You Can't Arrest Me! I'm a Dog, Dawg!

Hewwo. I'm Dwake. I'ms a fwee year owd Wabwadoa wetweivah. I is a good dawgie, but cwoss me, and I will fuck you up.

A man who was accidentally shot by a 12-gauge shotgun on Saturday after his dog jumped into a boat is recovering. Matthew Marcum's legs and buttocks were injured in the bizarre incident and he was taken to Legacy Emanuel Hospital & Health Center in Portland.

Oopsies! Dwakey made a booboo uhohs! Sort of like when you were gone for a whole fucking day and didn't leave the goddamn toilet seat up, Marcum, you fat, bullet riddled fuck. I mean, I dinint mean to shoot you Mattywatty! Dwakey's not a bad dawgiewoggie. Sowwy I huwted your buttsies :(

Marcum's father, Henry, said his 23-year-old son was about to tie up an 11-foot open aluminum boat, when his 3-year-old Labrador, Drake, jumped into the boat.

Try and leave me behind, I'll show you. "Oh, Drake probably doesn't want to go fishing on this boat, he's content to sit on the dock and lick his own balls." Guess what fuckstick, I just finished licking my own balls! Bet you thought since we don't have opposable thumbs we can't operate guns! Guess again shit-for-brains! I mean, Oh noes! Dwakey's jumpin to the boat! Arf Arf! Oh noes I don't see any gun! Bark Bark BLAM MOTHERFUCKER! Next one's going into your FUCKING FACE!

Matthew Marcum said his dog, Drake, is a good dog and he isn't upset with him.

Awww... Him's a good boy.. Dwakey wouldn't huwt a soul... watch your fucking back Marcum. NOW WHERE'S MY FUCKING SNAUSAGES?