My Soapbox Was Being Repainted, You See...

I find it funny that whenever Pem or I don't post on this blog for an extended period of time, there's always an explanation, either in the beginning of a post or in an actual post of its own.

It's funny, you see, because I'd be willing to bet that not a god damned person reads this site regularly (unless Pem or I force feed them a link to the articles) so the notices are for each other, I suppose.

...even though we spend roughly 7 hours a day G-Chatting. So we know good and god damned well when we're writing and when we're not. So what's with the "addressing the crowd" stuff?

For me, I like to believe that somewhere out there in some shit town, someone whose name is perhaps Jimmy Sulvaro, accidentally happened across our site (perhaps googling "chimp testicles"?) a while back and has been loyally checking in, reading up, rolling on the floor laughing his ass off (damn I wish there was a shorter way to type that out) and just too shy to leave a comment, lest Pem and I use our destructively powerful wit to rip his comment to shreds, leaving him a shell of a human being.

Well Jimmy, we're back...and it's all for you, big guy!!!

...and don't even THINK about commenting...you little pussy.

Cue the Courtney Hazlett Theme Song!!!


Let's Scoop this bitch.

Chris Brown and Rihanna are taking a break

Well, I haven't really said my piece about this charming little story yet, so here goes...

YOUR MAMA TOLD YOU "DON'T HIT GIRLS." SO DON'T. FUCKING. HIT. GIRLS.

It has really, really surprised me that so many people, whether on the street, in the media, whatever that want to make excuses for Chris. "He's just 19." "Oh, well she was hitting him." "Rihanna ain't as good a singer as Chris so fuck dat bitch." And the like.

Listen,

Am I saying the kid should get life in jail and be deprived from the rest of his life for this one event? No, of course not. People make mistakes, and teenagers make a shitload of mistakes and child celebrities make so many god damned mistakes that it seems like some evil villain has kidnapped their family "24"-style and are now controlling that celebrity to do horribly stupid and destructive stuff all the time.

But this guy didn't just slap his girlfriend. He punched her. Repeatedly. BEFORE CHOKING HER OUT. So the next time you hear some stupid motherfucker say something like "well, you know if a girl come atchyou an' she slappin' you and shit, whassyous'posedtodo?" ask them what they'd be saying right now if Rihanna had died. And then tell them to listen to their mama and stop being a waste of life. And then remind them proper etiquette is to shake a bitch, not hit them.

Aaaand yea. I think I'm done here.

BREAKING NEWS: Madonna is Insufferable C*nt, PETA is Stupid

Ok, so I guess maybe neither of those two statements are really "groundbreaking," but the article was written by Courtney Hazlett. My Courtney Hazlett.

Shhhh, don't speak...just lay back and-- you did finish the drink I mixed you right? All of it? Goooooood...now shhhh...

Fuss over Madonna's stolen photos isn't over

The brouhaha surrounding the wedding photos [of Madonna and Guy "What the HELL was I thinking" Ritchie] — which were stolen from her Beverly Hills home by an interior decorator — might not be over.

Of course it's not over. Madonna, in her old age, seems to worry less and less about the public is seeing her true personality, and more about just staying in the news literally any way she can.

Every girl in the history of ever: Ew, shut up Berbalerbs! Why would Madonna need to do anything to be in the news?!? She's frickin' MADONNA!


Name Madonna's last legitimate hit.


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Every girl in the history of ever: Um, she kissed Britney that one time on MTV...


That was 2003.


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Every girl in the history of ever: Finish your stupid post.

So the basic storyline here, from what I can tell (Courtney's strong suit isn't writing, if you catch my drift...huh? HUH???) Madonna's interior decorator stole some wedding photos from Guy and Madonna's wedding (Sex. Is what I was referring to earlier. When I was talking about Courtney's strong suit.) and later sold them to publications, who...y'know...published them. Then Madonna was all "you can't print those!!" which was completely warranted and understandable.

OK! did print a retraction that reads...“The individual who supplied the photographs to us had no right to do so...photographs were not authorized for publication...OK! is trying to cut a deal with Madonna where she will never appear in the magazine again without approval.”

Ok. Sounds good. They admitted their mistake. They're going to give extremely generous preferential treatment to Madonna from now on. I'll bet you sources close to Madonna will say that this totally satisfied her.

A source close to Madonna says that won't satisfy her

Oh wait. That's right. Madonna's an insufferable cunt. How DARE they print 8 year old photos of an event that has since become a moot point!!!

"Madonna could take them for millions. In this economy, millions could be the difference between staying in circulation or not."

Well, at the very least, Madonna could be elimintating a few hundred jobs, and in this current economic boom we're experiencing this could help rectify the job surplus we currently have in the US.

Moving On,

PETA protests Britney Spears' 'Circus'

If you're wondering, when they refer to 'Circus' they are talking about her new song, not her life.

In the video for her new single "Circus," PETA claims Spears uses "cruelly trained lions and elephants even after PETA wrote to her and explained in graphic detail how trainers shock, whip, and beat exotic animals into performing."

To which Britney replied, "well how the hell do you think I learned the routines?!? Whips work. Period."

