OH I CALL BULLSH*T

This is an article about Suresh Joachim and his successful new "world record" for longest time watching TV nonstop.

STOCKHOLM — Suresh Joachim has broken his own Guinness world record for nonstop broadcast-television watching

See? Told you. So anyway, Suresh Joachim watched TV nonstop for 72 hours, which beats the previous record holder...um...Suresh Joachim, whose time was 69 hours, 48 minutes. How did this end up on the Mauf?

Because there's no GD way in H that this F-ing A-hole C-sucker is the F-ing World Record Holder for F-ing longest GD TV watching session. F.

How do I know this? I'm pretty sure 72 straight hours of TV is too short a time to even be my personal best, let alone best ever out of anyone ever. Oh, and

Joachim, a Sri Lanka native who lives in Toronto, watched three seasons of the drama series "24" featuring Kiefer Sutherland, said Swedish TV4 spokeswoman Janina Witkowski.

DUDE WASN'T EVEN WATCHING TV!!! I've personally sat through Season 1 of 24 the entire way through without stopping, and had any other seasons been available on DVD at the time, you bet your sweet, well defined asscheeks that I would've continued on.

"I drank between 25 and 30 cups of coffee," Joachim said Sunday

This dude is a pussy on wheels. I WAS DRINKING BEER AND SMOKING GODLESS AMOUNTS OF MARIJU*NA WHEN I TACKLED THE FIRST SEASON YOU LIL BITCH, I WAS WORKING AGAINST MYSELF AND STILL MANAGED TO DO IT.

Fuckin' Sri Lankans currently living in Canada.