Look, Honey, it's Flip-AHHHH GOD MY TESTICLES AND BUTTOCKS

Ok, so this post doesn't really have anything to do with testicles and buttocks injuries, but it just flows off the tongue so smoothly...

Four people were riding in a boat off the coast of Volusia County on Thursday when a dolphin jumped out of the water and hit two of them in the chest.

Firstly: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA awesome. Secondly: ...no, I guess that first point sums it up nicely.

Oh! I should mention: when the article says the dolphin "hit" two people in the chest, it wasn't like it came up and jump-kicked them or playfully nudged them with its beak-mouth thingy, it full on Jimmy Superfly Snuka'd (1:43 mark) their asses.

Norman Howard came out of the hospital...in remarkably good shape considering that his morning outing...ended with a 9-foot, 400-pound dolphin in his lap."It was slapping me pretty, hard. It was throwing some good punches," Howard said.

I'm just going to say it, and all you bushy vag'd tree fuckers can SUCK it: this attack was premeditated and there needs to be legal action taken against the marine mammal in question. And don't give me that, "you can't arrest me, I'm a marine mammal" bullshit either! If you can work in Hollywood, you can be tried as a human adult person guy.

The group of four had just picked up bait for fishing and was cruising in the Intracoastal Waterway when the dolphin jumped, with no warning,

That fucking inconsiderate piece of SHIT dolphin. No heads-up? No "check it check it I'ma jump awl up in ya boat-piece?" Oh Flippa KNEW what he was doin. Flippa BEEN known.

The mammal landed across the bow, right on top of the couple sitting in the front of the boat. "I was just trying to get it off my wife. I knew she was underneath all of it," Howard said.

That's funny, that's usually my first thought right after sex.

PFFFFTAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGAGAGAGAGAGAHAHAHAJAJAJAJAJAOMIGODIMSOFUCKINFUNNYAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHOLYSHIT
Oh God, there's nothing not funny about this story!

"I turned immediately to my wife, took my shirt off, tucked it under her head, and there was blood everywhere."

Fuckin' killjoy.

The group tried to continue their cruise down the Intracoastal Waterway, but when Howard's wife Barbara started having blurred vision, they cut the trip short and met up with the Coast Guard.

Wait wait wait wait hold up woah woah hey wait woah hey woah HEY. They tried to continue the cruise? So wait wait woah hold up hey wait. A 9ft long, 400 lb dolphin rose out of the water, jumped onto the boat and crushed two of the passengers, and they decided to "shake it off?" And only after the woman who was lying on the boat with blood exiting her head and infiltrating, and I quote "everywhere," only after she said her vision was blurry did they decide to call it a day? Fuckin' rich people man. Crazy ass motherfuckers man.

Eyewitness News asked all the agencies that work on the water, Fish and Wildlife, Beach Patrol and Coast Guard, and no one can ever remember a report of a dolphin doing this.

I CALL BULLSHIT! I had to do little more than google "scary dolphin" to find serveral, SEVERAL mind you, pictures of dolphins being...y'know...scary. The evidence:

Well, that's just science.

Scene missing: Where the dolphin totally jacks that dude's wallet, iPod and Puka shell necklace.

Just. Not. Right.

Meh. Just 'cause.

Criminal? Maybe. Ugly as shit? Definitely.

Ka-PLOW LIL BIIIIIITCH.

So in closing...um...dolphins. Thank you for your time.