I saw this headline and immediately thought, "who's the dumbass that wrote this? Shouldn't it be 'resigned'?" Turns out, I'm the dumbass, because the teacher was reassigned, much like the title suggests.
By most accounts, Greg Van Voorhis, or "Mr. V," is a very popular English teacher at the Bronx School of Law and Finance. Students like Lauren Henriquez say he knows how to relate to them.
"He's a really, really good teacher," she said. "He understands. You can speak to him about anything."
"Even talking about dirty stuff, like masturbating with carrots and shit!"
But school officials say Van Voorhis may have gone too far when he gave his 11th graders a graphic short story about masturbation involving a carrot, among other things.
Whoa hey! Fancy that. A couple of things: this article nowhere mentions the name of the short story, who wrote it, or just how sexy it is. But there's also a video on the site, and it shows that the story this guy chose to share with his eleventh graders was one called "Guts" by Chuck Palahniuk. A story that was originally published in Playboy. First and foremost, if the guy should get in trouble for anything, it should be for using a Palahniuk story. Have you ever read anything by him? Holy hell he fucking sucks. All of his main characters speak in that same way that the guy in Fight Club does where he thinks everything he does is super badassed and they're always having sex with ultra hot girls all the time. It's fucking stupid. Anyway, if he should get in trouble, it should be for the following quote from his student:
"I don't feel there was nothing bad about it," Henriquez said. "It was just a story. We read it outside of class, so why can't we read it inside class?"
Guess what honey, trying to save your ENGLISH teacher by saying something like "I don't feel there was nothing bad about it" is a step in the wrong fucking direction. But honestly I kind of agree with like, who cares how racy as long as it's something worth teaching/reading - which I think I've made clear Palahniuk is not, but still. These kids are going to learn about masturbating with carrots somewhere, why not have it be school?
But Louella Hatch, who has a grandson in the tenth grade at the school, isn't laughing.
"If it is true, he can't still be around the school, you know?" she said.
It's funny how in print a quote can seem so different than when you see it. I read this and was like, "aw this woman is concerned for the well-being of her grandson" but watch the video:
Actually watching her say it is more like "holy crap she's old. She probably doesn't even know where she is! Who gives a shit what she thinks about schooling!"
Alec Nightengale is also an English teacher at the school and a personal friend of Van Voorhis. He says his colleague deserves to be back in the classroom.
"I've known him all my life, and I know he had the best of intentions," Nightengale said. "And he only wants what's best for the kids."
I tried really hard to find an appropriate picture of a drunk idiot on the road or something to add to this post, but oddly enough, if you type in "drunk" or "drunk idiot" into google image search, you find largely pictures of scantily clad women. And you also find guys passed out on the floor with lots of hilarious things drawn on them in sharpie. Or covered in gravy mix, apparently:
Anyway, the actual story is pretty much summed up by the title... except of course the guy wasn't at home or something... he was driving.
SALEM, Ore. - Oregon police have charged a man with drunk driving after he called 911 to report his marijuana as stolen but the dispatcher couldn't understand him because he was vomiting while on the road.
Marion County sheriff's deputies say 21-year-old Calvin Hoover, of Salem, told dispatchers early Tuesday that someone had broken into his truck and stolen cash, a jacket and a small amount of marijuana while he was at a tavern in Salem.
He then called 911 again to complain that deputies had not arrived, but the dispatcher had trouble understanding Hoover because he was driving and stopping several times to vomit.
I don't think I've ever had a thought to call the police about anything - luckily I've never had occasion to call the cops for any reason, but holy hell how stupid and/or hammered must you be to do that. I can't even comprehend the state of mind. He called 911 to report his drugs stolen, then called AGAIN when it seemed like they weren't coming in a timely fashion. I also can't imagine having that much knee-jerk reaction to anything gone missing. Also, doesn't the tavern have some kind of responsibility to not let this asshole get in his car? And was he there alone? What 21 year old goes to a bar without several friends and hopefully a DD? Seriously, if I went back in time and saw myself going to bar solo, I would point at myself and laugh. Then the 21 year old me would probably see me, thus creating some kind of time paradox that would make the universe implode.
So if the universe implodes, you'll know why, and you'll know that Calvin Hoover is to blame, for inspiring me to invent the time machine.
If you're a normal human being, you've called in sick to work before. And some bosses are understanding, and some jobs blow. I remember one time in college I called in sick to work when I was supposed to be there at 5:30am and there was no way it was going to happen - my boss demanded a doctor's note to prove that I had actually been sick. Is that even legal? (as an epilogue to that story I had a friend who worked in a Dr.'s office steal a piece of his prescription paper and then forged a note)
Anyway, the point is that no one can force you to go to work, and there's ways to play hooky without getting caught, and ways to do it without causing yourself serious bodily harm. There are certain lengths it is not necessary to go to get out of work - such as stabbing yourself and saying you were attacked.
A 29-year-old man who claimed he was attacked and stabbed by three people - skinheads or Hispanic males - confessed Monday night that he stabbed himself because he didn't want to go to work, Edgewater Police said today.
The man, Aaron Siebers, walked into his employer, the Blockbuster Video store at 1921 Sheridan about 6:30 p.m. Monday, and reported the attack. He said the trio was dressed in black.
Now, it may seem like that's awful elaborate just to get out of work. And that's mainly because it is. And seriously, is working at a blockbuster that bad? What do you do - arrange movies and hang out and watch movies all day. And occasionally deal with a dumb customer - but probably not that often since who goes to movie stores any more. Also - skinheads or Hispanic males?! Because if you're trying to sell a story about a trio and not being sure of their race or ethnicity, be sure to pick 2 that are in no way close to one another. "He was tall... or possibly very short. He had long long hair... but also might have been bald." "He was a very ugly man... but while they attacked me I thought of having sex with him"
Anyway, the article goes on to explain how he said it happened right by this Target, but surveillance videos basically showed no such thing happened. So the guy is arrested and charged with false blah blah whatever. And then he has the stones to say this,
"If you are going to concoct a story about being stabbed, don't do it near a Target store," said Davis.
