Marble Hill English Teacher is Confused, Racy

Teacher reassigned over racy essay

I saw this headline and immediately thought, "who's the dumbass that wrote this? Shouldn't it be 'resigned'?" Turns out, I'm the dumbass, because the teacher was reassigned, much like the title suggests.

By most accounts, Greg Van Voorhis, or "Mr. V," is a very popular English teacher at the Bronx School of Law and Finance. Students like Lauren Henriquez say he knows how to relate to them.

"He's a really, really good teacher," she said. "He understands. You can speak to him about anything."

"Even talking about dirty stuff, like masturbating with carrots and shit!"

But school officials say Van Voorhis may have gone too far when he gave his 11th graders a graphic short story about masturbation involving a carrot, among other things.

Whoa hey! Fancy that. A couple of things: this article nowhere mentions the name of the short story, who wrote it, or just how sexy it is. But there's also a video on the site, and it shows that the story this guy chose to share with his eleventh graders was one called "Guts" by Chuck Palahniuk. A story that was originally published in Playboy. First and foremost, if the guy should get in trouble for anything, it should be for using a Palahniuk story. Have you ever read anything by him? Holy hell he fucking sucks. All of his main characters speak in that same way that the guy in Fight Club does where he thinks everything he does is super badassed and they're always having sex with ultra hot girls all the time. It's fucking stupid. Anyway, if he should get in trouble, it should be for the following quote from his student:

"I don't feel there was nothing bad about it," Henriquez said. "It was just a story. We read it outside of class, so why can't we read it inside class?"

Guess what honey, trying to save your ENGLISH teacher by saying something like "I don't feel there was nothing bad about it" is a step in the wrong fucking direction. But honestly I kind of agree with like, who cares how racy as long as it's something worth teaching/reading - which I think I've made clear Palahniuk is not, but still. These kids are going to learn about masturbating with carrots somewhere, why not have it be school?

But Louella Hatch, who has a grandson in the tenth grade at the school, isn't laughing.

"If it is true, he can't still be around the school, you know?" she said.

It's funny how in print a quote can seem so different than when you see it. I read this and was like, "aw this woman is concerned for the well-being of her grandson" but watch the video:

Actually watching her say it is more like "holy crap she's old. She probably doesn't even know where she is! Who gives a shit what she thinks about schooling!"

Alec Nightengale is also an English teacher at the school and a personal friend of Van Voorhis. He says his colleague deserves to be back in the classroom.

"I've known him all my life, and I know he had the best of intentions," Nightengale said. "And he only wants what's best for the kids."

"And the carrots."

Wherever You Go, Never Order 'The Squeeze'

Happy New Year Everyone! Welcome back for another year of stupid crap, obvious jokes, and horrifying news related to genitals.

Today I'd like to you to take away at least two lessons from this post. You can consider them things you can try to do this year to make it better than '08. First, never ask for 'the squeeze'. Secondly, and perhaps most important in your endeavors - as a way to avoid 'the squeeze' in the first place - if you are going to rob an old lady, remember to wear clothes.

Woman, 88, gives naked intruder the ‘squeeze’

The Multnomah County Sheriff's Office said an 88-year-old woman fended off a naked intruder by grabbing the man's crotch and squeezing. Deputy Paul McRedmond said the man got into the house Tuesday through a sliding door. He backed the woman into her living room and pushed her face down onto a chair.

Ok. So is there anything more humiliating than getting your robbery plot foiled by a geriatric woman? Oh right, getting your plot foiled by a geriatric woman who squeezes the shit out of your cock and nuts to do so. Also, was anyone else wondering how long it had been since she had someones dongle in her hand? I would say at least 2.5 decades. Does it make me fucked up that that was the first thing I wondered? No? Phew.

Let me at those nuts!!

That's when the woman reached behind and squeezed. The man tore free and fled.

Did you really have to say "tore" free? If you had just said "freed himself" or something, we would have gotten the same idea. You didn't have to write this such that anyone with meat and 'taters would cross their legs and cringe whilst reading, did you?

McRedmond said a county code enforcement officer who heard the police call on his radio spotted a car near the woman's house and passed on the license information to authorities.

They also then had the woman describe what he looked like, and the approximate size and shape of his penis and testicles.

Troutdale police arrested a 46-year-old man. He has been jailed on accusations of burglary, harassment and private indecency. Bail was set at $110,000.

...And fin. Nowhere does it explain why this man went into this old woman's house. So i suppose burglary is a safe assumption...BUT WHY THE FUCK WAS HE NAKED?! Maybe he thought the sight of a live penis would give the old bird a heart attack and he could rob her without having to worry about getting 'the squeeze'. Maybe she was a GGILF? Maybe he was robbed and was just looking for some kind soul to lend him some pants, and accidentally knocked her down. I am going to break this case wide open if it's the last thing I do! I'm going to put the system on trial!

UPDATE: Now with creepy video!

EPIC OLD MAN WIN

This is not Scott Wagar. But I imagine him to look at least something like this. Who is Scott Wagar, you are most assuredly asking yourself. Well I'll tell you. He's an old man who was sick of teens TPing his house. So he shot them... with fox piss.

A 50-year-old man who told authorities he was fed up with teens toilet-papering his house decided to defend his property — with a squirt gun filled with fox urine.

WIN. If you are the kids who were toilet papering his house, you have to tip your cap and move on, right? He wins, hands down.

Now, Scott Wagar is in trouble with the law.
Wagar pleaded not guilty on Wednesday in Kandiyohi County District Court to misdemeanor assault and other charges. He was released on personal recognizance.

WHAT?! They were toilet papering his house! Self defense motherfuckers! This man should be cleared of all charges and issued a metal immediately. How could he be any more bad ass?

