King Hippo to Abdicate Throne.

Speaking of headlines that are more than a shade fucked up, check out this one, followed by the first sentence of the article...

Doctors to operate on 'Hippo Man'

Surgeons have agreed to operate on a man - cruelly nicknamed Hippo Man - to remove a giant tumour from his nose.

Ok, so this poor bastard is cruelly nicknamed Hippo Man. But this does not stop them from calling him Hippo Man in the fucking title of the article. So let's press on, shall we?

Fei Jianjun, 41, spends most of his time inside his home in Maxiang village, Jilin province, China, as his appearance frightens his neighbours.

Superstitious villagers believe they will fall ill if they look at him, reports the City Evening Post newspaper.

While parents discipline their children by threatening to take them to meet him if they misbehave.

"I try my best not to go out, as my family is too poor to compensate others if I scare them and make them sick," said Fei.

Holy. Shit. Where is Maxiang and how soon can we blow it up? His family is too poor to compensate others if he scares them and makes them sick. What is the proper compensation in this situation. "Fei, my poor mother saw you at the grocery store and immediately vomited and wanted to stab her eyes out, so you owe me 50$." Is that enough? I have no clue.

Also, that the guy is aware that his existence is used by parents to frighten their children. How has he not killed himself?

His condition began as a small bump on the end of his nose nearly a year ago - but it now covers so much of his face that his eyes have been pushed onto the side of his head.

His father took him to a hospital in Jilin city where doctors diagnosed him as suffering from a cancerous tumour.

Surgeons have now agreed to operate for nothing as the family are so poor they have had to take on odd jobs to buy painkillers for Fei.

Jesus. I feel awful for this guy. Is there a place to donate money for him? I wouldn't do it because I'm poor, but I'd link to it so you could.

Alright, it's picture time. Are you ready?

you sure?

last chance

Boom!

Moral of this story is if you have a tiny bump at the end of your nose, or anywhere else for that matter, go to a doctor.

But seriously, then what? He's Hippo Man, and shunned in his village. What happens after he's fine? Does he get the money back he had to pay families that he scared and sickened? And now who are they going to scare the children into fearing to get them to behave if there's no more Hippo Man? Man Man?

Maybe You Shouldn't Drive?

If I took a test, on a daily basis, for about 4 years, and not only didn't have the test completely memorized, but failed EVERY SINGLE TIME, I would probably give up. Or kill myself. Turns out a Miss Cha Sa-soon disagrees.

A woman in South Korea who tried to pass the written exam for a driver's license with near-daily attempts since April 2005 has finally succeeded on her 950th time.

The aspiring driver spent more than 5 million won ($4,200) in application fees, but until now had failed to score the minimum 60 out of a possible 100 points needed to get behind the wheel for a driving test.

Sorry guy - the picture of you next to 'persistent' is being replaced.

Seriously? How do you not at some point figure out some other option? And if you are not smart enough to pass a test you've taken, like 500 times, shouldn't someone stop her? I would think a reasonable number like, say, failing 10 times in a row would be ok to say "no more tests for you for a while." I guess South Korea is just nicer than I am. Or at least more willing to put their motorists at risk.

Now she must pass a driving test before getting her license, Choi said.

I wonder if bookies in South Korea are taking money on how many times she needs to take the driving test. What would the line be? in the 500 area? Does the written exam expire after a certain amount of time if she hasn't passed the driving portion? Why do AP articles never answer the questions I have about weird news? And before you think to yourself - Because, Pemulis, those questions are stupid and you are a moron - I'll just cut you off and tell you to pipe down and stop being such a big meanie jerk.

Repeated calls to Cha seeking comment went unanswered. She told the Korea Times newspaper she needed the license for her vegetable-selling business.

This is a 68 year old woman. Is she just now trying to start up a vegetable selling business? Or, at least, just in April of 2005? And so but how has she been transporting them until now?

I know you're expecting jokes about Asian drivers, or old people drivers. But that's beneath me. Sa-Soon isn't a menace to the road because of age or ethnicity. She shouldn't be allowed to drive because she's a woman. Man they're terrible at driving!

Nope, No Stereotypes Here...

...and I said, "well then I guess that means I'm just happy to see ya!!" Hehehehe get it? "Happy to see ya?" ...I had a boner? Well, anyway, Asians love karaoke, am I right folks? I mean they looooove that stuff, am I right? I mean, they like karaoke so much, they kill ya if you sing more than 3 songs in a row!

Audience Member: That's not funny, taintface!

Sir, I am trying to report the news here. Can you be a little more respectful of the dead? Sheesh.

A Malaysian man has been stabbed to death for refusing to stop singing and hand over the microphone at a karaoke bar, police say.

I mean, to be fair, this did happen in Malaysia, where I believe the primary export is senseless homicide. So. There's that. But really? This situation escalated to murder??? I mean, turning the sound system off wasn't a viable option?

Abdul Sani Doli[hahahahaha this dude's name is silly as shit! um...God rest his soul -Ed.], 23, reportedly angered some of the customers when he hogged the stage at the bar in Sandakan town on eastern Borneo island.

So they killed him. And not with a gun mind you, not a one-second, possibly moment-of-passion "BLAM!" No. This was a stabbing. As in, these people at a karaoke bar were SO pissed at this dude that after they had successfully removed him from the stage they decided to stab. Then stab. Then stab (cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut). I mean, when you stab a person to death you are all up in their business. Trust me. TRUST me.

He was punched before being stabbed to death with a knife.

Ouch! They punched him? I bet that must've smarted...y'know, before he was murdered to death with a knife. After that I bet it didn't hurt as much, in comparison.

The article concludes with a description of what karaoke is, which pisses me off every time journalists do this.

Karaoke, in which amateurs can sing along to their favourite songs, first emerged from Japan and became hugely popular across Asia during the 1980s, before spreading to other parts of the world.

No fucking shit you shit fucker who fornicates with fecal matter. Although, I guess to be fair, I did go back and re-read the article pretending not to know what the word "karaoke" means, and it was literally the most baffling thing I've ever read in my life.