Oh it is SO ON. Part 1

Alright.

So a lot of times on this site, I'm a bit...what's the word...prickly? in regards to the heights of human stupidity we are all forced to deal with on a daily basis. I'll curse and put words in all caps and make faces like
and generally it's all just a good spirited romp through my repressed anger and general bitterness toward the populace.

However.

When you are a casual hip hop fan and decide to write a terrible, half-assed top ten list about the songs that "killed hip hop" and manage to get it onto Spike.com, know that I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.

Or at least tear your list to shreds. Either way, I'm totally cool with whatever.

The Top 10 Songs That Killed Hip-Hop

Let me begin by saying there's nothing wrong with writing a list like this. It's a super interesting idea, and an literary hip hop head could go a number of different ways with it. Was it commercialization that "killed" hip hop, was it the East/West rap war, was it Crunk Juice, etc. A lot you can do with this. Dustin Sussman, the aged piece of Fromunda Cheese that wrote this steaming pile, chose to make the list the opposite of interesting. Or accurate. Or defenisible. Or non fucking retarded.

One more thing before we begin (Christ, we haven't even STARTED yet??). I am a small white boy who also happens to be (at least in my humble opinion) an accomplished MC. I can rap. Like, I can fucking rap. I know first hand how dumb it is to look at someone and assume that you can tell whether or not they are "hip hop" or not. That being said, this douchefuck SHOULD NOT BE WRITING HIP HOP ARTICLES.

If you're not at work, roll up a fatty to this one...if you are at work, get high at lunch and read the shit out of this. Let's fucking crip walk.

Hip-hop just may be the most popular music genre on the face of the planet and for good reason. It’s raw, real and unpredictable.

Dude! Totally bitchin' non-statement here, brah. I mean, "raw, real and unpredictable?" Somebody made you do this list, didn't they dsussman? This is like bio homework to you, isn't it. Tip for next time: DON'T FUCKING WRITE THE LIST THEN.

But in recent years the music revolution that started in New York over 25 years ago

I mean, he's right...it did start over 25 years ago...it also started over 30 years ago...and some people believe it actually started over 35 years ago, so...way to not look it up and just guestimate like 17 words into your article.

For some reason, wannabe hip-hop artists with little talent have decided to pervert the genre by manufacturing bubblegum garbage for the masses.

Well, jinkies!!! That's just plumb awful!! Why, that hasn't happened to every single genre of music that has gained popularity in the history of the recording industry or ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!! This is the first big red flag that this dude has no business compiling this list. People who don't think hip hop is a viable form of music will always point to some terrible manufactured radio song that appeals to the lowest common denominator and try to use it as the quintessential hip hop song. No, assmouth, the hip hop community doesn't consider "I Ain't Never Scurred" to be one of its cornerstones.

Oh and by the way, two of the biggest "rock" bands in the US today are Nickleback and the Jonas Brothers. Would you like them to be the representatives for rock music as a whole? Didn't think so. Point taken? Thought so. Stop? Hah.

No.

#10: "In Da Club" 50 Cent

Let's hit the ground running!

I’ll be the first to admit that I thought this song was the jam when it first came out

I'll be the first to admit that when this song came out in 2003, calling a good song "the jam" had already been played out for, like, 10 years.

Now I'm not saying this song is bad,

'the fuck did you put it on a list of the top 10 songs that killed hip hop for then?

but when Fiddy first came on the mainstream pop scene in 2003 he pulled off one of the greater magic tricks in all of music.

This...should be good. And by good I mean unabashedly retarded.

This man was creating the illusion that he was a real artist trying to speak for the streets

Really? His song "In Da Club" was an attempt to speak for a marginalized populace and tell the stories of their struggles persecution and eventual rise to greatness in this country? I kinda thought it was more about partying...you know...in the club?

lo and behold he was just a businessman who didn’t seem to care about the music he was attempting to represent.

Ok, you know what? I actually think he has a point buried somewhere here. 50 Cent has really fallen off as an artist after Get Rich or Die Tryin'. In fact, after Get Rich or Die Tryin', Fitty's career has really taken a steady path away from music and toward entrepeneurialism. This is only a problem because 50 uses contrived "beef" with other rappers to promote his albums and since he can't really...what's the word...um...rap well, he has to bring disputes "off the track" as they say (just ask Rick Ross). Why, after Get Rich or Die Tryin' you might just say that 50's career contributed to "killing" hip hop.

SO WHY THE FUCKING FUCK WOULD YOU PUT THE MOST SUCCESSFUL SINGLE FROM THE MAN'S MOST HIGHLY ACCLAIMED ALBUM ON THIS FUCKING LIST?!?!!?!?

It's like putting Weezer on a top 10 worst rock albums list and using "Pinkerton." IT'S JUST FUCKING DUMB.


to be continued...