THAT'S what you've come away from this having learned? How about like "If you don't want to go to work, don't stab yourself and concoct a story about being stabbed." Or, "If you hate your job, try and determine why and then think of ways to fix them and place those ideas in your work's suggestion box." Just kidding about that last one. That's stupid. I have a bunch of internet nerd friends much like myself (you are shocked, I know) and this one message board had a "suggestions" thread - I assume most message boards do - and the best thing I ever saw was a post entitled "I SUGGEST you stop being such assholes." But so now does this guy still work at Blockbuster? They have to have fired him, no? If the guy hated working there enough to stab himself not to have to go, and now they know this thanks to a huge news item there's no way they could keep him there. And here I always thought working at a video store was nothing but relaxing, Star Wars discussions, and witty banter with ignorant customers. Color me jaded. : (
If I took a test, on a daily basis, for about 4 years, and not only didn't have the test completely memorized, but failed EVERY SINGLE TIME, I would probably give up. Or kill myself. Turns out a Miss Cha Sa-soon disagrees.
A woman in South Korea who tried to pass the written exam for a driver's license with near-daily attempts since April 2005 has finally succeeded on her 950th time.
The aspiring driver spent more than 5 million won ($4,200) in application fees, but until now had failed to score the minimum 60 out of a possible 100 points needed to get behind the wheel for a driving test.
Sorry guy - the picture of you next to 'persistent' is being replaced.
Seriously? How do you not at some point figure out some other option? And if you are not smart enough to pass a test you've taken, like 500 times, shouldn't someone stop her? I would think a reasonable number like, say, failing 10 times in a row would be ok to say "no more tests for you for a while." I guess South Korea is just nicer than I am. Or at least more willing to put their motorists at risk.
Now she must pass a driving test before getting her license, Choi said.
I wonder if bookies in South Korea are taking money on how many times she needs to take the driving test. What would the line be? in the 500 area? Does the written exam expire after a certain amount of time if she hasn't passed the driving portion? Why do AP articles never answer the questions I have about weird news? And before you think to yourself - Because, Pemulis, those questions are stupid and you are a moron - I'll just cut you off and tell you to pipe down and stop being such a big meanie jerk.
Repeated calls to Cha seeking comment went unanswered. She told the Korea Times newspaper she needed the license for her vegetable-selling business.
This is a 68 year old woman. Is she just now trying to start up a vegetable selling business? Or, at least, just in April of 2005? And so but how has she been transporting them until now?
I know you're expecting jokes about Asian drivers, or old people drivers. But that's beneath me. Sa-Soon isn't a menace to the road because of age or ethnicity. She shouldn't be allowed to drive because she's a woman. Man they're terrible at driving!
(Oh by the way, if you happen to have a penis, prepare to shudder for the next hour. Or don't read this post.)
A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family, police reported Sunday.
WOW. Kinda makes piercing your ear in defiance look kinda tame...
Pfft...Pussy.
After unsuccessfully petitioning his father for two years to marry the girl, the man heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ, said a police official.
So...this guy is rebellious enough to CUT...OFF...HIS...FUCKING...PENIS...but not rebellious enough to...oh, I don't know, FUCKING RUN OFF AND ELOPE?
And other than the whole "discontinuing the bloodline" which I understand is really important in almost every culture, and it seems a lot of Middle Eastern cultures REALLY value its importance, um...WHO ELSE DOES THIS HURT BESIDES NOW-DICKLESS DUDE?
I mean, could you imagine what this scene would look like? WELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO, FARTKNOCKER because I'm about to dramatize the hell out of it, with the help of two out-of-work former movie monster stars*:DudeWheresMyPenis:Dad? We need to talk.NotMyDongNotMyProblem:For the last time, you are NOT marrying that STREET RAT!!! Hehe, get it? Like, from Aladdin?
DudeWheresMyPenis: Woah dad, a little racist there, don't you think?
NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Huh? Nah, I can do that 'cuz I'm Arabian. It's like how black people can use the n-word?
DudeWheresMyPenis: Woah, dad!
NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Ok, ok. Too far. But I have told you my decision! You are a MILLIONAIRE, son! You cannot soil our family's good standing by marrying a SLUMDOG! Huh? You see what I did there?
DudeWheresMyPenis: Dude, that was about Indian people.
NotMyDongNotMyProblem: So?
DudeWheresMyPenis: So Indian people aren't Arab. Seriously, it sounds like an ill-informed white kid is telling you what to say. Anyway--
NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Oh, hey, what happened to your penis?
DudeWheresMyPenis: I CUT IT OFF, DAD! SO YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS I AM! NotMyDongNotMyProblem: DAYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM THAT WAS STUPID!
DudeWheresMyPenis: Well now you'll HAVE to take me seriously!
NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Um...why's that?
DudeWheresMyPenis: Bec-- what do you mean? I...I cut off my--
NotMyDongNotMyProblem: Yea I noticed. And?
DudeWheresMyPenis: Well, I-- um. I really hadn't thought much past cutting myOHHHHMYGODICUTOFFMYPENIS!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, May 27th; CitiField. Daniel Murphy has just hit a borderline homerun off the retarded Subway sign jut out in the right field stands. The initial call on the field is "in play"U1: In Plaaaaaaaaaay!U2: Dat's a review.U3: Oh shooore. Def'nitely a re-vyooo.
U1: Really? I'm pretty sure I got a good look at that one, looked like it almost knicked the--
U2: HUDDLE UP!U1: Guys, I know I'm new to the crew so I definitely don't want to step on toes, it's just that there's been so many reviews lately and--
U2: Hey kid, the fuck's open. Why don't you shut it up, huh?
U1: Wait what? I don't think I--
U2: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
U1: Oh. I get it now.
U3: Listen, dere, youngster. We gotta good little situation goin on here, if ya catch my drift.
U1: Um...I'm decidedly not catching your drift sorry. It's just that-- uh, guys? Why is Jerry Manuel staring and pointing at me?U1: Idunno guys, if Jerry's arm were like, 200 feet longer he'd be touching me right now. I think I'm going to eject him.
