You Can't Arrest Me! I'm Naked Super Market Santa!

Ho Ho Ho! Merry Shopmas! Soon I'll be coming to a Super Market near you to spread Shopmas Cheer! Hopefully I won't have any more "incidents".

It wasn't unusual that the burglary suspect caught in northern England wasn't wearing a mask.

Oh Ho Ho Ho! I was not robbing the fine folks of Pemberton! I'm naked Super Market Santa! I was coming to deliver gifts my naked little elves spent all year making. Naked Transformers, Naked Garbage Pail Kids, Naked My Buddy and the lot.

But in this case he wasn't wearing anything at all. Greater Manchester police say they found the naked man trapped in the chimney of a supermarket in the town of Pemberton around 5:30 a.m. Wednesday.

Yes well what can I say? Children leaving out all those cookies and all that full-fat milk. Santa's needs a whole lot of full-fatt-y milka to wash down those EL Fudges. I sometimes save them and offer them to my elves upon my return as a sort of fucked up joke. They never appreciate it, oh well. Now where was I? Ho Ho Ho! So yes I got stuck in that tiny Pemberton chimney, I'm afraid it doesn't seem to have been designed with the portly in mind.

Police have no idea how the man got into the chimney, but they speculate that some of his clothes may have come off while he struggled to extricate himself.

Ho Ho Ho! I'm afraid my naked reindeer fled the scene. They do hate the sound of sirens so very much. And no speculation is needed about my clothes! All you need to do is ask! Then you may sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Shopmas, as I gently caress the underside of your legs and buttocks with my writhing Shopmas-snake. Then you shall the beauty of this sacred Holiday!

The fire service was called in to free the 22-year-old, who was taken to hospital as a precaution.

22 year old? Ho Ho Ho! You flatter me with your words, but we all know I, Father Naked Shopmas, am far, far older.

The man, not yet identified by police, was later arrested and jailed.

Yes I'm afraid I do not have any identification as such, though I do have a map of the North Pole tattooed on my scrotum! You can't arrest me! I'm Naked Super Market Santa! Boys and girls! Don't let them take me away or your naked build-a-bears and naked Diego the Animal Rescuers shall be homeless! Ho Ho Ho!

Welcome Aboard, Nice Junk!

Want to get on that plane? Hope you don't mind some random TSA employee seeing you graphically naked! Don't worry though, your face will be blurred out.

"A random selection of travellers getting ready to board airplanes in Washington, New York's Kennedy, Los Angeles and other key hubs will be shut in the glass booths while a three-dimensional image is made of their body beneath their clothes.

The booths close around the passenger and emit "millimeter waves" that go through cloth to identify metal, plastics, ceramics, chemical materials and explosives, according to the TSA.

While it allows the security screeners -- looking at the images in a separate room -- to clearly see the passenger's sexual organs as well as other details of their bodies, the passenger's face is blurred, TSA said in a statement on its website.

My first instinct, upon reading this was, "Oh hell yes! Let's get jobs as TSA workers!" Then my second instinct was to think "Oh wait, most people are fat and/or ugly. This is going to be just as bad for the TSA workers as it is for the people feeling violated" But here's the other thing. It says the face is blurred. Won't the person who's just been staring at your naked body be able to see your face as soon as you step out of the scanner?

People have no idea how graphic the images are," Barry Steinhardt, director of the technology and liberty program at the American Civil Liberties Union, told AFP.

The ACLU said in a statement that passengers expecting privacy underneath their clothing "should not be required to display highly personal details of their bodies such as evidence of mastectomies, colostomy appliances, penile implants, catheter tubes and the size of their breasts or genitals as a pre-requisite to boarding a plane."

I'd like to jump in here and say that to be fair, some of these thing can be noticed while clothed or during a routine airline security pat-down. They can tell the size of someone's breasts? Really? You need an magic millimeter wave emitting device for that? And if you are a TSA employee giving, let's say... an old man, a pat-down, you're probably going to notice the "colostomy bag-like" bag on his side. This will probably lead you to inquire as to what this "colostomy bag-like" thing is, to which he will probably respond with "WHAT'S THAT SONNY?" As for the penile implants... well, yea, that's fair, I wouldn't want them to know about my penile implants either.

Besides masking their faces, the TSA says on its website, the images made "will not be printed stored or transmitted. Once the transportation security officer has viewed the image and resolved anomalies, the image is erased from the screen permanently. The officer is unable to print, export, store or transmit the image."

No, the image of the fat, colostomy bag-wearing, single breasted woman will only be permanently etched into the brain of some poor TSA employee who then has to try and go home and lead a normal life, hugging his children while pretending he didn't have to stare at disgusting peoples' floppy genitals all day.

Lara Uselding, a TSA spokeswoman, added that passengers are not obliged to accept the new machines.
"The passengers can choose between the body imaging and the pat-down," she told AFP.

Oh... Then who fucking cares?