PETA is asking fans to contact Spears and demand that she stop blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I understand what PETA's trying to do here, but they always come off as fucking psychopaths. Like, this is a pretty mild thing for them to do. Usually it's assaulting people or throwing blood on them or tackling models on the runways (because of course they're the masterminds behind the degradation of animals). Have you ever heard anything in the news about PETA accomplishing something? Or, like raising money or saving a whale or some shit? Really, think about that. I'm not saying they've never actually accomplished anything...it's just that they've never actually accomplished anything AND they're stupid.

And that's about it...Courtney follows up with an almost impossibly bland article given that the title is "Emma Watson will go naked," (spoiler alert: Courtney actually means "Emma Watson isn't opposed to going naked in a film, but not any time soon, and only for some random Italian director." So. Yeah. Not too exciting.) and then gives the most pathetic "Celebrity Sightings" list I've ever seen in my life (which I guess isn't a Herculean feat...I've seen like, 4 celeb sightings lists in my life).

The "celebrities:"
Tom Arnold (I shit you not, they started off the list with Tom fucking Arnold)
Illeana Douglas (um?)
Michael Rosenbaum (so apparently Illeana and Michael are on the show "Smallville," as it explains in the article. If you have to explain why someone is famous after their name...they're not famous.)
Rocco DiSpirito (chef who used to have a reality TV show)
Gerard Butler (and his plate of rock shrimp tempura) (that first parenthetical statement was from the article...as in Ms. Hazlett felt it necessary to the story that her readers knew what some dude who I've never heard of was eating...at some point in his life. Idunno, maybe the tempura was supposed to be the celebrity?)
Nick Cannon was spotted (sans wife Mariah Carey) (Woah WTF? When did this happen?!? Isn't Nick Cannon, like, 14 or something???)
Spike Mendelsohn (Top Chef person, may or may not have won)
Former “Desperate Housewives” star Jesse Metcalfe (Former as in, left the show in 2007. Since then his resume includes the films Loaded and Insanitarium. You haven't heard of them either? Ok, good. Thought it was just me.)

Kabbalah Says: OK For Madonna to Continue Being Insufferable Bitch

Once again we return to the poorly written barely-stories of "The Scoop" with MSNBC's marginally-attractive-but-looks-like-she-puts-out-easy reporter Courtney Hazlett:


I'd hit it. She seems like the type of chick at a bar to give you that "I'm D.T.F." look about 15 seconds after you introduce yourself. How am I so sure? If you are a professional journalist and purposefully put a "myspace-esque" photo of yourself on the inter-webs, you're likely a bit whorish.

Ta-Da!

...Oh yea! I was going to write a blog post! My bad, here goes:

Expect more ‘ugliness’ in Madonna-Ritchie split

Get it?!? 'Cause Madonna's really ugly?!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Every single girl in the history of ever: Ew, shut up Berbalerbs, Madonna blah blah blah looks good for an 87 year old blah blah yoga blah blah toned stomach blah.

Berbalerbs:


Every single girl in the history of ever: ...


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...Well. I guess I'll go back into the kitchen to fix you a delicious sandwich then.

Expect “ugliness of epic proportions” when it comes to Madonna’s divorce from Guy Ritchie. Why? “She’s got Kabbalah on her side,” says a friend of the Material Girl.

Um...oh snap, I guess? I fail to see how Judaism + magic + red yarn = The reason Madonna's going to keep saying cunty things about her ex hubbie.

I wish they explained how that works.

“Here’s how it works:

I fuckin' love you, Courtney Hazlett. Now...drink this...that's right...all of it...there you go...Now, let's wait about 5 minutes and--

**Courtney passes out**

OoooOOOooOoOOO good batch this week!

She [Madonna]’s got a team of Kabbalah advisers who guide her through her spiritual decisions. If they say something is justified, then she feels comfortable going ahead and doing it,” says the friend. “That was the litmus test she applied to spending time with A-Rod, that’s how she justifies making references to Guy at concerts,” says the friend.

What kind of religion is this?!?

Madonna: Hey, is it cool in the eyes of Kabbalah-God if I start fucking around on my husband?

Kabbalah Advisor: Well, who's this other guy?

Madonna: Alex Rodriguez.

Advisor: And he does what?

Madonna: Hit homeruns for the New York Yankees when they're already up 11-2.

Advisor: And is he a nice boy?

Madonna: Actually he's kind of a prick.

Advisor: And how much does he make?

Madonna: A decent amount, I guess. Couple hundred million.

Advisor: Go. Fuck around with the mystical blessings of magic Kabbalah God.

**Several weeks later**

Madonna: Mystical Magical Kabbalah dude who mooches off me and makes me new yarn bracelets when the old ones break?

Advisor: Yes Madonna?

Madonna: I've been kinda hurting from all of the drama surrounding my divorce from my husband of 8 years. I feel really angry and vulnerable at the same time. What should I do?

Advisor: Have you considered making cunty little comments about him that half the time people aren't going to get during your upcoming tour?

Madonna: DINGDINGDINGDINGDING We have a winner!

Just before performing “Miles Away,” a song she has said was inspired by her ex, she announced, “This song is for the emotionally retarded. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. I know I do.”

In a related story, at the premier of Guy Ritchie's latest film Rocknrolla, Ritchie was quoted as saying "this movie is for the old, self-obsessed, insufferable pop music cunts out there who haven't put out a song that anyone can name in God knows how long but still act like they're 21 and their shit doesn't stink. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. I know I do...

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Madonna. Is who I know. That falls into that category. Of insufferable cunt. Just so you aren't confused."