U2: That's the opposite of a good idea kid. I think he likes you. Heh. Hehe. C'mon. Let's go to Da Room.
U1: "Da Room"?
The three umpires enter into the dark hallway that leads to the CitiField replay review room. After about 40 yards of walking in complete darkness, they arrive at the door to Da Room.
U2: Welp. Go ahead, kid. Open the door.
U1: O...k...
Door swings open U1: Oh G T F O!!! The Playhouse!?!? PEE-WEE?!?!?!!?
Pee-Wee: Sup.
U2: Welcome to the Mets payroll, kid!
U1: Excuse me?
U3: Oh shooore. We're ahn da books here at Shea--
U1: Citi.
U3: Who?
U1: Nevermind.
U3: So basically, we cahl any borderline homer fer replay review, and den we come back here, maybe have a sandwich, write a poem, "say hi to the bishop," whatever, and then we go back out and do the little home run twirly finger thingy.
U2: Well, I get to do the home run twirly finger thing.
U3: Right.
U1: Gentlemen, this is PREPOSTEROUS! I refuse, REFUSE to taint this greatest of all sports with something so vile, so under-handed, so--
U2: Do it or Cowboy Curtis rapes you to death. C.C. God damned right I'll rape ya.
So I was trolling the internet with duality in purpose: 1) to find pictures for an upcoming Mets-based 'Mauf post that's sure to inform and amuse* and 2) to distract myself from the worst heartburn of my life EVER, which may or may not have been a byproduct of having 3/4 of a bottle of wine to drink and 3/4 of a piece of bread to eat last night.
I failed in both endeavors. My chest still feels like a grade-schooler is trying to burn a hole through it using the sun and a magnifying glass, and I'm gonna blog about the gay dude from American Idol.
Excuse me...the "dude from American Idol that hasn't disclosed his sexuality publicly...but pretty much looks like he blows dudes on the reg."
Ok first, full disclosure: I don't watch 'Idol.' Never had. I've caught a little bit of some of the audition episodes over the year, but I always thought it sucked and a girl I dated in college had a crush on Clay Aiken and once jumped out of bed to watch one of his performances, so that pretty much sealed the deal for me.
It hurts being passed over for a dude who looks so gay that if he stood next to this other gay dude, the gay dude wouldn't even look gay any more. But I digress...
Adam Lambert says keep guessing on sexuality
...Gay! No? um...Super Gay!
Adam Lambert says role models come in a variety of different forms — even in eye makeup, fingernail polish and tight pants.
Role models in eye makeup, fingernail polish and tight pants usually all have something else too: a vagina.
"It's a really, really cool thing,"
It = being sodomized whilst on ecstasy
"to be able to show people that you can be yourself, and you should be proud of yourself, and you should own who you are and what you're about, and never make apologies for it."
"Yeah man, I'm just doing my own thing you know, just being myself, which happens to be identical to the douche who sings lead for Fall Out Boy. Hmmm...I wonder if he deepthroats?"
So to those who speculate about his sexuality, he has a message. "Calm down," he says, and "keep speculating."
Speculating on WHAT? He does know that this picture is circulating on the internet??? I would assume he knows this pic is out there because apparently THE MOTHERFUCKER WORE THIS ON AMERICAN IDOL. Oh yea, and that's not the only pic on the net that kinda makes this article moot. I'm actually pretty sure THIS is what pisses me off so much. There isn't actually a story, because I'm pretty sure no one on this planet is weighing whether or not this dude's gay. Buuuuuuuut because 'American Idol' is such a big fuckin whoop-dee-deal, we'll pay attention to anything any of the fucks on that show say. Paula "You can literally see the back of my skull if you look into my eyes" Abdul made it a point to let the world know she had never been drunk (probably while slurring her words, swaying back and forth and failing to be able to maintain eye contact) and the story got picked up by everyone. I hear next week Randy from the show is finally going to break his silence and let everyone know whether or not he's a black dude.
I'd like to say that I do not mean this post to gay-bash whatsoever. I'd go through the whole lazy white liberal "I have gay friends and bla bla bla" thing, but I frankly don't care what you suspect my level of acceptance to be. I'm a lover, man. Not a hater.
All I'm sayin is that straight dudes generally don't wear more makeup than the whores on Manhattan's West End. And they generally don't try to copy the haircut of that bitch from Jon and Kate Plus 8. And they generally don't blow 12 guys by lunchtime. Which is what I imagine Adam does every day.
I MEAN, not that I actually imagine it or wonder what it might be like just once to--
This post is finished. I'm going to go spit and scratch myself and look at boobs.
*Note: Mets post will likely be neither amusing nor informative.
For those of you who were busy losing your virginity in High School, "Kaiju" is the Japanese term used when referring to all of the monsters in the seemingly endless Godzilla movie series. Like all movie stars, Kaiju need agents. Paul DeSnizarello is one such agent. PAUL'S OFFICE IN RECIDA, CA - Top 40 radio plays softly in the background as Mr. DeSnizarello trolls the internet for pornography
P DeS: "...if ya like it then ya shoulda put a ring on it...hmm hmm hmmm... whackwhackwhackwhack
[there is a knock at the door]
P DeS: WOAH! Um, hold- hold on there, I'm um...gimme a minute!
Voice: Mr. Snizarello?
P DeS: Hold ON, God dammit! Ok...ok, come in. Anguirus: Hi Paulie.
P DeS: Angilas!! Baby, boobie, what's shakin?
Anguirus: It's Anguirus.
P DeS: Are you sure?
Anguirus: What the fuck are you-- yes, I'm sure.
P DeS: We should talk about changing that name of yours.
Anguirus: Dude we've been through this well over 30 times already. I'm not changing my name...I'm staying true to my heritage.
P DeS: Your fucked-up-looking-turtle/dog-thingy heritage?
Anguirus:...
Yes.
P DeS: How about somethin classy, like...Angilas.
Anguirus: SNIZ!
P DeS: Ok, ok...jeez. So what's happ'nin captain?
