, my wrist has been injured as of late, partially due to exhaustion from...using my wrist...too much. It wasn't my most formidable round of "tree toss" ever, I'll admit.

Lackie then tried to use the steel base from the tree to strike his father.

Ok, so yea that happened. But he called me a little girl!!! Wait...actually, he made fun of my virginity and my job at Blockbuster Videos, then I tried to hit him with the steel base, then I whimpered when I couldn't lift the base all the way up, THEN he called me a little girl.

Now if you'll excuse me, officer, I've really got to run. On a bit of a deadline, you see. I have to finish the creation of 250 new Sporns by midnight tonight or I'll not be invited to hunt Icetusk Mammoths with the half-elves who work at the Kinkos next to my Blockbuster.

...

Wait, actually come back...just...just kill me. Just fuckin' kill me!