'IDOL' RUNNER-UP WON'T REVEAL SEXUALITY...Y'KNOW, ADAM? THE GAY ONE?

So I was trolling the internet with duality in purpose: 1) to find pictures for an upcoming Mets-based 'Mauf post that's sure to inform and amuse* and 2) to distract myself from the worst heartburn of my life EVER, which may or may not have been a byproduct of having 3/4 of a bottle of wine to drink and 3/4 of a piece of bread to eat last night.

I failed in both endeavors. My chest still feels like a grade-schooler is trying to burn a hole through it using the sun and a magnifying glass, and I'm gonna blog about the gay dude from American Idol.

Excuse me...the "dude from American Idol that hasn't disclosed his sexuality publicly...but pretty much looks like he blows dudes on the reg."

Ok first, full disclosure: I don't watch 'Idol.' Never had. I've caught a little bit of some of the audition episodes over the year, but I always thought it sucked and a girl I dated in college had a crush on Clay Aiken and once jumped out of bed to watch one of his performances, so that pretty much sealed the deal for me.

It hurts being passed over for a dude who looks so gay that if he stood next to this other gay dude, the gay dude wouldn't even look gay any more. But I digress...

Adam Lambert says keep guessing on sexuality

...Gay! No? um...Super Gay!

Adam Lambert says role models come in a variety of different forms — even in eye makeup, fingernail polish and tight pants.

Role models in eye makeup, fingernail polish and tight pants usually all have something else too: a vagina.

"It's a really, really cool thing,"

It = being sodomized whilst on ecstasy

"to be able to show people that you can be yourself, and you should be proud of yourself, and you should own who you are and what you're about, and never make apologies for it."

"Yeah man, I'm just doing my own thing you know, just being myself, which happens to be identical to the douche who sings lead for Fall Out Boy. Hmmm...I wonder if he deepthroats?"

So to those who speculate about his sexuality, he has a message. "Calm down," he says, and "keep speculating."

Speculating on WHAT? He does know that this picture
is circulating on the internet??? I would assume he knows this pic is out there because apparently THE MOTHERFUCKER WORE THIS ON AMERICAN IDOL. Oh yea, and that's not the only pic on the net that kinda makes this article moot. I'm actually pretty sure THIS is what pisses me off so much. There isn't actually a story, because I'm pretty sure no one on this planet is weighing whether or not this dude's gay. Buuuuuuuut because 'American Idol' is such a big fuckin whoop-dee-deal, we'll pay attention to anything any of the fucks on that show say. Paula "You can literally see the back of my skull if you look into my eyes" Abdul made it a point to let the world know she had never been drunk (probably while slurring her words, swaying back and forth and failing to be able to maintain eye contact) and the story got picked up by everyone. I hear next week Randy from the show is finally going to break his silence and let everyone know whether or not he's a black dude.

I'd like to say that I do not mean this post to gay-bash whatsoever. I'd go through the whole lazy white liberal "I have gay friends and bla bla bla" thing, but I frankly don't care what you suspect my level of acceptance to be. I'm a lover, man. Not a hater.

All I'm sayin is that straight dudes generally don't wear more makeup than the whores on Manhattan's West End. And they generally don't try to copy the haircut of that bitch from Jon and Kate Plus 8. And they generally don't blow 12 guys by lunchtime. Which is what I imagine Adam does every day.

I MEAN, not that I actually imagine it or wonder what it might be like just once to--

This post is finished. I'm going to go spit and scratch myself and look at boobs.


*Note: Mets post will likely be neither amusing nor informative.