Anguirus: I need work, Paulie. I need to gig, to go out on auditions, to really get a chance to hone all of the nuances to my perfor--
P DeS: Tough market right now, Angie.
Anguirus: You've been saying that since 1987.
P DeS: 'Strue.
Anguirus: What about commercials? I mean, I could do a campaign for Apple! They've gotta be getting rid of that "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" shit soon, right? Maybe a guest spot on "House" or something? Are the Power Rangers still on air?
P DeS: Angie. Baby. Boobie. Bubuluh. Boopie. Bingie. Bangie. Boongie.
Anguirus: What the hell are you doing?
P DeS: (shrugs) I figured if I kept saying words you'd forget why you came here. And look! It worked! I have no clue why you're here!
Anguirus: Well I remember, jackass. I need WORK, Paulie! Look, I was Godz--
P DeS: Godzilla's first enemy waaaay back in 1955 before it was cool to be a Kaiju, yes I know, I know. I've only heard you tell the damned Godzilla Raids Again story about ten thousand times now...
Anguirus: That movie-- nay, film, was a classic, Paulie, AND YOU KNOW IT. Finest in the franchise. And I carried that whole damn project. Carried it right on my back, I did, you and I both know that Gojira-- oh, excuse me, "Godzilla" couldn't act his way out of a fucking PAPER BAG back then and-- Paul what the hell are you laughing at?
P DeS: I's just laughin at picturin you wit somethin on your back on account of you got all dem freaky spikey deformities. Anguirus: You're a real dickhead sometimes, Paul. I mean, c'mon! You've done some great stuff for some of your other clients. Jet Jaguar has his own late night talk show in Osaka, and you landed Rodan the lead on that HBO series. Where's MY love, Paulie? When's it MY time to shine?
P DeS: Ok, you wanna know the truth? You wanna know the real reason I ain't been sending you out? It's cuz NO ONE IS AXIN FOR YA. Ok??? That make ya feel better?
Anguirus: But WHY? I went to NYU! I have a DEGREE IN ACTING from NYFUCKINGU, did you tell them THAT?
P DeS: You're a DIVA, Angie, ok? That's what it is...
Anguirus: Well I NEVER IN ALL MY--
P DeS: Then, of course...there's the video.
Anguirus: Um...what ever do you mean? I'm not...aware of any...video...
P DeS: This one: Anguirus: Oh Jesus Christ, that thing's like 15 years old!! We were a little tipsy one night and-- wait, why did you have that video already up on your computer? P DeS: Um...
Uh...
Research?
Anguirus: Whatever! And what the hell's up with Gojira anyway? I haven't heard from "Mr. Hollywood" in forever now! I thought we were going to start workshopping that buddy comedy we were going to pitch to CBS.
P DeS: Yea...um...about that...
Anguirus: Oh you are FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT? RIGHT???? THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOES ONE GODDAMN FILM WITH MATTHEW BRODERICK AND HE THINKS HE'S LEO GODDAMN DE FUCKING CAPRIO!
Richard Alpert: Hello. I represent a very powerful organization. I'm told there's a boy being born here today. Are you Mr. and Mrs. Wright, and is this your son David?
Ilana: Richard, who plays third base for the Mets?
Richard (in Latin): He who will save us all.
Ilana: We have something to show you. Ilana opens crate to reveal....
Steve Phillips: Hi! You know Richard, I know you've been looking at this David Wright kid for a long time. I'm just not sure he's got the mental toughness to be a leader yet. It seems like maybe he's got some humps to get over and I'm not sure he'll ever get there. He just seems to lack a killer instinct and a locker room presence that a team leader needs to have. He lacks the heart and grit of say a David Eckstein. That's the type of guy who comes to a team and just wins. I also think this team should trade Carlos Beltran, and I'm certain that the holocaust never happened. What do you think, Joe?
To be honest with you Steve I haven't seen enough one way or the other to comment on whether or not the holocaust actually happened. I also haven't seen enough of Wright to say one way or the other whether his heart is truly in it and if he can be the leader of this ballclub. That being said I think this year he is the Mets MVP, hands down, without a doubt.
Entirety of people on the island: JULIET, DO THE DAMN THING NOW!!!!
See you all in an alternate future where we don't have to listen to moronic assholes say stupid things about your team!
If I were ever about to taken to jail, or in the middle of a high speed car chase, I don't know where my mind would be. I would imagine though, at no point would I think to myself: I might be going to jail for a while, better get a fourth meal.
Officials say a suspected drug dealer who led police on a 90 mph chase in Indiana was arrested after he stopped suddenly at a Taco Bell parking lot.
Fort Wayne police Sgt. Mark Walters says 36-year-old Jermaine Askia Cooper told officers he "knew he was going to jail for a while" and wanted to get one last burrito. He did not get the burrito, police said.
So, if you're ever about to be arrested, and leading police on a high speed chase, and you stop, you might not have time to get a burrito while you stop? Well I'll be. At least in my extended absence people haven't gotten any smarter, that's really reassuring. So what was the rumpus to being with?
Cooper was held without bail on four counts of dealing cocaine, one count of resisting arrest by fleeing and other charges.
Ah. Fair enough. So the coke explains the high speed chase and the logic FAIL, but if he was all coked up you'd think food was the last thing on his mind. You couldn't get me to eat taco bell even if you put some borderline midget washed up old playmate in the commercial...
You think she's hot shoving that phallic burrito into her mouth? Just imagine her on the toilet with violent diarrhea 30 seconds after that first bite. [boi oi oi oi oing]
I find it funny that whenever Pem or I don't post on this blog for an extended period of time, there's always an explanation, either in the beginning of a post or in an actual post of its own.
It's funny, you see, because I'd be willing to bet that not a god damned person reads this site regularly (unless Pem or I force feed them a link to the articles) so the notices are for each other, I suppose.
...even though we spend roughly 7 hours a day G-Chatting. So we know good and god damned well when we're writing and when we're not. So what's with the "addressing the crowd" stuff?