According to police, Wagar was on his property Sept. 16 when he used night vision goggles to see 15-20 people running toward his place. He told police that he told them to leave, swore at them and sprayed them with the fox urine. He also allegedly struggled with one of the teens.

That's right. That's how. Night vision goggles? Are you kidding me? This guy is awesome! What did the cops say, "You're under arrest for being 150% amazing" ? Guess what. Those stupid kids had it coming.

It's weird. As a young person, I pretty much unabashedly hate old people, but I know that before long I will be the crotchetiest old man who ever lived, and will then hate young people will a burning white-hot passion, but I can't help sitting here thinking that both mes are one hundred percent correct.

The Legend of Ghost Cat

Pop quiz, hot shot. You're a resident of Blackstone, Virginia. You're constantly seeing cougars that may or may not exist. What do you do? What do you do?

some cougars even dance with the stars

Shoot the hostage! I mean, take of your pants and let the fun begin! I mean... report it to the federal wildlife officials?

Federal wildlife officials are reviewing the matter, but some residents of Blackstone, Virginia, are convinced they've got cougars running around their town.

I like where this story is headed... goodbye, pants!

The large cats are also called mountain lions, pumas, panthers and “ghost cats.” Wildlife officials say except for a population of 100 in Florida, they were wiped out in the eastern U.S. by 1900.

Ah damnit. Cougars. I get it now. But wait, while I'm putting my pants back on, let's think about this. Because there's only a hundred left in an area like super-close to your town... any time anyone sees one it's probably a ghost?

The local newspaper has run at least 15 stories in the last five years about sightings in Blackstone and a neighboring Army National Guard training base. The paper's editor says he gets a sense that game commission people are laughing.

The paper's editor went on to explain that he has no sense in what the difference is when someone is laughing at you, rather than with you. And besides, aren't there like waaaaay more panthers in that area than they're letting on?

AHHHHH GOD THERE'S ONE NOW!!!

Yes, yes I am that stupid.

While hundreds of sightings are reported each year from Maine to the Carolinas, only 64 have been confirmed in more than 100 years. Experts say most are likely cases of mistaken identity perhaps a bobcat, deer or even a Labrador retriever.

"Holy shit is that a cougar?! A Panther? Oh. A Lab... phew. Great actually. I've got all this peanut butter."

Besides. I'm not sure I would give Florida or Virginia the benefit of the doubt on this one. Because I've been there before, and I'm not sure these would qualify as cougars...

...Or would they?

GOODBYE PANTS!!!

Old Ms. Leda Smith Gon' F*ck Yo Shit Right the Hell on Up.

So, you're a 17 year old vagrant in Point Marion, Pennsylvania. You and your boys have been burglarizing the neighborhood for a couple of weeks now, and it's been pretty sweet. You need some dough to buy Madden '09, and all the money from the McKenzie house robbery was spent on shitty weed and Colt 45's. You think to yourself, "we didn't hit up old lady Smith's house yet. She's probably got some cheddah. I'm gonna pay the old bitch a visit tonight."

Astronomical. Fucking. Mistake.

You scurry up to the side of the house. You try the window. It's open! "Hah," you think to yourself, "this is going to be like taking candy from an old person."

You're inside. You move stealthily, although you're sure you don't need to, 'cause old people are deaf as shit, and this bitch has been asleep for hours, and--

What was that?

Silence. Probably nothing. These old houses are creaky, probably just settling or--

'the fuck you think yo' doin here?

You spin around, and this is the sight that greets you: What's good, muh'fucka? What's REALLY good? Y'all been knockin' ova houses fo' a few weeks now, huh? You a big shot now, huh? Well, Mr. Big shot, I got news fo' you: ya keep knockin' at the Devil's door, sooner or later, someone gon' answer...y'sloppy lil' BITCH!

Alright, maybe it didn't go down exactly like that. The old lady probably cursed a bit more but, hey, this is a family site.

An 85-year-old woman boldly went for her gun and busted a would-be burglar inside her home, then forced him to call police while she kept him in her sights, police said.

I'm sorry but that is sooooo gangsta. She makes the kid report himself! Like,

Um, hello, 9-1-1? Yeah, um, I'm currently trying to rob 236 Clearfield Road. Yeah, down near the Little League field. Uh huh. Yeah. Me. No, I'm the one doing the robbery. Yes, I'm reporting myself. No, I don't work at TJ Maxx, what? Because the person I'm robbing told me to call you. Yeah, she's right here. Because she's holding a gun. Like, 93 years old. (I'm 85 and I look GREAT, muh'fucka!) Um, she's 85. (AND?) And she looks great...muh'fucka.

"I just walked right on past him to the bedroom and got my gun," Leda Smith said.

Yep. That's right. She snuck past the kid. How do you carry on in life, after getting housed SO badly by an 85 year old woman?!? I really wonder what happens to these people.

"I said 'What are you doing in my house?' He just kept saying he didn't do it," Smith said.

Ah, this offers us a little insight to how a 17 year old can be out-stealthed by an 85 year old: the kid is a complete fucking inbecile.

Really, "I didn't do it?" Motherfucker, you're standing here, in my house, at 2 AM! What do you mean, "you didn't do it?" You're CURRENTLY FUCKING DOING IT. Jeez...go protest Tropic Thunder some more, why don't ya.

"It was exciting," Smith said. "I just hope I broke up the (burglary) ring because they have been hitting a lot of places around here."

Way to kick all kindza ass, Ms. Leda Smith. Here, to honor your accomplishment, I present to you a celebratory parade of old bitches with firearms. And God bless us...every one.