For me, I like to believe that somewhere out there in some shit town, someone whose name is perhaps Jimmy Sulvaro, accidentally happened across our site (perhaps googling "chimp testicles"?) a while back and has been loyally checking in, reading up, rolling on the floor laughing his ass off (damn I wish there was a shorter way to type that out) and just too shy to leave a comment, lest Pem and I use our destructively powerful wit to rip his comment to shreds, leaving him a shell of a human being.
Well Jimmy, we're back...and it's all for you, big guy!!!
...and don't even THINK about commenting...you little pussy.
Well, I haven't really said my piece about this charming little story yet, so here goes...
YOUR MAMA TOLD YOU "DON'T HIT GIRLS." SO DON'T. FUCKING. HIT. GIRLS.
It has really, really surprised me that so many people, whether on the street, in the media, whatever that want to make excuses for Chris. "He's just 19." "Oh, well she was hitting him." "Rihanna ain't as good a singer as Chris so fuck dat bitch." And the like.
Listen,
Am I saying the kid should get life in jail and be deprived from the rest of his life for this one event? No, of course not. People make mistakes, and teenagers make a shitload of mistakes and child celebrities make so many god damned mistakes that it seems like some evil villain has kidnapped their family "24"-style and are now controlling that celebrity to do horribly stupid and destructive stuff all the time.
But this guy didn't just slap his girlfriend. He punched her. Repeatedly. BEFORE CHOKING HER OUT. So the next time you hear some stupid motherfucker say something like "well, you know if a girl come atchyou an' she slappin' you and shit, whassyous'posedtodo?" ask them what they'd be saying right now if Rihanna had died. And then tell them to listen to their mama and stop being a waste of life. And then remind them proper etiquette is to shake a bitch, not hit them.
I thought my headline was stupid, until I saw that news item's "unbeweaveable". I feel much better about myself. Anyway. I'd like to point out that the newsie-guy says that she thanks God a lot. I am still trying to figure out what for. I also enjoy that mister Pepitone says that it went down thusly: "He still loves you!" "Well I'm sorry, but I do not love him anymore". BANG BANG BANG SUPERWEAVE!
On a random note, for the next few hours, I imagine that 'unbeweavable' may take over 'Crumbelievable' as dumbest thing to replace 'unbelievable' in that EMF song to be stuck in my head.
I don't have too much else to add to this, because... well, what do you say? Good luck telling this broad her weave looks stupid now, though.
Actually. She mentions she's 'invested' a lot of money in this weave of hers. How much does a weave cost? A google search of 'weaves' - first page that showed up was 'brownskin.net'. Does that make google racist? Alright. I've spent way too much time trying to figure out how much a weave costs (roughly 3 minutes), and I've gotten no answer, and don't particularly care.
No. Not really. My work of late has had me traveling quite a bit and unable to post. That is to say, I'm very lazy. Anyway, I've also been doing a good bit of reading. Here are some of the choice books I've read of late:
I'd also like to point out that the Mets play the Cardinals today at 1pm on SNY. Yes it is spring training, and yes I will be watching it. You go to hell. Don't you judge me. Unless it's a beauty contest and you're considering giving me the blue ribbon. If that's the case, judge away.
Well, we've made it this far, boys and girls. We've gone through 5 big steaming piles of dumb, and we've got 5 more to go. And, whooooo boy, if you thought #10 thru #6 were nonsensical, baseless and generally stupid, buckle up. Cuz the next 3 songs are by rappers on MTV's GREATEST MCs OF ALL TIME LIST. (And yea I know it's MTV, but check out the list. I pretty much agree other than one or two randoms.)
5. “Lose Yourself” – Eminem
Ok, maybe you didn't like 8 Mile? I mean, the concept was a little stupid, let's get Eminem to play Eminem in a movie about the life of Eminem, but I personally thought it was pulled off fairly well and
8 Mile was a pretty good movie,
Oh. Um. Then why the fuck would you put this on the list?
we all know that this song caused the end of Eminem.
Oh, friend. You have to know deep down that you have no clue what you are speaking of, and that generally when bullshitting your way through something, using the phrase "we all know" is going to piss someone off. Because when you say that you take on the position of speaking "for all of us." You, sir, do NOT. I repeat NOT speak for me.
Everything he did after this was complete sentimental bulls**t.
This was the next single Marshall Mathers released after "Lose Yourself"
Wow, that is pretty sentimental there! You fucking twit.
If it wasn’t for the popularity of this song, he probably would have never attempted more hip-pop ballads such as "Like Toy Soldiers" and "When I'm Gone."
Really? Because on "The Eminem Show" (the album he released before "Lose Yourself" was released) he had "ballads" such as "Hailie's Song" and "Sing For the Moment" where he fucking rapped over a pre-existing Aerosmith ballad.
So I'm going to go ahead and say yes, Eminem probably would have attempted to make more "hip-pop" (that's adorable by the way) ballads even if "Lose Yourself" never happened because he had been doing it already and having success with it and oh my God why the hell did you write this list?
Marshall was never the same MC after the release of this song.
You're soooooo totes right, Dustin! He was never the same MC again, in the fact that the only CD he's released since then, "Encore," was pretty sub-par (but only relative to his other albums). He then took a hiatus to go be with his family, and has a new CD coming out this year. So you can go ahead and stop talking about him like he's dead.
Oh, and WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE "DEATH" OF HIP HOP? IT'S ONE FUCKING GUY WHO STARTED TO FALL OFF A TEENSY WEENSY BIT AFTER, I REPEAT, AFTER THIS SONG, AND NOT BECAUSE OF THIS SONG.
If you're insinuating that hip hop lives and dies with Eminem, let me say from one white boy to another white boy: fuck off, white boy.
4. "Big Pimpin’" - Jay-Z
You'll now see the graceful, timeless dance of the writer who knows he's about to piss off his entire readership by saying some punk ass buster shit. First, he machine guns a list of reasons why this song has no earthly business being considered for this list, let alone on this list, let a-FUCKING-lone higher on this list than "Ice, Ice, Baby."
I understand that this song is the straight up jizzy jam
You just said jizzy jam. Kill yourself.
and [it] helped push the underground Houston legends UGK into the mainstream
Ah yes, because we all know that every time hip hop artists who've remained underground to retain their integrity are rewarded with a little fame and fortune and manage to maintain that integrity, hip hop dies a little.
Now that the writer has prefaced his argument with the fact that his argument is poor, he makes his argument.
but this track was one of the biggest reasons why hip-hop turned pop in the in the early 2000s.
OH MY--
I can't---
I don't evenAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHA;OIE4JV578K8BY045VM0JPC3N7-V34898XS5890X890XSE5SVTNOPSVOVDNUTNPRUOVT8PVN9T498BYPBR9VTP
I just tried to eat my own face.
Dustin,
This is an amazing track. The production is fucking amazing. The lyrics are off the "hizzy hook" (see, I can make up terrible sounding slang words too!). The video is visually beautiful. Everything about this song is awesome. That's why it was popular. I'm assuming you didn't mean "pop" as in "popular," though. I'm assuming you meant "pop" as sugary, soft, pre-packaged and artificial. Read my...um...typing:
BIG PIMPIN IS NONE OF THESE THINGS FRIEND.
I do realize the roots of hip-hop came from upbeat party raps,
You clearly do not, sir.
but this song helped open the doors for a slew of untalented hacks trying to make some loot through the TRL pipeline.
Ya know what? You are completely right. It's totally this fuckin' song's fault that "Walk it Out" ended up on MTV. It's also "Smells Like Teen Spirit"'s fault for Nickelback. And I blame Aretha Franklin's rendition of "Respect" for Amy Winehouse. I also blame "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by the Police for 9/11, because like Mr. Sussman I'm a complete shithead.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS YOUR CRITERIA FOR THIS LIST?!?!?!?!? "Well it's not that the song's bad, and I don't think it directly "killed" hip hop, but there's one part of it that I kinda sorta don't like so ok it's on the list."
but when Biggie passed away in 1997, Puff Daddy basically thought he had a free pass to do whatever he wanted just as long as he added “Biggie is the greatest of all time” at the end of every sentence.
And? You do realize that Puffy was the one to discover Biggie, and produced both of Biggie's albums, and that we might not know who Christopher Wallace is without Sean "Puffy" Combs, right? I'm not saying I love the dude, and I'm definitely not saying he can rap, but I think he gets a bit too much shit. "Oh how DARE he continue his career after the death of his friend?!? Everyone knows the proper thing to do is to vanish into obscurity and run an Alpaca farm!"
When I fist saw the video for “Mo Money” my jaw pretty much dropped off.
It would've been more useful for me if your hands had fallen off. Then I wouldn't have to generate roughly 800,000,000 words about how terrible of an internet list-maker you are. I have things to do, Dustin!
It was the complete opposite of anything Biggie had done in the past...It was bright, candy-coated and extravagant on a whole new level.
Yep, Biggie had never done any over-the-top extravagant videos. Ever. Except, maybe the one released immediately before this one, for "Hypnotize." Biggie is alive and well in that video, not edited in, so we can assume he was aware of his surroundings (unless they kept him on animal tranquilizers or something). In this video, there are mermaids swimming in the walls of Biggie's home. There are ridiculous backwards car chases (while rapping!). Biggie and Puff have matching suits. At one point Biggie is wearing a silk shirt that defies explanation it's so over-the-top. So again, Dustin, you are the opposite of correct. Oh and if you're wondering why I've stopped including his lame arguments as to how these songs "killed" hip hop, it's because he's stopped including them. You can tell that he really didn't have any idea on how to approach this list until the last 2, where we finally (sorta) get some worthwhile...nevermind, it all sucks.
2. Any Song Featuring Auto-Tune Vocals
His first valid choice. And he manages to fuck it up.
"Any Song Featuring Aut-Tune Vocals?" Any of 'em? Well then maybe PICK ONE. Really. Almost every single one of these choices have been "the start of a slippery slope," and the one time, the one fucking time you would've been accurate in saying that, you don't pick a song.
"SONG X helped 'kill' hip hop because after ARTIST X released that track, everyone and their mamas started using Auto-Tuner, which basically masks your actual voice to make it sound like you can sorta carry a tune maybe and pretty much made 90% of popular hip hop tracks sound like utter and complete garbage."
But no. So ok maybe he just doesn't know who made it popular so he couldn't
Since 2005, Florida native T-Pain has been throwing out an endless string of hollow hip-hop hits
MAYBE THEN YOU SHOULD'VE CHOSEN T-PAIN'S FIRST SINGLE AS THE FUCKING SONG THEN YOU EXHAUSTING BASTARD!
1. "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" - Soulja Boy Tell 'Em
Oh dangit. I had my money on "I Get Around" by Tupac for the fact that it "opened the door" to shitcakes like Soulja Boy.
Mr. Sussman, a suggestion: if you are going to write a top 10 list and cannot come up with any actual ideas after #2, you might want to consider a different theme for the list. Also: God you suck, dude.
Some of you might say that criticizing the writing of an Internet Top 10 List Writer is like pistol-whipping a blind kid...
You should know that I fucking love pistol-whipping blind children.
Aaaaaaaaand stop. You've already made this selection moot. Congratulations.
How could a song that was released in Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Nine, 4 years before Tupac gained noteriety, 5 years before Biggie's debut album, SEVEN FUCKING YEARS BEFORE THE GRAMMYS ADDED A BEST RAP CATEGORY have helped to "kill" hip hop?
Maybe if this was some ingenius time bomb situation where the song slowly crept into the minds of MCs everywhere until there was a major (if indirect) negative impact on the genre of music and community as a whole, MAYBE then put it on the list. Is that your assertion, Mr. Sussman? What are your feelings on "Me so Horny?"
nothing more than shock-pop crap that had no place in the world of hip-hop
That might be why 2 Live Crew isn't around any more. Oh, and one more thing:
THIS SONG DID THE ABSOLUTE OPPOSITE OF "KILLING" HIP HOP, YOU WET SMELLY BRAINFART OF A HUMAN.
Sussman makes a throw away comment that
the lyrical content in their songs had conservatives like George Will shaking in his boots
and then moves on to other nonsensical assinine assertions. What he fails to mention? That the sheriff of the county where 2 Live Crew lived lobbied to get the album listed as "pornography" and later "illegal contraband" because he didn't like colored folk talking about sex. The fucked up thing about it was that a judge in Florida agreed with him, and made the album illegal. ILLEGAL. A local retailer was arrested for selling the album after it was outlawed and several members of 2 Live Crew were arrested for performing live (yes, I'm getting this all from wikipedia, Mr. Sussman. You could have too).
Well what the hell is my point?
In 1992, the United States Court of Appeals for the Eleventh Circuit overturned the obscenity ruling from Jose Gonzales, and the Supreme Court of the United States refused to hear Broward County's appeal.
This is when THE SUPREME COURT stood up for hip hop as a valid form of expression protected under the First Amendment.
In conclusion, (of #9, that is...we're nowhere CLOSE to done) dsussman put the song that basically ensured future rappers the right to rap about whatever they choose on a list of the top 10 songs that killed hip hop.
Oh my God, dsussman. You suck. In fact, you're dsucksman from here on out. Yea I know, a little weak but WHATEVER. IT STANDS.
8. "Ice Ice Baby" – Vanilla Ice
Oh thank God, Dustin. This makes sense. It's so obvious that a human raised by chinchillas in the hills of Argentina who has never come in contact with another person or so much as heard another human voice would know that it belongs on this list. Now, go ahead and mercilessly pummel Mr. Ice and we'll continue with our business.
I had no choice for this one.
No, you pretty much didn't. This, along with a certain large pant-wearing MC named after a tool, marked the beginning of rap's true commericalization. This is the time when record companies tried to make rap music...well, acceptable for old white people. Which was all well and good but this is really where stuff started to
I feel like Vanilla was a pretty sincere dude when it came down to his music.
Excuse me?
The guy was spittin’ Miami raps,
Oh God no. You're defending him, aren't you?
throwin’ down synchronized dance moves and just plain doin’ his thing.
...
...
I just killed someone. Harold from accounting. I went into the men's room here at the office to break a window or bash a urinal, something, ANYTHING to diffuse the rage that Mr. Sussman has just awoken by defending Vanilla Ice, and there was Harold. "Hi Mike," he said. "Bye Harold," I replied. I put him in the stall that's always out of order. Hopefully no one will find him for a while.
/takes deep breath
Mr. Sussman. How on EARTH can you try to defend Vanilla Ice? You had no problem claiming 50 Cent has this anti-music evil commerical empire agenda going on, or dismissing the relevance of 2 Live Crew in hip hop, but you feel it necessary to defend VANILLA FUCKING ICE? Please. Continue.
But back in 1990, this song pretty much took on a life of its own and would go on to be one of the more hated songs in hip-hop history.
"Pretty much took on a life of its own?" What's that even supposed to mean, in this context? It's pop music. That's sorta how it works. You market a song, put it out on the radio and if you're lucky it "takes a life of its own" and gets popular. Pop. Music. Popular. Music. Savvy? As for it becoming one of the more hated songs in hip-hop history? Give me one good fucking reason it doesn't deserve to be hated. This dude was fucking corny as all get out, the lyrics suck (I frankly don't care that you and all your boys from high school would TOTALLY scream every word at all the semis after getting drunk on wine coolers), and HE BLATANTLY STEALS FROM A DAVID BOWIE SONG AND TRIES TO PASS IT OFF AS A DIFFERENT SONG. This is a HUGE reason that sampling has been underrated as an art form, because of dipshits like this going on TV and saying "mines is like 'ding ding ding dingading ding,' while his is all 'ding ding ding dingdingding ding,' so it's like totes diff."
It’s kinda sad that this man had no control of how people in the hip-hop community would react to the popularity of this record.
It's kinda sad you likely got paid to make this list, Dustin.
7. "Too Legit To Quit" - MC Hammer
Christ. I feel like we're 10,000 words into this bitch and I've covered three fucking songs. Whatever. Onward!
I can’t deny that “Addams Groove” was a worse song than “Too Legit,”
Then why did you choose 2 Legit? Addams Groove was a worse song, and it was (as far as I can remember) the first time a rap song was written for and about a movie, which began a really terrible string of cross-marketing rap songs (most notably terrible would include Wild Wild West and the Rugrats Rap Song, which I still can't decide is the worst or best thing created by humans to date). That would've been something you could argue helped "kill" hip hop. But no. You decided to go with 2 Legit 2 Quit. Explain yourself, young man.
Hammer’s first single off his 1991 LP seemed to almost flush the entire hip-hop/rap scene down the crapper.
How, exactly?
The size and scope of “Too Legit” helped push Hammer even further away from his musical roots in Oakland
The roots that were apparently healthy and full of "realness" when he dropped "Can't Touch This" lookin likethis?
If it wasn’t for The Chronic, I don’t know what I would have done with myself.
OMG YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOO COOL FOR SHOUTING OUT THE CHRONIC!!! OMG YOU LISTENED TO DR. DRE AND SNOOP AT THE SAME TIME EVERYONE ELSE IN AMERICA WAS LISTENING TO THEM?!?!?!?!?! OMG YOU ARE SO TOTES GANGTSTA LOLCATZ!!!11!1!ONE!!1!!
By the way: 2 Legit 2 Quit was released in 1991. The Chronic was released in 1995. So way to completely make up an anecdote to make yourself seem cool.
Such a douche.
6. "Gettin' Jiggy wit It" - Will Smith
I give Will Smith credit for making clean hip hop for the masses, but when Big Willie Style dropped in 1997 I had honestly had enough.
Me too, dsucksman. Wow, maybe we would be friends if we met each other. Now how did this help to "kill" hip hop?
It was like a hip-hop covers record from start to finish.
Okaaaaaay...and this helped kill hip hop becaaaaauuuse...
...
?
"Just the Two of Us"? Fresh Prince, please.
dsucksman, this is not a "Top 10 Hip Hop Songs That I Personally Don't Care For," it's a list that...you know what? Forget it. Just...forget it.
So a lot of times on this site, I'm a bit...what's the word...prickly? in regards to the heights of human stupidity we are all forced to deal with on a daily basis. I'll curse and put words in all caps and make faces like and generally it's all just a good spirited romp through my repressed anger and general bitterness toward the populace.
Or at least tear your list to shreds. Either way, I'm totally cool with whatever.
The Top 10 Songs That Killed Hip-Hop
Let me begin by saying there's nothing wrong with writing a list like this. It's a super interesting idea, and an literary hip hop head could go a number of different ways with it. Was it commercialization that "killed" hip hop, was it the East/West rap war, was it Crunk Juice, etc. A lot you can do with this. Dustin Sussman, the aged piece of Fromunda Cheese that wrote this steaming pile, chose to make the list the opposite of interesting. Or accurate. Or defenisible. Or non fucking retarded.
One more thing before we begin (Christ, we haven't even STARTED yet??). I am a small white boy who also happens to be (at least in my humble opinion) an accomplished MC. I can rap. Like, I can fucking rap. I know first hand how dumb it is to look at someone and assume that you can tell whether or not they are "hip hop" or not. That being said, this douchefuck SHOULD NOT BE WRITING HIP HOP ARTICLES.
If you're not at work, roll up a fatty to this one...if you are at work, get high at lunch and read the shit out of this. Let's fucking crip walk.
Hip-hop just may be the most popular music genre on the face of the planet and for good reason. It’s raw, real and unpredictable.
Dude! Totally bitchin' non-statement here, brah. I mean, "raw, real and unpredictable?" Somebody made you do this list, didn't they dsussman? This is like bio homework to you, isn't it. Tip for next time: DON'T FUCKING WRITE THE LIST THEN.
But in recent years the music revolution that started in New York over 25 years ago
I mean, he's right...it did start over 25 years ago...it also started over 30 years ago...and some people believe it actually started over 35 years ago, so...way to not look it up and just guestimate like 17 words into your article.
For some reason, wannabe hip-hop artists with little talent have decided to pervert the genre by manufacturing bubblegum garbage for the masses.
Well, jinkies!!! That's just plumb awful!! Why, that hasn't happened to every single genre of music that has gained popularity in the history of the recording industry or ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!! This is the first big red flag that this dude has no business compiling this list. People who don't think hip hop is a viable form of music will always point to some terrible manufactured radio song that appeals to the lowest common denominator and try to use it as the quintessential hip hop song. No, assmouth, the hip hop community doesn't consider "I Ain't Never Scurred" to be one of its cornerstones.
Oh and by the way, two of the biggest "rock" bands in the US today are Nickleback and the Jonas Brothers. Would you like them to be the representatives for rock music as a whole? Didn't think so. Point taken? Thought so. Stop? Hah.
No.
#10: "In Da Club" 50 Cent
Let's hit the ground running!
I’ll be the first to admit that I thought this song was the jam when it first came out
I'll be the first to admit that when this song came out in 2003, calling a good song "the jam" had already been played out for, like, 10 years.
Now I'm not saying this song is bad,
'the fuck did you put it on a list of the top 10 songs that killed hip hop for then?
but when Fiddy first came on the mainstream pop scene in 2003 he pulled off one of the greater magic tricks in all of music.
This...should be good. And by good I mean unabashedly retarded.
This man was creating the illusion that he was a real artist trying to speak for the streets
Really? His song "In Da Club" was an attempt to speak for a marginalized populace and tell the stories of their struggles persecution and eventual rise to greatness in this country? I kinda thought it was more about partying...you know...in the club?
lo and behold he was just a businessman who didn’t seem to care about the music he was attempting to represent.
Ok, you know what? I actually think he has a point buried somewhere here. 50 Cent has really fallen off as an artist after Get Rich or Die Tryin'. In fact, after Get Rich or Die Tryin', Fitty's career has really taken a steady path away from music and toward entrepeneurialism. This is only a problem because 50 uses contrived "beef" with other rappers to promote his albums and since he can't really...what's the word...um...rap well, he has to bring disputes "off the track" as they say (just ask Rick Ross). Why, after Get Rich or Die Tryin' you might just say that 50's career contributed to "killing" hip hop.
SO WHY THE FUCKING FUCK WOULD YOU PUT THE MOST SUCCESSFUL SINGLE FROM THE MAN'S MOST HIGHLY ACCLAIMED ALBUM ON THIS FUCKING LIST?!?!!?!?
It's like putting Weezer on a top 10 worst rock albums list and using "Pinkerton." IT'S JUST FUCKING DUMB.
This is an article about Suresh Joachim and his successful new "world record" for longest time watching TV nonstop.
STOCKHOLM — Suresh Joachim has broken his own Guinness world record for nonstop broadcast-television watching
See? Told you. So anyway, Suresh Joachim watched TV nonstop for 72 hours, which beats the previous record holder...um...Suresh Joachim, whose time was 69 hours, 48 minutes. How did this end up on the Mauf?
Because there's no GD way in H that this F-ing A-hole C-sucker is the F-ing World Record Holder for F-ing longest GD TV watching session. F.
How do I know this? I'm pretty sure 72 straight hours of TV is too short a time to even be my personal best, let alone best ever out of anyone ever. Oh, and
Joachim, a Sri Lanka native who lives in Toronto, watched three seasons of the drama series "24" featuring Kiefer Sutherland, said Swedish TV4 spokeswoman Janina Witkowski.
DUDE WASN'T EVEN WATCHING TV!!! I've personally sat through Season 1 of 24 the entire way through without stopping, and had any other seasons been available on DVD at the time, you bet your sweet, well defined asscheeks that I would've continued on.
"I drank between 25 and 30 cups of coffee," Joachim said Sunday
This dude is a pussy on wheels. I WAS DRINKING BEER AND SMOKING GODLESS AMOUNTS OF MARIJU*NA WHEN I TACKLED THE FIRST SEASON YOU LIL BITCH, I WAS WORKING AGAINST MYSELF AND STILL MANAGED TO DO IT.
HOOOOOOOOOOOOME RUUUUUUUUUN!!!
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